Thanks Hashem Help Me,
but personally, I could always use the words porn, masturbation, sex, ejaculation.
Im not sheltered. I can use these words and I can talk about porn and masturbating and escape. I have real-life, non-anonymous friends that I can tell and have told I’m addicted to porn.

This is not about that. If you would read my posts, nowhere do I mention that I’m looking for someone I can be open to with about struggles with acting out. That is not what this is about. And for all those that appreciated Hashem Help Me’s post, you should see this discrepancy. I appreciate your response friend, but this is about the pain that leads to all that.

I believe this is about emotional intimacy and bonding, which is not something I think I can achieve with any fellow man here on gye. It’s something that in our system just doesn’t exist until marriage if you’re going to play by the rules. And that’s why there’s not much hope for change for me at my current age and stage in life. It’s just about waiting and pushing through, I guess?

It's one thing to tell a friend that you're addicted to porn, I'd imagine it's another level to connect with someone in-person who struggles and relates to the same, to support and provide a shoulder for each other. Do you have that? (I don't! but I think it would be hugely helpful)

While it's obviously not the same level as marriage, I would think that an honest relationship like that is about emotional intimacy and bonding.

Good point Lifebound, and I think you’re right that that would probably be very helpful, and no I don’t have that.

One thing I guess I haven’t been clear about though is that this is not about talking to someone about my porn use. This is about talking to someone about how utterly lonely I am, and how my childhood has got me to this point. About feeling less lonely in this way. And even if I can connect to another man in an intimate way when it comes to being recovery partners, i think it will be practically impossible for me to find someone to connect to in my loneliness and other pain. 
To reiterate, a great quote from dov, porn isn’t the problem, it’s the solution.

The problem for me is sobriety, because sobriety for me is very very lonely, so how much can it help me to be open with someone about staying clean from porn, maybe that can band-aid me enough that I won’t use that solution. But I want to rid myself of the problem, and that means connecting with someone in life, not just about abstaining from porn.

Thanks for your comments. I guess i was not clear in my previous post. The chevra here have filled a void in my life regarding general loneliness. Although surrounded by people, good people, i was unable to open up and be really human. The chevra on GYE trained me that its ok to lower my guard and share all issues (not just GYE issues). I have been able to share with the oilam here about my depression/anxiety issues in a very meaningful way. I hope you find someone who can do for you what was done for me. I am literally a different person - and definitely much  more honest and humble, thanks to a great group of people here. Hatzlocha. 

Thanks Hashem Help Me, and thanks for clarifying.

Heres the thing, I don’t know that much about anyone here, so how do i choose? How do I know which person is going to be someone that I can relate to and connect with? 

Thats why I think what makes the most sense is this request, for all of you reading this, please please take a few minutes and read through my posts a little bit. You can learn quite a lot about me. If you then feel that you relate to me and are interested in speaking, reach out.

Im looking for someone I can talk to who had his experiences with girls and relationships outside of the traditional Shiduchim and marriage. Someone from my generation or a savvy guy who’s a bit older who knew/understands what it’s like being a teenager with what’s app Snapchat instagram Twitter, social mediaing and texting all the girls you get your hands on, just trying to fill some emotional void.
And someone like me, who’s trying to put that all behind them, trying to become a consistent Ben Torah and gain real emotional and mental competence and independence. Because besides, even if I was going to get married now, I know I’m not supposed to rely on marriage to heal any problems. Expectations can put a real damper on things.

HakolMilimala wrote on 05 Mar 2018 22:11:

Hi been following this thread a little just one want to comment on the above post 

Good cop: yes it is hard to find the right guy to talk to and open up and I too have this issue but I have met talked on the phone with and texted a few people here and though I have not met the perfect friend here to constantly talk to they have been of tremendous help so i suggest just try to talk/email to someone whose posts  talk to you and take it from there Good luck

Bad Cop: Stop thinking so much and just try someone here and where the hell were all these reservations when you "opened up to all those girls or whomever you played with in the past 

All the best

[My suggestion - pick up the phone and call some of the chevra here that will understand you and let you vomit out all your raw emotional pain. You will iyh experience catharsis and will be on the road to recovery. Hatzlocha buddy.]  from my experience HashemHelpMe's idea works best for need to connect to somebody and vent everything or even just to sharing all you problems with, and the good "side effects" of it is #1 you can really say everything with no fear of hold back, because the "gye chevra" are in or have been in the same experience. & #2 you can get a lot of great idea's to help your problems from people that understands you better then most people because of the constant connection/contact with them, give them the ability give ideas that will help you.     PS. this is the #1 tool that help me on gye, and i'm now 84 days clean streak & 121 cumulative days clean bh and i started 126 days ago:) 

HakolMilimala wrote on 05 Mar 2018 17:58:

Please don’t be disappointed if you don’t find that emotional intimacy and bonding right away in marriage and excuse me for saying this but that emotional intimacy that you experienced when you met with girls I think was plain lust you were feeling  disguised by your emotional needs being met .keep on inspiring us!

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 06 Mar 2018 00:03:

I like the bad cop. Pretty good point. Thanks man.
Though I was kinda picky who i spoke to and associated myself with.

ieeyc wrote on 06 Mar 2018 08:50:

Thanks ieeyc thats a great point. I know that I’m not supposed to go into marriage expecting it to heal anything or be a lifesaver, rather an attitude of whatever I get out of this is a plus, and maybe just focused on my wife getting something out of it. If I focus on others needs, often my own gets fulfilled.

