Hello everyone, 

I'm a bochur near shidduchim age and I struggle with masturbation. Before going to eretz yisroel last year for yeshivah I couldn't go 3 or 4 days without falling. This past winter zman was huge for me. I managed to go the whole zman without masturbating once. What contributed to this success was numerous factors including less privacy, less down time and of course kedushas eretz yisroel and the learning.

Coming home, I wasn't sure how these urges would affect me. Would I revert back to my "old ways" or would I be different, having resisted for 5 months. Within a couple days back home I fell. I felt really bad about it especially since I had just gone 5 months without falling once. 

I was introduced to GYE and it helped me get back on my feet. Before going to eretz yisroel I couldn't go more than 3 or 4 days without masturbating. I recently was able to get up to 8 days before falling. The urges aren't due to misuse of internet, rather I find they come because of fantasies. It's frustrating because I'm doing so much to prevent myself from masturbating. I arranged chavrusas, and daily exercise but still I seem to be falling.

Also on an emotional level, I feel that I'm carrying a load of pain and guilt in this area. It's almost like I have two voices. One voice - the dominant one tells me that I'm a nothing for all the sexual things I think about, and for the things I've done in these areas - and it really convinces me that I am totally off the charts for what Iv'e done/do. The other voice - much softer and quieter tells me that yes I do struggle and yes I have done those things but I'm a person and I have so much accomplishments to be proud of. I just can't seem to broadcast this voice louder. Especially recently when I think about shidduchim I just can't get past that voice that tells me "you want to start shidduchim? Are you crazy? You think about women in disgusting ways, you have fantasies, you masturbate and your thinking about marriage?!"

I just can't see a way out of this struggle and to finally stop.
I would really appreciate if anyone has any suggestions or helpful experiences to share.

Welcome!

Well done for sharing. It's a big step.

I know exactly the feeling of Israel being the cure. I couldn't last a week, then I finally went to yeshiva and lasted around 3 months, but then went back to my old ways, and when I got home I acted out the same day.

Keep coming back here, you might find you like it

Hey brother, I relate to a lot of this. Regarding shidduchim and the conflicting voices: I think it's helpful to get an objective person who you can talk to about this. Whether it's a therapist, parent, Rabbi etc. You probably know intuitively who/what type of person would best be able to help you work through these different thoughts. For me, this was a therapist. Anyways, sorry if that wasn't super clear, I'm dead tired, but massive welcome mate, and hope to see you posting in future. Have a good night!

Hi Mango0101!

Wow! I feel so happy for you that you've been able to have such a long streak of being good & I really feel along with you that pain of having fallen thru again! I have been struggling terribly in this area myself for the past 13 years or so, along with those familiar negative feelings. 

I would love to share a story of mine with you, one of amazing S'Yata D'Shmaya I've experienced along the way that has kept me going, with the hope that you will find inspiration & encouragement in it as I have.

A shidduch was redt for me shortly before the new zman, which I declined because I still wanted to learn in the yeshiva for some time. However about two weeks into the zman I fell to a new low in my struggle with inyanei kedusha. It disturbed me greatly, I felt that although I've done so much bad, this way a new low, a differant parsha! I turned to Hashem & cried out to him from the tormented depths of my heart & soul: Please Hashem, save me from this place & send back the shidduch somehow! I don't know how, but you can do anything, so please bring back the shidduch so that I can get married & have the shmira of pas bsaloi.

Within a few days the shadchen called back & said: A kvittel was sent to R' Chaim Kanievsky Shlita with some girls name, He stopped at the name of the girl who was redt to me two weeks before & said: There was a shidduch that was redt for this girl which did not happen for this & that reason, it's no reason not to go ahead, tell the shadchen to redt it again! He gave a siman of which shidduch it was. It was a clear maisa of ruach hakodesh on Rav Chaim's part, the one who brought the kvittel had no prior knowledge of this shidduch.
(By the way, there have been a number of such happenings at R' Chaim) B"H the shidduch happened & I am very happily married. Although I still struggle a great lot. 

Many times when I feel down, i.e. when I've slipped & feel hopeless, I recall this toivah that Hashem has done for me & remember his love for me & am encouraged to fight on.

