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TOPIC: My Story 207 Views

My Story 26 Feb 2019 10:04 #339242

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Hello!
My story: I started watching Porn during the summer between 8th and 9th grade, which eventually escalated to masturbation when I was in 11th grade. It took some time, but eventually I realized that what I was doing was bad and yet, like many others, couldn't stop. It was a terrible time for me. I felt like a loser, a rashah, a hypocrite. I didn't have many friends during high school and so whenever homework piled on or I felt lonely, I'd turn to masturbating.
After high school I started learning in a Hesder Yeshiva (where I'm still learning), and then things started to change: Right at the beginning of Elul I had a talk with my Rav, and during the course of the talk, he asked me straight-out if I was watching Porn and masturbating. I was so stunned that I immediately admitted this was so, and suddenly, I felt freer than I'd felt in years. With his help, I managed to get a point of three-weeks abstinence at a time - meaning, not doing anything while I was away in Yeshiva.

Fast-forward a few years later: I had such a hard time serving in the IDF that I reached a point where I felt that if I didn't masturbate whenever I came home, I wouldn't be able to survive the next couple of weeks of service. Yeah, I was feeling really messed-up.

And then things really started changing: My brother and a few close friends got engaged and later got married near the end of my service, and then it really hit me hard that if I didn't beat this addiction, I wouldn't be able to have a healthy marriage myself. So when I got back to Yeshiva, I knew I would do anything to quit. Early last Elul I found this site, which actually led me to the Nofap site which, secular as it may be, has actually helped me tremendously, and here I am, with nearly half a year of abstinence.

The reason that I decided to come back to GYE is because I've come to realize lately that despite all of my progress, I'm still objectifying women. I have no idea if it's to a lesser extent than before or not. Personally, I'd like to start dating, in fact- the only person who's currently pressuring me to start dating is that same Rabbi, who's the only person who knows about my addiction.
If anyone has any tips or ideas on not objectifying women, I'd be happy to hear.
Have a nice day.

Re: My Story 26 Feb 2019 12:25 #339245

  • Hashem Help Me
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Where was your Rav when I was a bochur?!  Man, I am jealous. I suffered for years.....

Welcome. Very inspiring post. One advice that has worked for many here is that when we find ourselves objectifying a particular woman, to daven for her. By having in mind that she have a nice day, feel well, be able to pay her bills, we remind ourselves that she is a person - someone's daughter, sister, wife, mother, etc. She has feelings, needs and concerns. And therefore she cannot be my toy of fantasy, she is off limits. Let us know if this eitzah works for you.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My Story 26 Feb 2019 14:06 #339246

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 26 Feb 2019 12:25:
Where was your Rav when I was a bochur?!  Man, I am jealous. I suffered for years.....

Welcome. Very inspiring post. One advice that has worked for many here is that when we find ourselves objectifying a particular woman, to daven for her. By having in mind that she have a nice day, feel well, be able to pay her bills, we remind ourselves that she is a person - someone's daughter, sister, wife, mother, etc. She has feelings, needs and concerns. And therefore she cannot be my toy of fantasy, she is off limits. Let us know if this eitzah works for you.

Sounds like my wife.
I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

Re: My Story 26 Feb 2019 19:02 #339251

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I wish i had someone to put me on the spot like that as your rabbi did. I never said anything to anyone because no one would ever ask. It’s such an uncomfortable topic but i wish i was forced to adress it earlier like you did. In either case I’m here now and an thankfully working on myself one day at a time.

I find myself often objectifying women as well. However it helps me to sometimes completely think of something else or divert my attention elsewhere. Instead of thinking of the particular woman and telling myself not to fantasize about her i just stop thinking about her altogether as that works way better. Also i find that when i have a conversation with said woman (not that I’m suggesting you talk to  any woman you objectify). But when or if I’m in a conversation with them (particulary a meaningful conversation) i will then usually view them as human beings with thoughts and feelings and not just objects. Of course that’s not always possible so just diverting my thoughts is what i try to do as much as possible.

Re: My Story 26 Feb 2019 19:30 #339253

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Thanks for the tip. I've heard of the idea of imagining someone as a sister, daughter, etc, but this idea seems to go even deeper than that. I'll try it out, thanks.

Re: My Story 26 Feb 2019 19:33 #339255

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Thanks for the tip. I do try to divert my attention from random women, but it is quite hard. I'm worried that the same thoughts will chas v'shalom occur when I'll start talking to girls. 

Re: My Story 27 Feb 2019 00:16 #339265

I think that that would make me feel like i have a connection to her...
Is that bad?

Re: My Story 27 Feb 2019 01:58 #339269

  • ColinColin
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Hyr

Remember that looks are just that...looks.

Inside is a human, with thoughts and feelings, up-days and down-days, triumphs and struggles.
And above all....a mixture of good deeds and sins.
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