Hello everyone! This is my first time posting on the website. A little nerve wracking, because not sure how many people are reading this, but here goes: I have been struggling with inappropriate material for a while. When I was a teen , I would go often to the library, ( I’m a big reader) but every time I would go would end up falling and looking at shmutz. Eventually made a Kabbalah not to go to the library alone , but the Yetzer harah found a different way to attack me. A relative’s house  where my family would go frequently was fully stocked with inappropriate books . After a few years filled with many falls and several Kabbalahs later , I discovered the internet... now bh I wasn’t porning every night or even every week , but had many falls, with masturbations. Last year I discovered this site , and thought it was just for me! Finally I have the opportunity to break free! Now it’s a year later, and I’m still stuck in the same place I always was. A constant cycle of teshuva, Kabbalah , growth, and fall. My phone is heavily filtered, but somehow the Yetzer harah always manages to find a different way to trip me. And I know that everyone says you’re supposed to be proud of your successes And all that , but I know the really scary Chazals about these sins... and I Also know the Gemara says (sotah 23a I believe) that aveirah mechabeh mitzvah, an aveirah extinguishes a mitzvah , which means the next time I look at porn I just destroyed all the work I’ve done until now. you could argue with me , but how will you argue on this Gemara?  They say on GYE to surrender your lust to Hashem , and I’ve davened and davened without success. Not that I blame Hashem for it. I take full responsibility for my actions , and because I sinned willfully many times. I don’t deserve Hashem’s help.  I don’t know what Hashem thinks of me , but I think I’m headed for hell. So looks like I will keep struggling with this for the rest of my life, and then will have to face the music upstairs... if anyone has any Chizuk would really appreciate it, because I’m close to giving up 

man dont give up. I think you should stop obsessing about how bad you are. you are good. yeszter hara tries hard he will use even torah neviim kesuvim to bring you down. pray with joy. I struggle. anxiety and negativity and stress makes it worse for me... so try to be compassionate with yourself. keep it up!!

Good for you that you opened up it’s not easy. You are in the right place.
Many others struggling with same have overcame their challenges. If Hashem gave you the test, you have the ability to overcome it. It’ll take real effort over a period of time but I promise you it’s possible.
You should also know for every second you said No, even if you fell right afterwards you get tremendous reward.
About the Gemara you quoted, i have never heard of this concept. Hashem still loves you and believes in you- you’re alive! 
There’s a tremendous amount of information on this site for all stages of struggle which can help you.
If you want help navigating the site and where to start, please private chat me. 

thanks for the chizuk . I don’t know how far it will get me , but it was nice to hear some positivity. You should be genetched 

Trying, If a username is any indication, yours says you are trying hard despite the challenges. That alone is priceless and will eventually get you thru!

Maybe your real issue is an overly negative outlook on: life; yourself; this subject; maybe it is general disproportionate fear, or very low feelings about yourself - rather than the lust itself. I struggled greatly with what you describe and I changed b"H tremendously. In any case, there always are ways to overcome that or any issue with thoughts or feelings. Life is all about change and improvement. Sometimes we hunker down for a while looking for a break-thru, sometimes we just need support and guidance, and many times professional help is needed, but eventually all who seek and persist find the way! Never despair!

Hey,
I'm new here too. Just wanted to say good for you, getting to 4+ days clean. I feel like I've been in your story, when I was younger, with the finding things at the relatives bit. I know this isn't an easy ask, but remember that Hashem has 13 really important attributes for folks in our situation; in particular, He is 'chanun' and extends his grace to his people already in distress. I like to think of that as having patience. That H' is patient with me, and likewise I must be patient with myself. I hope you can be patient with yourself.

best,
Cy

It’s really nice getting these messages of hope. I still have my questions from those chazal’s , but everyone’s optimism and encouragement really made me feel great. I will def review these posts when I am down or in a tight spot. Kol hakavod!

Hi,
Hope you're hanging in there ok.
I can say for myself that starting a thread and opening up to people, even anonymously, is not easy, so I tip my hat to you for doing so.

You piqued my interest with that gemara in sotah, so I took a peek at it. 
Before going into specifics, a wise Rebbe once told me that all the authors of the ma'amarei chazal which speak of punishment etc want to inspire people to not sin. If learning them causes someone to feel down and unmotivated, the tannaim and ammoraim who wrote them would be saddened by the effect it has had on that person! It means they are doing the opposite of what was intended!
I think its fair to say that the all of these scary sources want us to do teshuva, and when I keep it in mind when I come across sources that make me feel unmotivated, it helps me.

It seems that the gemara in sotah doesn't mean that all the mitzvos someone did counts for nothing, rather that one aveira can counteract one mitzva. The word mitzva used there is in the singular, so it doesn't undo everything.

Also rashi says that the aveira undoes the schar, or reward of a mitzva. What is Rashi adding? It's undoing the schar of the mitzva as opposed to what?

I think it's possible to answer that other than the reward one gets for a mitzva there is the value of the mitzva itself, and how it brought the person closer to Hashem. So when Rashi says that the reward for that one mitzva is taken away, it doesn't mean that the mitzva counts for nothing. Hashem still cherishes it and sees the effort and brings the doer of that mitzvah closer to Him.
Hashem isn't out to get us, and He wants us to come closer to Him.

Please keep us updated on your progress!
(And yes, falling doesn't mean that no progress was made

All the best!
jj123