It's been a while since I posted an update on my personal thread.  B'H I just passed the 90 day clean mark, so figured now its a good time to post an update on my thread, given that most of my post are are from when I'm struggling.  Although I've had long stretches of staying clean, it's been a while that I've been clean from falling and slipping.  See, even in the last few years when I was in the middle of a long streak, I would slip from time to time before pulling back. 

What do I credit my most recent success to?  During my last fall, I was forced to look within myself and admit that I couldn't do this on my own.  I needed the support of a real live person.  So for the first time in my life I picked up the phone and called someone real and asked for his help.  After speaking, he recommended that I do daily check in.  In addition, anytime, I felt urges creeping up, I would reach out via text or phone and talk through the urges. 

A great example of this was earlier this week, I walked by a co-worker who was dressed extremely immodestly (even by goyish standards) and thankfully I averted  my eyes.  I think what gave me the courage to do this was knowing that my GYE mentor believed in me and was always encouraging me.  I texted him him afterwards this victory.  he sent me the most amazing voice message, which I saved and continued to listen to even a few days later.   

While I feel optimistic today, I know this will be a lifelong battle for me and I can never let my guard down.  I daven that Hashem should continue to give us all the strength and siyata dishmaya that we need to continue to fight this battle.  But especially, Hashem should continue to give Hashem Help Me (HHM) the strength (emotional and physical) to be the amazing support he is to the entire GYE community. 

Today, I'm at 105 days clean.  but wanted to post about a pretty powerful experience I had.  Yesterday, I had strong urges to look at things that should not be looked at.  The urges were gnawing at me for a few hours and I kept pushing it off.  Finally, I got up from my desk and took a walk outside and re-listened to a voice recording my mentor had sent me a few weeks ago, which helped a bit.  I also davened really hard to Hashem to help me get past this.  But I was feeling so frustrated!  Why does this keep happening???  I'm trying to stay clean, watch what I look at, and stay kosher.  I daven hard to Hashem to help me, but the urges keep coming.  It was a deflating feeling. 

I texted my mentor about my current state and he called me right away.  We talked it through and I calmed down.  After this conversation, the urges went away.  One advice my mentor gave me was to call my wife to check in on how she was doing when I get these urges, which I did.  She was pretty surprise that I called her out of the blue, but seemed happy.  

 Although it was a stressful day at work, I left work feeling proud of this big victory.  Before establishing my accountability partner, I do not believe I could have gotten past this challenge. 

P.S.  When I got home, my wife told me how she really appreciated me calling to check in on here.  So that was a nice bonus, to turn something that has a negative effect on one's marriage, into  an opportunity to increase the shalom bayis.

Dave M wrote on 09 Sep 2022 14:36:

Beautiful post! Keep up the great work!

yes also struggel with it 

but bh doing good as of now and hope i will get ut of this thinggs

Great idea to call your wife. Firstly, it redirects the energy to the proper direction. Secondly, it reminds you that you have a wife who you simply may not cheat on....

Yesterday, I had a pretty bad slip.  B'H pulled back pretty quickly before it could get worst.  I believe the cause for this was in the days leading up to this, my lust level was steadily building.  Also, one day, I wasn't as careful as I should be with my shemiras einayim when interacting with some co-workers. 

I reached out to my mentor to discuss some ideas how to avoid in the future.  I've been in this situation before.  I know I just need to put this setback behind me and keep moving forward.  B'H this time I have a mentor that I could talk to and work through this.

Have a good Shabbos, Dave 

Dave M wrote on 28 Oct 2022 14:21:

I mamash can’t describe to you how happy I am to hear from you.
May you have continued hatzlocha

Hey buddy, hope you’re well