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Does everybody have this problem?
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TOPIC: Does everybody have this problem? 251 Views

Does everybody have this problem? 03 Apr 2020 21:43 #348294

  • Notek
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I am a bochur in my 20s and since before I was even a teen I had this strong urge to have sex. It is such a strong urge that it hurts. It feels so painful almost like I am being stabbed. I feel like this almost the whole day every day. I was wondering if other bochurim have such a strong urge that it literally is torture to get through a day and it actually feels painful. During most of this time I did not watch anything bad. It was only during the past 2 or 3 years that I could not stand the pain anymore and I started watching things. I always thought that if I could only get married the pain would go away but my therapist told me that marriage would not be enough to stop the pain. It seems he is right based on the number of married people on this site. But I still don't understand if you are married and can do the real thing why would you want to watch someone else do it? If anyone can help me I would really appreciate it.

Re: Does everybody have this problem? 05 Apr 2020 16:37 #348309

  • trying613
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Dear Notek, 
I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. It really is hard, and I feel I can relate a little. You wrote that you were in pain almost the whole day, and was able to withstand temptation until 2 or three years ago . That is amazing! Despite all that tzar u were able to hold out! wow! Regarding your question of if you’re married and can do the real thing , why would you want to watch someone else do it, I think the answer is like this: Having sex with your wife isn’t only a way to express sexual needs, more importantly it’s a tremendous Mitzvah. Satan who does not want us to serve Hashem and dosrnt want us to feel fulfilled with the Mitzvos we do, creates the desire to look at other women. Regarding your struggles, based on what you wrote ,perhaps a little medication would be of great help. Speak to your therapist and see if he recommends anything specific. I have seen a therapist in my past and have taken medication for anxieties. It worked wonders Bh. So maybe a little meds would take away the constant pain and need to act out. Hatzlacha! I will have you in mind in my tefilos iyh 

Re: Does everybody have this problem? 06 Apr 2020 14:34 #348321

  • DavidT
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Usually, if a person is faced with a challenge, the strategy to overcome it is by working hard to get it under control. However, in this area, such a strategy will not work. In fact, the opposite is true: When a person tries to control a thought, he is essentially bringing to mind the very topic that he was trying to rid himself of, which causes his mind to explore it further. For example, if someone tells himself not to think about an elephant, then just mentioning those words will bring the image of an elephant to mind. This idea holds true both with regards to inappropriate thoughts, as well as improper sights. A bachur should always remember the Golden Rule: Any time you think about not thinking or seeing it, then “it” is already in your mind.

How, then, should one deal with inappropriate thoughts and sights? They should be treated as if they are a bag of garbage, waiting for the garbage collector to come. Just as you wouldn’t open the garbage bag to investigate if there’s something good there, so, too, a person should work on himself to consider these thoughts and sights as if they are nothing and just continue on his way. The focus should be to continue on with ‘business as usual’ without even analyzing what just happened.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Does everybody have this problem? 07 Apr 2020 15:08 #348337

  • ChaimYankle
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Hi Notek,

You asked why married men would want to watch others do it when they can do the real thing. I think trying613 has a couple things right: sexual needs and desires are different, and tiavah comes from H' -- it's something inherent to people. It may seem obvious, but surprise, surprise, your wife isn't going to want to have sex every moment that you do. And, surprise, surprise, that "urge" isn't necessarily going to go away just because you're having sex a couple times a week (hopefully). And (last surprise) you'll still have that urge in moments when you're not able to be with your wife: traveling, niddah, heck--being at work.

I hope I'm not coming across as preachy--these are my experiences I'm talking about.

I also couldn't stand the pain of that urge; the sensation of feeling like I needed release. I'm just talking about the physical sensation here--not the mental urge/need/desire. What has worked for me is giving that urge some attention. Focusing on it and really feeling what kind of sensation it is, or how it compares to other physical sensations. Sitting and paying attention to how bad it is compared to other types of pain. Does it feel like a needle in the arm? Hitting your funny bone? For me, I realized that it was roughly comparable to a day-old bruise. Like getting hit hard by a baseball on your thigh. A bad bruise, certainly sore, but still just a bruise. 

Man. Just a bruise? It felt so much more intense than a bruise, I had a hard time believing myself. But by actually sitting still, and paying attention to that sensation for a good 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, I started have perspective on the urge/pain. That means that nowadays I can have that urge, that sensation--I have it right now--and be aware of it, and remind myself that it is just a "bruise," it's just sore; I can handle it.

It took some time to get there, and I'm only just starting my shmiras eineyem journey seriously now, but you can do this too.

Lastly, why is it so bad? Our urges--since the physical part, once in perspective, is managable--why are they so bad? Well, I think that's the hard part. The mental/psychological/spritual aspects of urge are the harder things to conquor. But that's another conversation. Sorry this ran on so long. B'Hatzlacha & a chag kosher v'sameach. 

Re: Does everybody have this problem? 08 Apr 2020 03:37 #348347

Man, can I relate. Unfortunately, I am way past my 20's, still never got married (I was the type that could have married his first girl, but my "Mazel" in dating was always challenged, and it has never been easy, and am still single many years later). It is a life challenge. Even after you marry, you will still see people that are attractive and catch your attention. This is a life fight - a fight for your life. 
People like us imagine the greener pastures of being on the other side; the truth is that the only problem solved by marriage is bachelorhood. Aside from your issues, your wife is not your hand; she is a person. That is why these porn-related items are so detrimental to our minds. We lose the humanity that needs to be there for healthy, mature relationships. 
I have no answers, who can say they do? I pray for you, for me and all the singles and all the marrieds to find true Shalom Bayit. 
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