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Welcome me :)
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TOPIC: Welcome me :) 21705 Views

Re: Welcome me :) 21 Jan 2018 09:23 #325734

  • lionking
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A Gitte Voch Hakol Milimala,
Welcome aboard!
Sorry for the belated welcome, I'm not officially part of the welcoming committee.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
The reason I am writing to you now, is a little selfish of me. I am awed by your posts, they are honest, and thought provoking. I just needed to reply to this thread in order to subscribe for updates!
I wish I had the clarity and maturity that you seem to have, when I was your age. Unfortunately there isn't yet any time machines, and I need to learn how to deal with this issue as a married man, while you B"H can enter IY"H marriage a better person.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Welcome me :) 21 Jan 2018 09:34 #325735

  • lionking
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Yerushalmi wrote on 21 Jan 2018 06:40:
......

Dear Yerushalmi,
Welcome aboard.
You've got a pretty decent command of the English language for a Yerushalmi. 
In each of the 4 posts that you posted in the past, each one you share what you would do on a personal level. Can I suggest something?
Perhaps it would benefical for you, to open your own thread, and share a little your personal story? Tons of people find it very helpful.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Welcome me :) 21 Jan 2018 15:54 #325752

  • Hakolhevel
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HakolMilimala wrote on 19 Jan 2018 18:24:
Hi Hakolhevel thanks for reaching out.
Why is Hakol hevel? Do you mean all materialism is hevel? Otherwise I would say everything has a lot of meaning and value.

and yeah about the ODAAT, I think it’s definitely a great outlook. But I also think that I have to think about my future a lot and plan ahead as to how I’m going to handle certain challenging situations and how im going to hopefully be a porn-free married man. So when I do this and I look ahead and I plan for my future by trying to reach certain goals and attain a level of personal growth, it can be very daunting to think of the concept of giving up porn forever and never going back there. I think the more I abstain from it though the easier that concept becomes. Do you find the same?

About hakolhevel you will have to take up your arguments to King Solomon (kohelet 1:2 although to be fair king Solomon says Havel)

As far as one day at a time. I would listen to this https://guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/One%20day%20at%20a%20time.mp3

As far as it becomes easier over time. I don't know, currently I'm clean for only sixty something days. And I fell once at 110 days. I think (for me) the key is to set yourself up for success every day. Every day of your life. 

Re: Welcome me :) 22 Jan 2018 04:53 #325793

  • HakolMilimala
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Thanks everyone for the responses. BH very busy in yeshiva right now! The structure is keeping me alive and not letting me to get too down. This forum is right up my alley. I think it can really help me and it helps me to help others. I like to right and I’m a big fan of writing about self-help. And I’m sure we can all admit that opening up to a great community like this is amazing!
Hope to find time to post here and there.

thanks Yerushalmi for the awesome advice. Very well put.

thank you lion king. I am flattered that you enjoy my posts and hope to continue to be a part of this.

thank you hakolehevel. I wasn’t really referring to if it becomes easier to abstain or not. More that it becomes easier for me to fathom the idea of never watching porn again. But then again, I’m probably just saying that because I’m king pretty well right now. In a down time, it’ll be much harder to say. And that’s when I’ll have to ride to the challenge.

Re: Welcome me :) 22 Jan 2018 05:01 #325794

  • HakolMilimala
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I like to right and I’m a big fan of writing about self-help.

and I know it’s spelled write lol. I’m in yeshiva but I can spell and write a little bit  ​

Re: Welcome me :) 22 Jan 2018 15:40 #325807

  • gibbor120
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Welcome!  I'm glad you decided to go to therapy and it is helping.  Don't try and imagine never again.  Do what you need to do to become a healthier person that doesn't "need" to act out.  You may want to check out the handbook, dov quotes (link in my signature), and of course keep posting here. 

What do you find most helpful about therapy?  How is it helping you?  Just curious to hear.  Maybe it will also inspire someone else to seek help from a therapist.

Re: Welcome me :) 22 Jan 2018 15:59 #325813

  • Singularity
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HakolMilimala wrote on 19 Jan 2018 01:22:
 I can’t seem to imagine never watching porn again. It seems impossible. And unrealistic. Should I just be thinking shorter term? Anyways, just wanted to introduce myself. I’d really appreciate if people reach out. Thanks

I never want to let my lust go. I long for the day where I can just see those images again.
When? tomorrow.
But not today. I hope.
And it's all about today.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Welcome me :) 23 Jan 2018 14:09 #325867

  • HakolMilimala
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What do you find most helpful about therapy?  How is it helping you?  Just curious to hear.  Maybe it will also inspire someone else to seek help from a therapist.