I think that the expectations do come from past experience though. You’re making a pretty bold assumption when you say my meeting girls was lust. You’re probably imagining some picture that I met with girl in a pizza shop on motzei shabbos, then went to a movie, then kissed her in the darkness of the theater. Well hey, that wasn’t me. I had relationships of over 2 years where I spoke/texted consistently almost every day, just emotional support, growing together in frumkeit, helping each other get through our teen years and become better people. Was everything I did l’halacha? Nope. But for me personally, these relationships were positive. During these relationships, I lusted less, i watched less porn, I masturbated less. I felt full. 

So i guess that kinda built expectations for me. If I got this fulfillment in the past, I believe I can get it again. Is that dangerous? Maybe. But at the end of the day it all comes down to how hard I work on my relationship with my wife, right? And if I’m willing to sacrifice for it, then who’s to say I won’t get that emotional fulfillment again? One thing I can say is I do believe I’m not just basing this off how past lusting made me feel.

hi , i realy have to apologize , although even just shmoozing with a girl not for marriage purposes  is not appropiate  ,as i sure you know,i was not inferring that i thought  or was choshesh you of doing the above mentionedkissing etc.,all i meant was even if a boy and girl learn mesilas yesharim  ,know my friend  its lust,( i heard this from an adom gadol ,its not my own),and surely if its innocent shmoozing and its just a feeling that i like this persons company , its lust in disguise.why cant a person when hes talking to a plain ole` ugly man  feel the" one mindedness" that when feels  when talking with a girl who seems to understand him so well ?because hes just a plain ole` ugly man. yes it could feel so innocent talking to a girl sometimes that one might even wonder whats so asur , but again theres  lust involved, of course there are levels of lust ,but lust is lust.there are even cases where women flirted with men talking in Torah,or vice versa,but its the same old thing,and i was just making a point , and im not an adam gadol, but could be your  fond memories of talking to girls about important matters (and really important topics , and maybe  even  with a rischa deoraysa ) is just your yetzers  trick .  again ,i believe you 100%  if you tell me that there was no breach of negia, but even without negia , at least for a person like me just shmoozing with a girl  is a nice pleasent feeling that ill feel good with for a nice while after we depart company , especialy if she showed interest to what i said , and swallowed every word of mine .if i was honest with myself id know that the feelings that i had were not ah she understands me , but plain old  lust feelings. please forgive me if im wrong.hatzlacha!(by the way ,not that you need my opinion , but i think that someone who used to talk to girls and stopped  is a  TZADIK,so please dont be offended by what i wrote) your brother,ieeyc.

I agree with you 1000 percent that much of the emotional fulfillment is much easier to attain if there is physical attraction,
but i do think you’re incorrect in calling it lust if it’s not a sexual desire. Even if such activity can lead to sexual desires, that doesn’t mean that the actual emotional fulfillment of a close friendship with a girl is lust. 
I’d also like to add that the difference between a man and a woman for me is not just physical attraction. Although that is true, there is also a very big difference in what I feel comfortable talking about and how I feel comfortable talking about it. In social norms, there are some things which I can open up to women and be accepted much more than I can open to men, who need to be cool and all “bro bro.” There is a certain element to a woman of motherly love and care. Also, women respect men that open up to them a lot. Men, whether or not it’s true, I often think that they’ll look at me weirdly for choosing to open up to them and for what I opened up to them about. So in short, even if you were theoretically correct that it’s lust, there is a lot more to the story of why I long for this absent connection with women.
it doesn’t make much of a difference how you brand it though, you’re right, and I appreciate you taking the time for these posts.

I agree that it is wrong to have contact with girls, however platonic one believes it to be, and that is why, however difficult, I have stopped at my current stage in life, but I do seriously consider that for my younger self, it was the lesser of two evils. Of course this is impossible for anyone but Hashem to know, but I do have bitachon that everything I did was essential in becoming who I am today.

Not sure if I’m able to attach a picture on here bc it’s not working but it was a dictionary definition of lust

On GYE those social norms do not exist, we all respect each other no matter what and anyone can open up about anything.

That is what everyone is trying to tell you, just pick up the phone and call, we are all waiting for you to open up and no one will think you are not manly for opening up.

We are all here because to some level we realize we need each other, that brings a fair amount of humility and this causes us to be less judgmental, we all have our emotional needs etc and we are all here for ourselves and each other.

I am happy to talk with you (my email is in my signature), as you can see from my thread I was married and no longer am, so I am very well aware about the issues of loneliness and emotional voids.


Hatzlacha Rabbah.

P.s. I have been following your thread, I am not sure why a male who respects you for being very open and emotional (there are many many on this site and in the world) would not accomplish the same purpose that you seem to feel you are missing from a platonic female friendship.

heemircha wrote on 06 Mar 2018 20:20:

 This.

Yeah, it's not considered manly to be openly emotional and talk about your feelings. Nor is it manly or cool to talk about stopping masturbating. Well, no one here gives a damn about that. We're not here to be "bro bro". We're here to be actual brothers, to support each other, to care for each other.