Honesty. Honesty has be a challenge for me. Notice, I did not say “the truth.” I have almost always known the truth, but embracing the truth and guiding my actions by it has been a problem for me. I haven’t dealt with the truth, honestly.  I want what I say now, to be honest. I want to face the truth and speak in a way that does not paint me to be any more or less of a man than I actually am.

I am 55; just a few weeks from turning 56. I became sexually active almost exactly 40 years ago to the very day that I am writing this, now. Since that day, I have experienced almost everything imaginable, with the exception of hard drugs. What I am most ashamed of is that for most of those 40 years, I felt little to no remorse; I did not want to change and I felt no need to change.

Why do I care now? I don’t know how to answer that. But, I know that I do care. I also know that I want to be the kind of man Hashem wants me to be.  If how I conduct myself sexually is important to Him, then it is important to me.  For the first time in my life, it doesn’t matter what I want. What’s important is what He wants.

I know what I have been. I don’t want that anymore. I want something better. And, I want my wife to have the best husband possible. I just hope that best husband turns out to be me.

שאלת חכם חצי תשובה the fact that your here and willing to be helped is half the job

keep it up

Hey,

Great 1st post!! That really takes courage to write something like that, great job and you are headed in the right direction. It's remarkable you're able to say with a full heart you only want to do what Hashem wants, that's hard for anyone to say. 
I hope you find what you need on GYE to make you the best you, you can be and the best husband possible.
please keep posting