Hey gibbor120, thanks for reaching out.
I think that depending on why someone is watching porn, their experience in therapy will be somewhat difference. For me personally, and I imagine, for many, there is a lot going on below the surface that plays out on the surface with acting out. In therapy, we can discover a ton about our “below the surface” selves. We can gain clarity on so much of our past history with sexuality, our traumas, and our behaviors that we don’t understand. We can gain clarity and understanding of the pain of our childhoods/family relationships. 
Some, however may claim that they watch porn out of desire, but that below the surface, everything is great. Well, these people can benefit from therapy too, learning better ways to channel their desires. However, most likely, these people will uncover something in therapy that will shock them. They’re not just watching porn out of desire. Think about it for a second. Would someone who is a completely healthy, happy, motivated, and content person persistently knock themselves down with their behavior? While it’s true that after these behaviors become extremely habitual and one can have difficult stopping even if all else is well, but how did he get to that point? How did he build a habit of escaping from reality to lust land? What was so bad/difficult about reality that he felt the need to check out?
There are answers to these questions, and by going to therapy, you have a great shot of finding those answers.
If you can find those answers, you can begin to heal and take steps toward repairing your soul. Once the inside begins to heal, you will notice a monumental difference when it comes to not acting out. All of a sudden, there’s no hole to fill. Yes, porn is exciting, but without the need/desire to escape from reality, you’ll slowly find yourself staying around here with your recovery friends and away from some of your other imaginary friends.

In good therapy, you’re problem with porn becomes you and you’re therapist’s problem with porn. You’re not in this alone. You are not isolated in a tremendously confusing and difficult world.

Additionally, to have someone that’s job is to listen to you is a great feeling. Your therapist will be all ears, and you can talk about whatever you’d like. For the first time you can talk about your sexual behavior without any fences at all. You can let everything spill out. It’s an amazing feeling. Just to be able to share your craziness and have someone work with you to sort it all out. Having someone that you meet with weekly can also create accountability, which for many people can be a huge catalyst in coming and staying clean.

If anyone else has other things to share about therapy, please do.
Last Edit: 23 Jan 2018 14:16 by HakolMilimala.

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 01:03 #325889

  • HakolMilimala
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HakolMilimala wrote on 23 Jan 2018 14:09:


What do you find most helpful about therapy?  How is it helping you?  Just curious to hear.  Maybe it will also inspire someone else to seek help from a therapist.

Hey gibbor120, thanks for reaching out.
I think that depending on why someone is watching porn, their experience in therapy will be somewhat difference. For me personally, and I imagine, for many, there is a lot going on below the surface that plays out on the surface with acting out. In therapy, we can discover a ton about our “below the surface” selves. We can gain clarity on so much of our past history with sexuality, our traumas, and our behaviors that we don’t understand. We can gain clarity and understanding of the pain of our childhoods/family relationships. 
Some, however may claim that they watch porn out of desire, but that below the surface, everything is great. Well, these people can benefit from therapy too, learning better ways to channel their desires. However, most likely, these people will uncover something in therapy that will shock them. They’re not just watching porn out of desire. Think about it for a second. Would someone who is a completely healthy, happy, motivated, and content person persistently knock themselves down with their behavior? While it’s true that after these behaviors become extremely habitual and one can have difficult stopping even if all else is well, but how did he get to that point? How did he build a habit of escaping from reality to lust land? What was so bad/difficult about reality that he felt the need to check out?
There are answers to these questions, and by going to therapy, you have a great shot of finding those answers.
If you can find those answers, you can begin to heal and take steps toward repairing your soul. Once the inside begins to heal, you will notice a monumental difference when it comes to not acting out. All of a sudden, there’s no hole to fill. Yes, porn is exciting, but without the need/desire to escape from reality, you’ll slowly find yourself staying around here with your recovery friends and away from some of your other imaginary friends.

In good therapy, you’re problem with porn becomes you and you’re therapist’s problem with porn. You’re not in this alone. You are not isolated in a tremendously confusing and difficult world.

Additionally, to have someone that’s job is to listen to you is a great feeling. Your therapist will be all ears, and you can talk about whatever you’d like. For the first time you can talk about your sexual behavior without any fences at all. You can let everything spill out. It’s an amazing feeling. Just to be able to share your craziness and have someone work with you to sort it all out. Having someone that you meet with weekly can also create accountability, which for many people can be a huge catalyst in coming and staying clean.

If anyone else has other things to share about therapy, please do.

I wrote that all in a very matter of fact way. Kinda like an essay on therapy more than a personal account of my story with therapy. I apologize, could be my writing is very assertive, but really, behind all those very strong words, I’m sharing my journey in therapy. That’s what I’ve found therapy has done for me and whatever I said “You can do xyz in therapy” I mean that that’s the awesome things therapy has done for me. So maybe it can work for others too.

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 04:25 #325902

  • Hashem Help Me
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Hakol, your post is gadlus. I would like to add that having GYE chaverim also has that amazing effect. One can share the most bizarre sexual triggers and actions knowing that they will not be looked down upon. They can finally get it all out in the open and off their chests. You sound like someone who iyh will be soon helping many other people break free. Hatzlocha!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 05:55 #325909

  • ineedanewheart
wow hakolmilimala, thank you for sharing, isnt it amazing that Rabbi Elimelech milezhinskztl or was it Rav  Nacman ztl who already new this secret of spilling everything out to a listening ear , it helps a person in recovery,to tell the truth , i myself was a little skeptical when i heard about this inyan  of finding a listening ear ...but now   that i see  that it works for you ,im very impressed ,thanks again.
Last Edit: 24 Jan 2018 06:02 by .

