It is 4:21am. Where did the time go? How did I let this happen to me? 

First, let us rewind over 6 weeks ago. My friend was visiting me, and was staying in my room on a mattress on the floor. I had a fall 2 weeks prior, but I figured with my friend in the room, I would be fine. Boy was I wrong. A few days into his stay, at around 1am I had a fall(I'm specifically not going into details, so I don't trigger other strugglers)- with my friend in the room(how could I ). As a result, I decided to start taking my sobriety more seriously, and had my friend put a passcode for the browser on my phone. Additionally, I put a filter on my computer, and gave the password to another friend (big mistake- wish I hadn't known the password. My sobriety was going well, with the exception of some shaking before bed as my lust tried to win. I did not let it win for 48 days (I am very proud of this). 
Now let's fast forward to erev tisha bav. I had to take the subway after school to my apartment. Unfortunately, the subway was packed, and I was triggered. I frantically gulped my water bottle down and prayed to Gd to get me off this subway ASAP. Oy vey! Going in to tisha b'av feeling lustful was terrible. I stayed up late at night watching holocaust films to try to get the lust away. It somewhat worked. Then came the day. I thought a new day would bring new fortunes, but boy was I WRONG. I felt like such garbage feeling this way as we said Kinos about the destruction of our holy temple, and holy city of Jerusalem. As the day went on, the feelings started to fade a little. This may have been the worst tisha b'av of my life. Despite my intense feelings of lust, I made it through tisha b'av.
After breaking my fast, and staying up doing work, I decided to get ready for bed. For some reason my lust just overcame me. I started unlocking all my computer restrictions, and everything just spiraled downward from there. I thought maybe releasing my tension would help, and I don't know if it did or not. Regardless, four hours later I lay in bed writing this (nearing 5am) in the hopes of finding some sort of peace with myself and Hashem. 
I don't believe my behavior was acceptable, but I certainly don't hate myself for what I did. I am only human, and I fought hard over these past nearly 7 weeks. I hope that this is my rock bottom that will act as my foundation to build myself back up. All I ask is to be close to my Creator and Father in Heaven. I love Him, and hope and pray that He will forgive me for this. I will be doing everything that I can to better myself starting from this moment, and B'ezrat Hashem until forever.

As strange as this sounds, there is quite a liberating feeling from writing this out and sharing it with my fellow strugglers. May you all continue to fight your battles, and WIN.  

Im not saying you are an addict nor am i saying that you must do the 12 steps..
However here is some insights from a program that works.

1.
12 & 12 Step Two, p.27  
To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and practice the rest of A.A.'s program as enthusiastically as I could.

2.
Big Book: Working With Others, p.103  
Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything.

3.
Big Book: Into Action, p.84  
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol.

4.
Big Book: Into Action, p.85  
We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.

Despite my streak saying 2 days (I haven't updated it yet)- today is DAY 21! Although they haven't been the easiest 21 days, I know that these 21 days are mine forever. I feel a great sense of pride. I feel that this could be the beginning of a new life. I believe it takes 21 days to break an old habit, and then your brain begins to rewire itself (I may be mistaken, but I think I read this somewhere). Overall, I'm happy with the current course of things. I hope with the onset of Elul, I will find myself only furthering my teshuva process. May it be Hashem's will that I continue to fight my yetzer hara, and WIN. I hope to check back in at day 40 as well to share some more of my journey.
Until then, I wish the best to you all! 

hopeguy51 wrote on 23 Aug 2017 18:24:

You have a lot to be proud of. With Hashem's help you will continue and iyh have continued success.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 23 Aug 2017 22:42:

Not sure about others, but after analyzing myself here's my cycle: jealous, calm, proud, lustful, trigger happy, the end!

Proud is something I try to avoid. Usually not successful though.