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Need Urgent Help
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TOPIC: Need Urgent Help 1136 Views

Need Urgent Help 02 Sep 2019 18:43 #343341

  • chaniel
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Please moderators, I do not know my way around the forum yet, I may be posting in the wrong section, forgive me.

observed that whenever I update my 60 day journey the battle will become very tough.

I had a not too challenging 30 days, after which I updated my profile to still clean..5 days later, I have fallen thrice, yesterday and today, heavily (making out with a girl). 

The only solution in my head now is to run away from my house, because she is my neighbor and I like her.

I am also very downcast and hope to have the strength to pray today.

Please can someone talk to me? This feeling of being filthy and unworthy of anything is so strong.
Last Edit: 02 Sep 2019 18:47 by chaniel.

Re: Need Urgent Help 02 Sep 2019 18:54 #343342

  • redfire
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Hello friend, you came to the right place.

​Why dont you tell us more about yourself? It can be very powerful to get things off your chest.

Re: Need Urgent Help 02 Sep 2019 19:48 #343349

  • chaniel
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Thank you writing back so quickly.

My name is Josh, single and 27 years.
I started struggling with mastu**** in my teen, was able to beat it since I do not have the compulsion anymore, at least I think it reduced drastically.

I found GYE in 2015, but wasn't serious with the program until I read about the bad effect of my actions last year.

I have gotten to 60 days clean off it, during this period, I started struggling with nocturnal emsission in place of masturbation, I try to say my Tikkun Haklali prayers after any episode, still have this problem.

I tried dating severally without getting physical and it didn't work, so I stopped dating altogether, hoping till when I am ready to get married.

After series of disappointments while in my clean period, I lost it totally, started everything in the book again, but not yet intercourse.

The misery became much since I couldn't understand myself again, so I started the 60 days journey again. Got to 30 days, amidst too much financial and career related problems.​

Then this my nice neighbor who always check up on me came along.

The only thing on my mind now is to leave my apartment till I get myself together.

I feel like I have lost my ability to ever make something good out of my life anymore due to my actions.

This may be a poor attempt to compile 10 years plus story, but I hope you and whoever may read this gets the picture.

Thank you.

Re: Need Urgent Help 02 Sep 2019 20:42 #343350

  • ColinColin
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Welcome Chaniel.

One question - is your neighbour Jewish and single?

My method of staying clean is as follows:

When an urge comes, break down things into 5 minute blocks. Say to yourself, I will do an activity for the next 5 minutes to take my mind off the urge. But the key is to see the urge for what it is, an urge...external to you. But triggered by your genuine emotions. So long term you need to live a life that nourishes you in a healthy way. That is about fulfilment from positive activities and a realistic approach. But when the urge strikes, you do need a tactical plan. Try walking, reading, calling a friend etc. Or mindfulness.www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Re: Need Urgent Help 02 Sep 2019 21:48 #343351

  • chaniel
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Thank you so much, to answer your question, No she is not Jewish, I assumed she is single, she haven't talked of any man or relationship.

Re: Need Urgent Help 03 Sep 2019 08:20 #343361

  • David26fr
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First of all, this is not because you have done a bad thing that you are yourself a bad person.

After a fall, you can and you have to get up and continue.
The tzadik is not a man that never fall, it's a man that falls and get up and continue to work after the fall...

Here is an excerpt from the GYE website :
The Lechevitcher Rebbe (a student of R' Shlomo of Karlin) once went as far as to say that even if a person just killed someone and the knife is still dripping with blood, and he feels unable to stand up and daven Mincha (the afternoon service) with all his strength and heart, then he has not yet tasted from the waters of Chassidus! 

Source:
guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/the-30-principles/21-principles-for-the-struggle/item/principle-16?category_id=279


I can understand that this is difficult to integrate now, with all the tumbling emotions and the feeling of despair and danger...
But this is the truth

After this, if you feel that you have to move because she is a danger to you, perhaps it is a good decision...
It's up to you to decide

Please keep us in touch !

Re: Need Urgent Help 04 Sep 2019 14:38 #343375

  • chaniel
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Thank you so much, so I moved to my brothers temporarily, some kilometers away from my house to get myself together.

Not easy at all but I am making gradual progress.

Re: Need Urgent Help 04 Sep 2019 21:59 #343380

  • ColinColin
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Chaniel

That you have moved to your brother's house to avoid temptation is major sign of your strength of character and determination.

Kol Tov!

Re: Need Urgent Help 05 Sep 2019 07:18 #343384

  • David26fr
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It's first and big step that you have done, it will help you a lot in the future !

Stay strong, it's better to take small and  confident steps than to stride too fast...

Re: Need Urgent Help 06 Sep 2019 17:45 #343405

  • Captain
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Wow! It's really amazing that you were able to move away to avoid your neighbor! Sometimes we get all down because we feel bad about what we've done and about even having desires, and we forget that what we have accomplished in this challenging situation is such an amazing success! We have to rewire our attitude - it's the only way to have long-term success.