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 06:01 #325910

  • HakolMilimala
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Didn’t know that but I’ll take your word for it. That’s definitely amazing. 

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 08:42 #325912

  • ieeyc
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ineedanewheart wrote on 24 Jan 2018 05:55:
wow hakolmilimala, thank you for sharing, isnt it amazing that Rabbi Elimelech milezhinsk ztl or was it Rav  Nacman ztl who already new this secret of spilling everything out to a listening ear , it helps a person in recovery,to tell the truth , i myself was a little skeptical when i heard about this inyan  of finding a listening ear ...but now   that i see  that it works for you ,im very impressed ,thanks again.

well im not surprised that you were not convinced when you learnt it from sefarim  since its s/t that i was saying all along  , when a heilige tzadik says s/t ,then its by some yidden "YAAAAAAWN"but when it comes from  a secular person ,we are all ears althogh they are saying the same thing!

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 14:29 #325922

  • gibbor120
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Thank you HM for your well articulated response.  I'm glad I asked.
Last Edit: 24 Jan 2018 14:30 by gibbor120.

Re: Welcome me :) 24 Jan 2018 16:19 #325927

  • HakolMilimala
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So I’m having a bit of a dilemma.
Please help.
last year I pounded away in yeshiva. I learnt close to or over 11 hours a day most days. There was so much stress and pain about my past that I was holding inside that I was sweeping under the carpet. But my growth in my learning was tremendous. I just kept pushing through. My self motivation to learn and learn how to learn was tremendous. (In high school I hadn’t learnt that much and this was my first year in bm)
As far as recovery from the sexual habits that I had learn to use to escape, there were a couple months that I was so engrossed in my learning that I didn’t even think of acting out. But the reasons for my acting out were clearly in there, and I was ignoring them. The second that bein hazmanim came, I found myself masturbating and found myself some porn. It was shocking how I could “throw away” the whole zman so fast. 

Then when I hit my rock bottom early this year and went to therapy, things started to change for me. I don’t have the same drive to learn this year. I show up to sedarim and shiur but bein hasedarim and shabbos are weaker. 

This is a note from my “diary” December 17 2017 (slightly edited for anonymity)

“I want to give someone a huge hug. It is absolutely amazing. Forget about my tremendous growth in learning. Seriously throw that all away and the last couple years have just been absolutely amazing. I just saw a picture of me with my arm around a girl wearing a sleeveless shirt at the BLANK concert three Chanukas ago. BLANK BOYFRIEND OF MINE is kissing her cheek. It’s surprisingly easy to forget how much I’ve grown and changed. I guess Hashem built our brains that way as an allowance for teshuva and an oppurtunity to be able to move on.

My life could have stayed that way. It really really could have. Would I have eventually straightened out and got married. I hope. But I’d be scared for that guy getting married. If you look at marriage as the culmination of a spiritual battle, a long awaited opportunity for intimacy, romance, and sex, you’re screwed. And I’ve grown so so much. Be it with BLANK THERAPIST, be it with BLANK THERAPIST, be it with just going a year and a half without going to a concert or texting a girl. This yeshiva is my flipping rehab. I love it.

I really have to work on having an exceedingly positive outlook on yeshiva here. So if I don’t have an amazing Seder, or I’m not so klur on the sugya the rosh yeshiva learnt up in shiur, or I miss some tefilos, seriously, just take a step back and see where you’re holding man.

Such a blessing.

Such a miracle.”

End quote.

now that is all great what I wrote, but I’m getting nervous about this. By placing my recovery as a huge priority, I have seen myself come to terms with a lot of my past and heal inside. Now it’s hard to know if I’ve made a real difference because currently I don’t have the access to watch porn even if I wanted to. The test will be bein hazmanim when there will inevitably be access (other people’s devices). But by placing my recovery as a huge priority, and especially with the discovery of GYE which is great but taking up some of my time, I feel like I’m compromising on these years of yeshiva. I don’t plan on learning long term and these were supposed to be my years to really pack it in. Maybe when I’m in yeshiva I can just pound away and deal with everything later.
Many times I start doubting myself, am I really that sick, I don’t watch porn ussually in yeshiva. I’ve never gone beyond porn. do I need to be placing such a stress and giving so much time to recovery? Maybe I should just go sit down and learn and screw all this recovery work. I’ll be fine, no?
But then I remember my struggle with porn that has been going on for years. and maybe it’s not so bad that I’m making it a priority. I feel like I’m I’m not living up to my name though. I was on track of becoming a “top guy” in yeshiva. The guy every one asks their questions to. And now I’m letting that slip. 
The right compromise?
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