By a "world of growing in the positive direction" it sounds to me that it doesn't have to do directly with the addiction rather it has to do with self improvement in our lives which can be achieved through musar and since I didn't work on my ego and gaining enough healthy habits  5 years ago these defects  become a trigger today in my addictive life.

ok, if that's correct, but after we invited in our addiction in our lives, isn't there a dipper need in us that needs to be filled?

I really dont want to get into a hashgafic back and forth but in my understanding, mussar cant help me. I am not a person when i am lusting, masturbating etc. It is not a normal sex drive for me. Mussar cant help me in that state. First i need to learn how to become a healthy person and then mussar can help me. Derech eretz kadman l'Torah. First i need to learn derech eretz. 

Thats where the 12 steps have come into my life. 

Thanks for taking ur time to respond to my thoughts my situation.

I'm missing something overhere if u can please define it, now it can very be that I'm not explaining myself well enough (it is hard for me to express myself in writing).

the state were I currently find myself is, that when i walk in the street and there is a woman which is jogging I don't lust after her, 
in my day to day situation I function through out my day w/o thinking of p* 
i enjoy the daily activities that I'm involved in, full stop! 
Now my question is completely technical, I'm asking is my living a normal life as mentioned above called recovery? Or for recovery purposes do i need to better myself, it may be being more honest with myself, or not getting angry at others (and I can give a few more examples were I struggle with basic human values) is that the meaning to of recovery (derech eretz)? 

(The only way how I understand how to better myself will be through using torah values and I'm not saying that torah is primarily derech eretz but torah (musar, chasidus) can teach us to be better people)

I am an addict, i am powerless over lust. I am allergic. I cant control it. I have tried but it makes my life unmanageable. I escape and escape. I need recovery and thats where the 12 steps come in for me. It sounds like you feel you arent an addict and thats fine. So therefore what i have been talking to you about wouldnt apply. You have a problem with porn and therefore a filter and some mussar should suffice (i think, haha i am not an addict) For me, i tried many different ways to stop, but i could not. I needed more. I needed a whole shift in thinking, a whole attitude change. I am a sick person getting well. Not a healthy person with a porn problem.

Hi chevreh good evening, I hope all is well with everyone.



what just happened with me is something weird but this is how it goes, my phone has a filter so I can't go on shmutz but recently I got access to a friend of mines phone for a couple of days (he's with me and he uses his phone), and he doesn't have a filter on his phone, I'm not compelled to go on shmutz sites but a got the tickle.

i had a talk with myself and I told myself that I'm really! Powerless over p* and if i tell myself that I don't want it since it harms me, that I become a zombie, that I'll go wild for the next few days, I'll just fall flat on my face, so I feel that for the first time I really feel that i the great I I I who until today I thought that I have control over my life, I just don't! But now what, so I turned to hashem and told him the HE HE HE should take over control of me with the tools that he created me with and take over this particular field.



I think to myself who is this GOD that I never knew but I guess that it's left for me to be seen.



A gute nacht. 



Ps. When my friend will leave in the next couple of days I'll update my chart so ull be able to see if i fell, hopefully not, odaat.

Shkoyach! Well done for surrendering. In my experience calling another program member is also important to get me out of my head and into the light. 

I hear you, ur definitely right in regards to urself, can be for me too, I'm just not ready enough for that yet and by saying so I mean it in 1) I'll feel awkward opening up to someone knew, who I don't really know 2) currently I don't feel the need for it. 
If in one day i see that I'm not succeeding to contral my thoughts my lust, I'll feel the need for it and by then I guess I won't feel that awkward since there will be the need for it.

Bh I'm doing good lately but I have had a couple of dreams.... Although only one of them was wet, I'm coming to think that maybe it's an indication of my subconscious 

Hi chevreh, 
I didn't post in a while, bh since life is running normally w/o having lust interfere/corrupt  too much.

i would like to say thank you hashem and to all (everyone) those that posted on my thread and help me with this nisayon, it's a life long nisayon but i feel the battlefield completely changed for me, it's not about how many sober days I have, it's about living in the present, it's about being real with oneself, being real with other, being honest w urself and when you answer to someone, not shying away from the truth, and this has changed me in a couple of areas in life.

i owe this to all of u, it's not what i was able to achieve on my own.

in particularly to this nisayon I feel that by venting  and sharing my thoughts of how this nisayon is haunting me and slowly destroying my life, by doing so, i feel that as if half of the nisayon has drifted away, so I would like to say thank you again. 

I'm not done with the nisayon and there's work to be done but I don't know how regularly I'll be posting so I just wanted to say thank you מקירות ליבי! 


Ps. I fellow the forum daily/weekly and share with the pain and the real achievements (שמחת החיים).

Fell shmel... Moving on forward 

this fall is a whole lot different from the previous falls after being connected to guy, it's a lot less intense, I know what's going on in side of me, what caused it and what i did wrong by not using the tools that I gained from gye, with hashems help I'll get right back to life and sobriety.

ill right down all the details for my fall in a day or 2 it will iyh definitely help me and with hashems help maybe others too.

We gotta continue to daven (not to forget the daily kapital:)) and move forward.

Just a small insight that i had on this nisayon:
Bh there's well over 100 days clean since I first connected to guy which makes it 50 times more than my falls and if you can't the hours there's even more than 50 times, so the good and the positive definitely has the upper hand u just gotta follow the rules of the game.

i still want to write about my previous falls but I first want to make sure I'm out of the hazard zone...

Michael, you have developed a healthy attitude and perspective which will iyh help your recovery. So much of this challenge is actually in our brain, not our body. Its chevra like you who stay connected and keep posting that get better. Hatzlocha.

I just wanted to say thank you hashem for today and for the past! And for the unknown future!
and for the chevre! 
The chachomim say that there's 3 shutfim beodom, thinking of this nisayon and the strength to overcome it u guys are definitely a part of it.

Just wanted to say hi:hand:

i almost fell today and got myself before that happened.
it's kinda funny, i don't have a strong urge to watch porn, on the other hand i tell myself big deal just play with ur phone and Google a few names and take a little peek here and there on Google images and suddenly woops down i go....4:39am and tomorrow at work I can't think straight, so it continues until i get out of the mess.

what help not to fall was 1 to reactivate my filter and what gave me the strength to do so was probably the fact that I told myself that I can't afford running my next week and loosing some $$ and off course 

have a great night and I'm thankful I can catch a few restful hours of sleep which i was just to close of wasting and with stuff that just destroy every part of my mind and is self abusive.

I would like to get in touch with someone who I can speak to in a weekly basis, the purpose will be to be able to see how the week went by in general in regards to this nisayon, to share different tools that works for us, in time when the urge rises we'll be able to speak it through and to be a support

I'm not a sa member and wouldn't appreciate someone who believes that that's the only route that can be taken to recovery.

I'm in the est time zone and any time past 6:30pm i can make it work, so to I prefer someone who's in US 

if someone who read my thread and can help it would be greatly appreciated if you send me a pm and I'll send you my email address.