tzomah wrote on 11 Feb 2018 12:05:

i was baseing my statement on  a peshat i heard on the Gemara  in Megila "Vaf gam zos biheyosim bieretz o`vey hem lo miastem etc -"  "And  even when they will be exiled  in the land of their enemies , I will not be disgusted in them  etc" there are 4 leshonos  for the 4 exiles i think the order is 1.bavel 2. persia and media(?)-"paras oomahdie"  3.yavan 4.edom and paralel to these 4 exiles Hashem Made 4 deliverers,1. Daniel Chananya ,Misha`el V`Ezarya 2.Mordechai veEster 3.the  Chashmanoem and Matisyahu Cohen Gadol. 4.Bais  Rebbe veChachmei Hadoros ,what enables us to make through
galus edom ,the fourth galus is Bais Rebbe and the Chachmei hadoros. but i aint calling anyone a rasha chas veshalom,just if you play around with what the Chachomim of our dor  are telling us ,dont be surprised  if there is a lack of siyata diShmaya,since we are deep in galus edom,(halevai the end)and Chazal reveal to us the tool to  succeed in galus edom IS Chachmei hadoros.

Just a personal obeservation:
6 months ago, there was no way last night didn’t end with masturbation.
Thank you Hashem for my progress.

i was not referring to what gedolim said 
rather what it seems like you are taking out of it that someone who is struggling (not only with the computer rather an addiction or desire for lust in general) is flaunting the gedolim i don't think that is true
my other point was that someone struggling with this type of nisayon doesn't usually do well to think if he will or will not get siyata dishmaya
i was not talking about not getting filters just the attitude 

HakolMilimala wrote on 11 Feb 2018 12:40:

a recovering addict is not the same as an addicted addict

anyway how do you know that?

tzomah wrote on 11 Feb 2018 22:08:

That could be true that they are different, but i think it will be a long long time of being clean and only if I actually stay clean that an unfiltered device might become desexualized.

I don’t know anything as fact, but I have researched addiction, and have read a few good books. It interests me, and it helps because I’m im not oblivious to what I’m dealing with.

I have a very similar thing when it comes to this crush I had on a girl. A few years removed from this but I texted/hung out with girls, and there was one girl that I convinced myself I was gonna marry and we spoke a lot. To this day, I’m not fully over her even though it’s completely ridiculous.

Theres certain things that get changed that I think change for good and become somewhat part of your nature unless you do serious therapy and work to remove them and even then don’t know if it’s possible.

like they say, once a crush always a crush. Once an addict, always an addict.
unfortunate, but probably true.

Whadya think

if you believe you believe it i aint gonna convince you out of it if it helps your recovery great thats the point
i personally have a hard time buying it  maybe there are people so far in their addiction that in this lifetime they wont get out who knows but a rule of once an addict always an addict doesn't seem to have any basis a person can change in fascinating ways
as for the crush that is just a memory playing tricks on you from my experience go back in 10 years you may not remember what you were so crazy over

tzomah wrote on 11 Feb 2018 22:05:

im sorry if my words implied that ,i did not mean that, and what you wrote about what i wrote about siyata dishmaya  , that it could dishearten someone, you might be right and i apologize.

My roommates aren’t here for the weekend and I have the room to myself. This, coupled with the fact that I didn’t have the most successful day and I’m not in the best mood, is triggering me and I’m having a strong urge to masturbate.
Hope sharing this settles me down.

thats a tough situation, sorry to hear that. i may not have the answers but feel free to chat if you need a listening ear

Hashem always sends that message “ hey this is your last chance do you want to turn back” 
as im doing my thing it pops up that I got a gye response. but I just fell.
my filter blocked out any porn bh but I was able to pull up a few pictures.
before falling, the strongest deterrents going through my mind were taking down that gye count as I was about to get 30 days, what a shame. Thinking about going back into therapy and discussing this when I’m supposed to be making progress..

I think my real fall (by real I mean the one that I can work on) happened earlier today though, I let myself get out of schedule and out of whack and I was feeling unproductive and I started getting depressed which for me is always a feeling of where’s the light at the end of the tunnel. When I get into that mood I just want to escape. I have to stay positive and optimistic and then I’m ok..

I hope I’m not back at square 1

I'm not "qualified" to say this as I haven't gotten close to 30 days, but I can repeat what I've heard from others: Falling after 30 days does not mean you're back at square one. It means you stayed clean for 30 days! That's a great accomplishment. Along with the fact of how much it bothered you as you were falling. That's nothing to sneeze at. Keep your head up!

Thanks man you got a good heart.
i think the issue here is that why am I viewing yeshiva as a tunnel? I catergorize a good day if I see the light at end of the tunnel and a bad day if i don’t. And that’s because for me I view yeshiva as a necessary and very important tunnel towards life and since I believe it’s important I commit myself to it, but it’s still not very healthy if I’m just looking at it as a tunnel to life.. how happy can I be if I’m still in the tunnel?

I need ideas, but if I’m going to be in yeshiva a few more years I have to work on shifting my mentality. This is every much as part of life as marriage and a career is part of life.. it’s a hard part but I have to enjoy it for its own sake, not just what it means as a tunnel for the rest.

question is if this is possible, or maybe I need to switch to a yeshiva with a little bit of a broader tunnel :/

Hmmm...you're a lot more self-aware and courageous than I've ever been, but if you ask me, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. All of life is a tunnel, or maybe track is a better word. Being in Yeshiva isn't the pipeline that leads you to life. It is a segment of the track that IS life. A medical student for example doesn't go through years of medical school, thinking, "Once this is done, then I can start my life!" The experience of medical school is itself a formative and memorable chunk of life.

I obviously can't answer if you should switch yeshivas, but if you feel your current place is on a track that does not allow you to enjoy your journey on it, perhaps it's something to explore.

Good points but actually I think a medical student does go through school saying that after this is done he could start life! 
So I understand it’s all a tunnel to hopefully olam haba but what I mean is that for me yeshiva is pretty much only enjoyable because I know the tools it’s giving me for after, versus id like to believe that even though the rest of my life will be a tunnel to the next world, I’ll be able to enjoy day to day life more for its own sake.
I learn well because I’m self motivated and committed, but yeshivas a constant battle for me.

I guess it depends on the person. Some students will be only focused on the endgoal of becoming a doctor while others will be able to enjoy the experience as they travel through it. If you ask me the latter is the healthier one.

It's great that you're learning, but depending on the nature of the battle, if it's constant then I think that's somewhat of a warning sign. I can tell you for myself, I felt the exact same way in my yeshiva, it was not suited for me at all and every day was a struggle. I tossed around the idea of switching but didn't do it. I know it's part of Hashem's plan but I still very much regret not switching.

Disclaimer: Don't take advice from me, a random shnook on the internet, speak to your rebbi, etc etc