I was told by one of the elders of Yerushalaim to whom I recounted my story, that Hashem will ecspecially answer real tefillos of people in our generation as there is such chashchus & hester panim & especially so regarding tefillos of wanting to be better & to come close to him.

My hope & bracha is, may you along with all our brothers & sisters see & feel, know & experience Hashem's intensely powerful love for us and remember that he cries along with us when we fall down & laughs along with us in pride with each "tiny" (HUGE!) victory! May we sense & decipher the subtle messages he sends to all of us all the time.

Mango010 wrote on 05 May 2020 01:07:

I relate.  My own mind supplies me with endless temptation.  Here's what works for me:

1. Careful and consistent shmiras eynayim.  The less I see, the less that part of my brain is fueled.

2. When I find my mind out of control with lustful thoughts and images, I say the following tefillah:

Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care.
I ask You to please heal me from this illness of lust.
I don't want to lust.
I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah.
I surrender my lust to You.  Please take my lust.

I say it as many times at it takes to work.  If the thoughts or images come back, I say it again.  And I mean it.

You will do this.

Welcome!
Alex

Wow! Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and words of encouragement, it's really giving me a boost.

@AlexEliezer your first point got me thinking. I'm realizing that just by glancing at non-tznius women walking outside, although not terrible but it adds fuel to the small flame of burning tayva eventually leading to an all out blaze. 

Waking up this morning, I felt great about putting some of my feelings in words and taking a step in the right direction in this difficult battle. Posting also made me feel like I had somewhere to turn to and added a sense of accountability.

For this reason I'm going to start my own journey to 90 days. I hope to post daily. My one concern is that I feel I may lose track of focusing to battle the minute, hour or day and may focus too much on the 90 day goal which will lead me to give up easier.

Day 1 completed - on to day 2!

Keep me going!

Amazing work brother. Keep pushing! 

I've found one of the best ways you can grow in this area is to share. One of the hardest things about this struggle is that you can feel alone and feel a lot of shame because of the secret. Getting your emotions out in an environment like GYE can be very helpful in exploring why you struggle with this issue and how to overcome it. 

​Keep going and stay chazak my Holy Brother!

Ihavestrength wrote on 05 May 2020 03:41:

He's right ^^^ A personal mentor is 100x better than without (or even someone who's open to talk throughout the day) 

I do have people that I share my feelings with in regard to these areas, however I don't share every last detail. Is it possible to completely recover without sharing all the dirty details?

Also, I'm wondering, if anyone has any ideas (not certain number of days clean or specific metrics because those numbers vary from person to person) of how I can decide wether or not I'm ready for shidduchim? Is starting to date while struggling with masturbation considered irresponsible and being in an unhealthy position, or is it just a challenge that I'm working on fixing, like the rest of the human race with their problems? 

Thanks in advance

That's something a rav who knows you should decide. And there it would probably be better to be as honest as possible or he might give the wrong answer because well, as Dov puts it, if you tell him you have problems with shmiras eynayim but when you're really cruising and snooping in cousin's drawers, well it's a completely different story

Mango010 wrote on 07 May 2020 03:41:

I second what the imitable @singularity said 

Re if sharing every last detail is important for recovery: Like most things, that depends. If there is something that is causing you shame, and the shame exists because of the details, then yes, it can be helpful in overcoming the shame to share those details which are causing you shame. Sorry if that was facetious lol. Also, bear in mind that not everyone is the correct person to share everything with. I share some things with friends, other things with my parents, and others with a therapist.

Re being ready for shidduchim: You need outside counsel from someone who is qualified to advise and someone who actually knows you. But, I will say this: How do you feel about it? Do you think it's irresponsible for you to date? Do you feel like you are in an unhealthy situation? Lastly, I will say that if everyone waited till they hadn't masturbated for 6 months or a year before they dated, there would be very few humans dating or married. 

I hope that Hashem helps me that the above isn't BS, and is somewhat helpful to you.

Good night and KUTGW! 

@Ihavestrength what you said resonated with me with respect to discovering what I have to say about it. I really do have a voice telling me what I believe but sometimes it gets so covered up with guilt and anxiety that it it becomes so muffled I cannot hear what it has to say.