I wanted to share with you something that I read in The Battle of the Generation (Chapter 28) that I think is so important for your situation:

         Being infiltrated by raging desires that we couldn’t shut off might cause us to feel ashamed, even though we hung on with willpower and didn’t do anything wrong. Realizing that desire was pulling us instead of us controlling it can make us feel down. However, we must realize that these accomplishments are the greatest because they are so difficult! Realizing this will make us proud of what we have accomplished rather than ashamed, which will help us succeed in our subsequent battles as well.

            The Gemara (Kiddushin 81a) relates a fascinating story:

A group of young women had been taken captive by gentiles and were redeemed by the people of Nehardea. They put the young women in the attic of Rav Amram Chasida (the pious one), figuring they would be safe there. The people removed the ladder to ensure that no man would go up to the attic.

That night, as one of the young women passed by the hatch in the floor of the attic, her shining face radiated light through the hatch, and Rav Amram saw her. He took the ladder — a ladder so heavy that ten people couldn’t move it — and moved it by himself to climb to the attic. When he got halfway up the ladder, he planted his feet [to stand firmly with strength to overcome his desires — Rashi] and screamed, “There is a fire in the house of Amram!”

The rabbis came running and were shocked to see that instead of a fire, a scandal was unfolding. The rabbis told Rav Amram, “You embarrassed us [by causing the whole town to see that you almost sinned, after we left these captives in your house assuming that you wouldn’t do anything]!”

Rav Amram answered, “It is better that I brought you embarrassment in this world and not in the next world [which would have happened had I sinned].”

Rav Amram then demanded that the yetzer hara leave him. The yetzer hara emerged, appearing as a pillar of fire. Rav Amram told the yetzer hara, “See that you are fire and I am flesh, yet I am stronger than you.”

            This story is baffling. Rav Amram was pushed around by the yetzer hara. He could not shut off his desires. He seemed to have completely lost control over himself as he employed superhuman strength to move the ladder in order to sin. He could only stop himself from sinning by embarrassing himself and all the rabbis. He should have been embarrassed about what happened, and relieved that he had somehow saved himself from sinning. Yet not only wasn’t he ashamed, he even proclaimed to the yetzer hara, “See! I am stronger than you!” This is hard to understand.

            But in reality, what Rav Amram said makes a lot of sense. There will be times when we face challenges that we are not ready for. When that happens, the yetzer hara penetrates and takes over our thinking before we can stop him. Things quickly change from how they were just a few minutes earlier, and we feel, “I want it!” We no longer want to do anything to make our desires go away. We feel overwhelmed. It takes tremendous exertion to refocus ourselves, and we don’t even want to anyway. Getting what we desire becomes all that matters. Our desires influence every decision we make.

            When this happens, the only shot we have at winning is to hang onto our willpower and attack the yetzer hara. We must say NO and mean it. This is very difficult, and the longer the battle rages on, the harder it becomes. Overcoming these desires might just be the greatest victory there is. If we can pull it off, there is nothing for us to be ashamed of. In fact, the instinct to be embarrassed or upset that we desired is just the yetzer hara trying to make us feel down rather than excited after such an incredible victory.

            We should not be disheartened over losing our equilibrium. That is what happens in these situations, and our goal is to nonetheless emerge victorious. Though we shouldn’t go around telling everyone that we faced these desires — it is nobody’s business other than our own — there is nothing for us to be ashamed of.

            To the contrary, we should be excited when we succeed in this fashion. Because of the difficulty, it is one of the most precious accomplishments that exist. Even if we felt out of control, holding on makes us great.

This is why Rav Amram declared that he was stronger than the yetzer hara. Though it looked like the yetzer hara was pushing him around, in reality Rav Amram did something astounding! He defeated the yetzer hara, who is like a pillar of fire.   



(You can download the book here: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation)



All of us in the GYE community are behind you and are rooting for you!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Best way to break free: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Try it and see!

Re: Need Urgent Help 07 Sep 2019 20:55 #343410

  • ColinColin
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In a way Rabbi Amram used Mindfulness - he was able to make a distance between the desire and himself.
He was able to pause, worked out what he really wanted,- and understood that it was not the lust that he was truly gripped by at that moment. That the lust was actually a thought, not an intrinsic part of him.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior
Last Edit: 08 Sep 2019 21:37 by ColinColin.

Re: Need Urgent Help 07 Sep 2019 21:22 #343413

  • chaniel
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@Captain Thank you much for the kind words, the book, advice and wonderful story, so many lessons abound in it and I learnt a lot.

Re: Need Urgent Help 07 Sep 2019 21:34 #343414

  • chaniel
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Thank you so much ColinColin, for some reasons I am unable to access the link.

I get this error: "

Forbidden

You don't have permission to access /gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior on this server."

Re: Need Urgent Help 08 Sep 2019 21:35 #343439

  • ColinColin
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www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

The link works for me.

If it does not work for you, try to use a search engine and enter words such as Mindfulness Psychology Today Self Destructive  etc. etc.  ... well you get the idea.. that should work.

Re: Need Urgent Help 10 Sep 2019 12:22 #343475

  • chaniel
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Works now, thank you 
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