Hi – I’m in my thirties and struggle with masturbation. I have a lot of anxiety and masturbation helps me relax.   I don’t look at porn to get turned from other sexual arousing content and use a filter to guard myself.  When looking around on GYE website I’m bothered by something and maybe some of you can help me with  this. This whole idea of being “clean” is disturbing to me.  When discussing these issues with a rebbe of mine he said that being mz’l is an avaira like speaking losho hara or other serious avairos. What is this idea of being clean specifically by this issue? It makes sense not to look at porn or arousing materials for 90 days.. but for me personally at least, it would be damaging to try to be clean and not be mz'l for 90 days even if I could make it.. We should try our best but to have a goal of 90 days, fine and to punish yourself  seems a bit extreme and maybe damaging.  If I’ve misunderstood this 90 day thing please let me know.  I chas ve’shalom don’t want to stop anyone from doing something which is helpful to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These are only my feeling on the matter. Please totally disregard what I've said if it's offensive to you. Thanks!

I don't understand the question and most probably won't know the answer. But I wish you much hatzlacha on however you decide to address your masterbation problem. Stick around! 

Those of us who are tring to reach 90 days aren't doing so because our lives are so full that we would just like to add conquering an addiction (or strong habit) to it! Life sucks! Your comments show that you obviously either a. don't really suffer from an large and compulsive amount of masturbation and porn. b. You're living in denial regarding your own condition. You can decide which one is right.

Hatzacha

Yiddisheguy wrote on 15 Jul 2016 02:29:

Sorry but I don't understand what your Rebbe was trying to say?

90 isn't our goal, it's only one of our tools to break free.
If eating Pizza twice a day helps you to stop masturbation then that's your tool
90 had helped for many, and it might help you too. but you first need to sincerely want to stop.
Best wishes

 

I had very similar thoughts as you (op), and that is why I never really tried to get clean. I believed mzl was just something my body needed to function, like food and sleep. I didn't think much else of it, or about its destructive nature. This was from age 12 to 32. In yeshiva, out, single, married... So for 20 years, I let my guf control me, to avoid "punishing" my body. I also relied on third source hetterim from rabbanim who said it wasn't so bad bec if someone is single
he needs an outlet. Yet once married, the addiction continued. (I never knew it was an addiction til recently).

However, having given a concerted effort to work on it, I now think it is different than lashon hara in that it relates to the kedusha of the bris. I don't view it as simply another mitzvah. I view it as a daily spiritual exercise in self control. I view it as if I am mzl, I am cutting a strong cord between me and hashem. I also feel that it forces me to be subservient to hashem since it's such a hard thing, so I need hashem to help me in times when a strong yetzer hara arises, and also, I feel closer to my wife and kids and it forces me not to be "independent" of my wife. I used to come home after being mzl, didn't want to look at my wife. Didn't need her. I took care of it on my own. Wasn't good for our marriage. I imagine it must effect shalom bayis. In a sense it takes away from the wife, from what she does, which strengthens the marital bond. (If this wife isn't interested, that's still not an excuse, it's possible, bec of the vicious cycle, she's not interested now, but she will be...)

The amount of Ha'naah I would get through mzl is much less then the Ha'naah I get knowing I'm a gibbor. Also, when it is time for tashmish, the Ha'naah is amazing. So for me at least, from a purely olam hazehdika cheshbon,  by being a gibbor, my olam hazeh and ha'nnaah from it is greater, though it is true, that I can't decide exactly when and where and how to get that Ha'naah - but overall. For me I find it to be cathartic and I wonder if this is unique to me or if others (maybe you?- if you decide to try it) also concur with this.

It is possible to be clean, and is not
As much torture as you may think. Read the guidebook.  Yes, here and there it is hard, but it gets easier especially after the first few weeks. I'm clean 23 days, and it feels great to be in control of myself, and I see hashem's help throughout this process and by being clean. I also see hashem's guidance in other parts of my life. I feel like a  mentsch and a man. And this high carries over to other aspects of my life. Professionally, etc. working to conquer this has actually helped me realize that I control my own destiny and I have seen a lot of hatzlacha in parnassah. I feel I have a clearer mind and can make better decisions in my work. I have made decisions that have made me a lot of money, bec I have faith in myself and I have seen it pay off. I also have faith that since I'm doing ratzon hashem. That hashem is not going to make me lose out. Does t make sense hashem would punish me bec I am trying be'emssen to do his will? No way. 

Using mzl to relieve anxiety and to relax is exactly the problem. It's a recurring cycle that will go on for decades, if not tended to. Why would it be damaging to you to see if you can conquer your yetzer hara for 90 days? It may be a good exercise in self control.