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Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis
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TOPIC: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 1582 Views

Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 11 Apr 2019 22:52 #340539

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Hi Everyone, 

first time joining this website. I’m married for quite a few years and been struggling on and off with lust, inappropriate reading/images and on and off porn. 

I feel that it would be a tremendous chizuk for me to hear how improving in this area can help improve my relationship with my wife as currently we aren’t that close and we are really lacking emotional closeness to each other. 

So so if someone can share an article on this topic that would be awesome! 
Also I’d love to hear personal examples on how ppl saw improvements in their own marriages. 

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 00:09 #340540

  • Mosheisgood
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Hi newbie, won't go on for long right now, but all I can say that I'm on this website for slightly more than 3 months and have seen miracles in my marriage!!! I am a new person in general and in my marriage particularly!!!

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 00:23 #340541

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Hi Moisheisgood, 

Wow that’s amazing. If you have a chance it would be really helpful if you can give me more details as to what you’re struggles were and how you saw improvement in your marriage by working on the struggles. 

I myself don’t watch porn on a regular basis but I do look at women a lot and don’t control my thoughts enough. I also struggle with reading inappropriate things. Basically I don’t consider it a full addiction but more of a struggle. That being said I’m wondering how much it’s effecting my marriage. 

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 00:40 #340543

  • Mosheisgood
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I wrote much more, not sure why it got cut off will have to find time later maybe. But would recommend the Balai battim forum. Hatzlchah

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 01:11 #340544

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How do I get to the Bali batim forum? This site is kinda hard to use

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 02:40 #340545

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Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 17:49 #340558

  • privatep
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Welcome Newbie, you took a first great step to accomplishing your goal by joining GYE.
I have been here for 17 days and have seen some improvement in my relationship with my wife and have felt a tremendous difference in myself in my outlook and approach to my day. 
​The first thing i would say that has been helping me is coming to GYE every day even for a few minutes to read something short. The chizuk is tremendous and the group of people here are so supportive and helpful. Stay connected its so POWERFUL!! 
I would be happy to chat if you want.

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 20:38 #340563

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Thanks guys. Really encouraging to hear these things. I would really like to hear more in depth how relationships can improve by becoming clean. If anyone can explain how this works that would be very helpful! 

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 21:27 #340564

  • i-man
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welcome

it's very simple - lusting, viewing porn
, masturbating etc. are all inherently selfish actions because it's all about MY pleasure and making ME feel good .
At the same time it sends a powerful message to a spouse - You cannot make me happy I need to take alternate avenues for a woman who's emotianal makeup requires feeling appreciated this is particularly devastating

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 21:55 #340565

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What if she knows nothing about it?

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 22:04 #340566

  • formyfamily
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I don't think it matters because it affects you. Imagine how much more passionate you would be about/with your wife if she was your only avenue for pleasure? Women need that. One of the main reasons I started GYE was specifically because I finally realized that I was not the husband I wanted to be. I wanted to feel about my wife as she does about me. She always attributed my lack of passion or interest at times to naturally just having a lower sex drive but I knew that wasn't true. It was how she rationalized it because my just not being interested in her in that way would have been way too crushing. So even though she knew nothing about my habit, I realized that I was lying to her in a different way.

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 12 Apr 2019 22:13 #340567

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I hear you but that is in the physical dept. in my situation I still have the higher drive than my wife and she doesn’t see any lack of interest from me. If anything I see a lack from her. 

I’m talking from the emotional side. We’re not really close emotionally and I feel like it might be a result of my lusting. 

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 01 May 2019 02:42 #340808

  • je613
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I totally understand you R Newbie. Your awesome for being so straightforward. I pretty much have the same issues as you, but the scary part is that everytime I fall my wife feels a difference in our emotional connection. like out of nowhere she'll say "I don't feel close with you" " I feel so distant" i'll make it like I don't know why, but I know its because I masturbated or saw something I shouldn't have ….. so I cant explain the dynamics why its like that but it surely will get you a lot closer to her if you don't do these things. 

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 01 May 2019 03:04 #340809

i know by me theres this... kind of... guilt. its not outright, its kind of subconscious? also, i feel like im not fully there. (again, im having a hard time expressing what i mean lol) im assuming that their one and the same.


on a side note. in a VERY coarse paraphrasation (yup, its a word) of the chofetz chaim (nidchie yisroel perek 23, as seen in the phenomenal book, positive vision) it affects your children.

Re: Lusts impact on marriage/shalom bayis 01 May 2019 16:45 #340825

  • bego
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In my experience (without too much deep thought) there are two main areas this can help in.

Guilt. When I felt guilty I took it out on my wife. I'd get irritable and withdrawn. 

Building Desire - I was always desirous, but not for my wife. For SEX. Yeah, only with her, but it was the physical, not the emotional. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure she even knew, but I did. I'd get angry if we were not together (b'loshon more noki than above) and would cause passive aggressive fights from that. B"H, she has really noticed the difference in the time I've been here. 
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