And by the way, a REAL asken cannot be a REAL sex addict, for a REAL asken cares about others and a REAL sex addict cares only about himself.

You're right. I'm not sure where I'm REAL 

Everyone here has had this "two lives" issue. Many of us (myself included) are in prominent positions and people's "hair would stand up" if "they knew". Part of the beauty of GYE is that we start to realize how many normal, erlich,intelligent people are suffering. Many of us thought we were the only hypocrite, the only rasha, the only loser. Now we see we were/are a choleh or someone really nice who needs serious help with a specific yetzer hora. We learn new ways of looking at ourselves and are given tools to work with that better our lives in general. We become more honest in many aspects of our lives and specifically in our relationship with our spouses, and the Ribono Shel Olam. We start living one life and deal with the issues that one life presents us with.

Kleen4real,are you for REAL??

i can talk for myself!! I have a nice long beard with looooong payis, wife and kids a masmid avoed hashem, chinyokish ( if you know what that means)..... Talk about living a double standard!!! Oh and by the way I'm in my thirties! That's a lot of double standard!  Hair would stand up is a understatement!!

But those days are over,for the last two years there are indeviduals who I have shared with them in person what my struggles are so now when they see me they respect me even more then before though I at times feel like a shmuck when I see them (all in my head of course).

When we start being honest we shed the double standard,  

I believe when you have that first rrushof honesty and you open up to someone safe you will be reborn, it will be hard but I am giving my full chizuk for this!!

Sounds like you are ready for it, hatzlacha

tiger wrote on 24 Mar 2017 13:32:

Sharing with people here on the forums or with people you know? and how did you do it?

tiger wrote on 24 Mar 2017 13:32:

It hurts me to see you beating yourself for what you term a "double standard".  You see, we all have double standards, even the guys with decades of sobriety.  Whenever we fall short of our ideals, we have a double standard. When someone knows that anger is not a good thing but he get angry, he's living a double standard. When he knows that ideally he shouldn't be mevatel Torah for even one minute, but he does, that's a double standard.  And just because he's sexually sober, it doesn't mean that he's not living a double standard in some areas of his life.  So unless we can somehow achieve perfection where we're always living according to our ideals 100%, then we're all living a double standard our whole life.  So you see, living a double standard is unavoidable, and beating ourselves for having a "double standard" is both counterproductive and dangerous.  It means that we're always going to find something to beat ourselves up about and be doomed to pretty miserable life as a result.  So the reason for getting sober is not to shed the "double standard", but rather because we need to live and be productive and we can't do either without sobriety.  So lets work towards sobriety and not worry about this so called "double standard", both in ourselves and in others. Hatzlachoh tzaddik, you're on the path.

cordnoy wrote on 24 Mar 2017 12:02:

Woah, speak for yourself tzaddik. I really don't think things are so black and white.  I know plenty of REAL sex addicts (however you define that) that very much care for others. Granted, their need for the next fix when lusting can sometimes trump other peoples needs, but to say they "only care about themselves" is very harsh and extreme.  There's so much harsh judgment and self criticism in these programs, even on this site. Lighten up guys! Let the love shine lol.

workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 15:16:

I saw this differently, that he meant to give me Chizzuk that I'm not a real addict. 

workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 15:16:

II am light.

I am a REAL sex addict.

I am an asken who cares about himself.

Kleen4real wrote on 24 Mar 2017 14:40:

In my case it meant sharing with my rebbe, I did it after I had a big fall and just decided to spill the beans.

Kleen, in your thread you have brought out the best in all of us .  Besides posting on the forums it is very very advisable to speak to real people. You can be anonymous on the phone with a google voice number. When (and if) you are ready, meeting in person is invaluable. Start with the phone. Develop trust for good solid helpful people and then move on if and when you are ready. For some, the phone is enough - but dont decide that now. 

workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 15:06:

I appriciate your good words and you are saying good, but this is your job!!! My job is to realize that yes anger is bad news but I don't have a problem with anger to the point where I am a nutjob at home and in shul I am the sweetest guy, that would be a double standard! So yes everybody has midis do work on but it is those midos that are out of control and you need to take serious steps on your part to recover therapy 12 steps etc. Thats what I mean double standard.

But thanks anyway!

And also I agree with CORDS, that I am a selfish brat and only want what's good for me!!!. Oh and btw did I ever tell you that I am the nicest guy:) I mean it

A

I would hope you care about yourself, if you don't who will? Maybe try and be dan lekaf zchus on yourself and you might see that you're not completely selfish, and probably never were. Things are never so black and white, despite what our addictive black and white thinking mind tells us. Nobody's all selfish, nobody's all righteous. We're all a beautiful mix of grey, the worst addict included. Please don't speak lashon harrah about yourself :-) Also, being a sex addict is a defense mechanism, not an identity.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Mar 2017 12:50:

I like that you didn't say we manage to merge our two lives and live bishleimus because that goal seems far away.
The way your post reads to me is that we start accepting ourselves, the good and the bad, and try to move the needle on the bad.
Is that what you meant?