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Re: New member - Colin 21 Aug 2022 22:43 #384993

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Fell after 252 days clean.

I failed to see the warning signs, so did not do anything to avoid the fall.
It hit me suddenly, but the build up had been there for a month or so.
I just failed to recognise the build up to the fall.

All the elements of HALT hit at once:

Hungry

Angry - I was very upset with how someone had treated me.

Lonely - I hadn't seen anyone in three days, and yet another evening passed without friends being round. They all cancelled arrangements.

Tired - I was so tired. I went to bed exhausted and woke up so very tired. 

It's a recipe for a fall and it happened, even after all these year of being supposed to be aware of the dangers.
I failed to put them together and realise just how at risk I was.
I really have to be nicer to myself.

Mindfulness has really helped me avoid falls, but tonight I was in so much emotional pain that I simply didn't have my wits about me to use it.
I forgot Hashem entirely and just sought a quick fix, the spiritual junk food of falling.

I just davened Tikkun Klali.
Last Edit: 22 Aug 2022 22:29 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 22 Aug 2022 13:24 #385024

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Hey ColinColin,
Sorry to hear about your fall. You are a real inspiration here, and we know that you will pick right back up and keep on trucking!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: New member - Colin 23 Aug 2022 00:51 #385051

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The hardest thing after a fall is getting right back up. For me after I fall I feel like, well, while I'm down let me take a day or two and enjoy this shmutz (only a day or two, because after that I start to hate it)
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: New member - Colin 23 Aug 2022 10:34 #385058

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That is so very true. After a fall and you are back to day 1, why not just stay down here for a while? It is only after day three do I consider it making progress; if I can get to day 5, then it gets much easier for a while. The Yetzer is very crafty. Today is day one again for me, and I was already thinking that way.

Re: New member - Colin 24 Aug 2022 00:36 #385090

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Thank you Kavey, Hakolhevel, Captain and Hopeful 2022.

I agree.

The week or so after a fall is very dangerous.

The Yetzer Hara definitely says, "You fell, so what does it matter if you fall again? You should enjoy yourself because it's not as if you have anything to lose. Your clean streak is gone anyway."

I have to be very much on my guard.
Last Edit: 24 Aug 2022 00:37 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 24 Aug 2022 02:55 #385097

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It takes a lot of courage to post about a fall after so many days. You have always been an inspiration for us and your sharing the fall and will to move on is inspiring as well. May Hashem help you move forward and upward.  More important, realize that you are continuing your count from 252 days up the mountain, not from the base.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: New member - Colin 24 Aug 2022 16:06 #385111

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On the positive side it's also easier becuase A the  pain and guilt is fresh B If you do stop right after, you feel like it's not a complete fall, you did stop it while it was hard

Re: New member - Colin 24 Aug 2022 21:00 #385129

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Thank you @HashemHelpMe and @retrych

When I am next tempted to fall, I must daven for help.

Of all the techniques that exist to help us, that is the one most likely to be forgotten when temptation strikes.

But it is the ultimate help.

Re: New member - Colin 30 Aug 2022 00:51 #385274

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Toughest since falling.
A day of stumbles.

First time I ever I asked Hashem for help.
I was so gone I couldn't even say anything, so they were silent prayers.
But eventually with His help I stopped stumbling and regained my footing.

There was a trigger.

The fall 9 days ago was caused by an emotional upset, the end of a relationship.
Last night I received further information about this, and it was upsetting information.

So I was weakened today, more likely to fall.
Last Edit: 01 Sep 2022 00:33 by ColinColin.

Re: New member - Colin 30 Aug 2022 01:41 #385278

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dont give up hashem imchu!!

Re: New member - Colin 30 Aug 2022 16:14 #385308

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Think of it as a redo of nine days ago. That you tried, and now you're going to try harder, new techniques, just get through the right now, whatever it takes.

Re: New member - Colin 31 Aug 2022 14:42 #385356

I feel you bro !! Experiencing similar stuff lately. One of the things that help me is focusing on the great feeling of satisfaction on those days where i developed a streak, like day 9.The choice now is,   I can comfort my self by staying down OR i can refrain and get to that great feeling of day 9 success and then day 10 , 20 , 100 etc. We all know that its more pleasurable to hold out and wait for the greater feeling. 
On the topic of Tfillah, the ultimate technique, I had a very interesting experience. 
I was in a real funk, dwelling  in my failures very far from even thinking about digging out. Although I had barely been davening at all, one day it struck me in the middle of shmoneh esrei, I really have no strength to battle and get better but why not ask Hashem maybe he will help. So i said like one short line before taking 3 steps back. " Its all up to YOU, help me try. It felt almost worthless because I felt so awash in sin and embarrassed to speak to Hashem, just mumbled one line. That day my challenges were just a bit easier, i didn't even remember that i davened about it, I succeeded. This was so unusual at the time that i remembered it in the morning. I said "thanks Hashem, dido". Was still to embarrassed to talk to Hashem too much. Little by little the success bore more success and my thanks to Hashem expanded to full requests in my tfillos. I think the full realization how helpless i was ( BTW Step 1of 12) and the depth of my failure caused me try one last feeble try. I think this was real faith and desperation. Hashem said NOW ,  I will help you a little. With a little help and boost, i started seeing things in a whole new light. I was positive and eager to succeed.  Tfillah is key !!

Re: New member - Colin 01 Sep 2022 00:37 #385376

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Thank you @retych @hopeless and @qualitystuff

Very interesting what you write about this being a redo of the test last week.

So true how asking Hashem for help is the sign of desperation, but also a very positive and logical thing to do.

Sometimes we go through a lot, try different techniques and just "cannot see the wood for the trees."

Then for some reason we find the most logical answer
Last Edit: 01 Sep 2022 00:38 by ColinColin.
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