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TOPIC: Lonely marriage 256 Views

Lonely marriage 04 May 2019 01:34 #340922

  • Berliner
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unlike most of you, I’ve never seen porn in my life. But my wife has. I’m married almost 10 years and have had problems in the bedroom since day one. We’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars in therapy and are still in therapy. and,yes, my wife is clean now. But our our bedroom problem still isn’t solved.

for the first time, out of loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, selfishness and pain, I’m starting to have to feel a desire to start looking at porn, just as a release for my legitimate sexual energy that has no outlet.

the reason I’m writing here is because I want you to share with me how horrible it is and convince me to keep strong and continue having a porn free resume.

if you have any suggestions for me, I’d be grateful.

Re: Lonely marriage 04 May 2019 22:33 #340923

  • ColinColin
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I am single, but it is clear from your post that you have ongoing marriage problems.
These are the reason for you looking at porn.
And you are lonely too.

The best course of action is to act before you feel lonely, by planning activities when you will be alone.

Exercise
Praying Studying
Reading
Films etc.
Visiting sick relatives
Seeing friends

Plan a timetable of activities.
You might not be able to stick to it 100% because it depends on other people, but know that if someone cancels an arrangement you can at least exercise or read etc.

Good luck with your marriage issues.
Last Edit: 04 May 2019 22:33 by ColinColin.

Re: Lonely marriage 14 May 2019 23:27 #341162

  • growup
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It Sound like you are a tzaddikk for dealing with this as i imagine my wife is for dealing with me - i think you should repost this on the baalbatim 

Re: Lonely marriage 14 May 2019 23:54 #341163

  • Dave M
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I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through.  G-d willing it will get better.  But please do not turn to porn.  It will ruin your life.  I would suggest you read through many of the post in the "Introduce Yourself" forum.  There you will see how bad it is and how many lives it has ruined.  

Re: Lonely marriage 15 May 2019 10:48 #341174

  • bego
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Berliner wrote on 04 May 2019 01:34:
unlike most of you, I’ve never seen porn in my life. But my wife has. I’m married almost 10 years and have had problems in the bedroom since day one. We’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars in therapy and are still in therapy. and,yes, my wife is clean now. But our our bedroom problem still isn’t solved.

for the first time, out of loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, selfishness and pain, I’m starting to have to feel a desire to start looking at porn, just as a release for my legitimate sexual energy that has no outlet.

the reason I’m writing here is because I want you to share with me how horrible it is and convince me to keep strong and continue having a porn free resume.

if you have any suggestions for me, I’d be grateful.

Hi Berliner

Definitely never going to suggest anyone masturbates! But I totally hear your pain and hear how that seems like a logical and persuasive option. The energy is real, from that tight feeling down there to that driving need that you cant put into words. No amount of reading, walking etc. will make that go away. But it doesn't mean you should / can give in. But it also doesn't mean you need to feel ridiculous guilt if you do. 
It's a really hard balancing act that no-one here has quite managed to work out. 
Hashem makes us human. 
One thing I do want to say. Please do not think that porn and masturbation are synonymous. Again, I am not suggesting you masturbate (Lifnei Iver alert !!) I am saying that porn is destructive in its own way and to be avoided at all costs. 
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