B'H I have recently passed the one year clean mark. I cannot believe I am writing these words. After struggling with MZ"L and Shmiras Einayim since my teenage years, I finally began to see success in this battle, when I joined GYE 2 1/2 years ago. In the beginning, I was able to stay clean for a few weeks at a time. Occasionally, even longer. The longest I went was 2 months. About a year ago, I had a fall and was feeling down. To pick myself up, I reviewed my history of clean days and falls and noted that I had fallen only 15 or so times in the last years. I was feeling pretty good about myself. In way that gave me a sense of false security. 15 minutes later, I was again hit with a lust attack and had my "worst" fall. I had never viewed content like this before. I had a crossed a red line I set for myself. That day I sat on the floor and cried. I felt there was no hope for me and I would never get out of this mess.
Up until this point, I had not interacted with any of the other GYE members. My GYE participation was only though the daily chizuk emails and the various articles. I knew I had to go outside my comfort zone and start opening up to other members and be active on the forum. That day I wrote my first post. Even though this forum is anonymous, It was terrifying putting my issues "out there". I was pleasantly surprised when I few people responded. One member even PM me (Thanks HHM!) Just knowing that there were people out there who actually cared, showed me that I'm not alone in this battle.
Given the extra momentum and energy that came from interacting on the forum, I had a relatively easy first couple of months staying clean. At around day 75, I was hit with such a strong lust attack. I knew I was going to fall. In my head I had already determined how I was going to "act out". Before I did, I PM someone and went for walk to clear my head. By some miracle, I was able to resist until the lust subsided.
This journey has had a lot of ups and downs. Just as a General during war time needs to constantly be evaluating the enemies' strategies and fine tuning his own when necessary, our battles are no different. Yes, I can say i was clean from porn and masturbation for 1 year. But can I honestly say I was totally clean from lust related behavior? Every couple of months I would have a slip. Every time this happened, I had to take an honest look within, and acknowledge that something needed to change. What led to this slip? And what do I need to do to prevent something like this from happening in the future. Along the way, I've reduced the amount of times I spent looking at secular news and have obtained from watching movies/tv shows.
Thank you to the GYE chevra for the support and chizuk you have provided. Just reading the other members' post about their struggles and triumphs has helped me in my own journey.
May Hashem continue to provide this wonderful organization with the needed resources and siyata dishmaya to continue saving thousands of precious lives.
