I had my wedding 8 months ago and B'H marriage is great, I really feel that I'm growing as a person. However there is one issue that I find impossible to tackle come what may.
To put it bluntly I still cant help checking out every women that passes. Of course I have moments when I'm misgaber and control a 'double take' but I mostly find it a struggle to overcome looking twice.

Furthermore, its hard to admit this, but if I was alone in front of an unfiltered internet it would be a matter of time before I fell in to my desires.

It is extremely frustrating as I feel that shmiras aiynayim is pulling my marriage back from going further as I'm always comparing my wife to other women.

Its not that I don't find my wife attractive, B'h I am attracted to her and enjoy being in her company.

The problem isn't a new one of mine I still looked at every girl that passed when I was a bochur, I knew I was doing a terrible thing but I felt that marriage would solve my issues.
But how naive I was!! Marriage is not a hospital, its not a cure for ones negative traits aderaba in these inyonim its harder as you have a wife to compare to other women.

My wish is to build up a resistance, a strong resistance against what the yetzer hora tries to accomplish.

And ultimately I want to achieve what chazal say, that ones wife should be the only girl in the world.

Many thanks for your time and I hope together with Hashems help and GYE, i can overcome this challenge.

Mi ke'amcha Yisroel!!

Best regards,

Here 2 improve

Welcome

Hatzlachah on your valiant journey.
Chazal say so? I thought it was Rihanna.

lol your funny.

Actually the zohar actually says that the point of sheno reshoina is to be so much with your wife that every other girl by the end of the year will look like a monkey compared to you wife.

A high level indeed but a level to strive towards nonetheless.

I was speaking to a renowned mashgiach recently and he recommended I read the book 'Windows of the soul' by R' Zvi Miller.

Has anyone read this book??

Hello H2 and welcome to the club.

I have found that the way to not take that second look is to avoid the first look. I work on turning my head and fixing my gaze at some inanimate object when a female approaches my field of vision. Sometimes I just need to close my eyes.

It's not easy. Looking at women is a precious pleasure.
Unfortunately, it's also the gateway to much worse.

I do enjoy looking at mutar beauty much more when my eyes are clean.

Wishing you much success.
That was a great first post. Lots of honesty.
Hope to hear much more from you.

do you feel that this is an issue of tayvah or is it something more then that?

I reckon its just an issue of tayvah gone wild.

What exactly do you mean by more then that?

Hi Alex.

Thanks for your post and concern.

Yes ur 100% right to avoid the first look but the problem starts when she crosses your path inadvertently.

Once you have tasted something you like its soo hard not to have some more.

Alex,

You're not alone. We all struggle some more some less.

( The Slominer Seforim bring a parable from the Russian army who used to rank a soldier by putting him on a wild horse who definitely would through the rider off.
The soldier was then ranked according to the speed he would get up although wounded and get back on the horse )

Though you're right it's not a hospital, but I have heard from "Erliche Yid" that one can really only correct things after marriage.

I strongly suggest the following Kabbolah which I'm trying now and works wonders.

Every time you're by a red light fix your eyes on that light until it turns green "Laasos Nachas Ruach L'Yotzri" ( when in motion the images fly by and aren't half as hard to conquer ) This will allow you to build up fences of Kedusha instead of fighting the Satan head on.

Hope this helps.

Betterc

Thank you Betterc for your post.

A good aitza.

However still need a bit of a stronger plan....there is a limit to how long i can stare at a red light for. Plus the problem still remains regarding if a women strays my path it is difficult to avoid the double take.

Here 2 improve.

betterc wrote:


One can correct things even beforehand.

Here 2 improve wrote:


The more I exercise my mental muscles to avoid a first look, and certainly a second look, the less I end up taking a first look even when something crosses my path. If I do catch a glimpse, I have made it a habit to make my eyes bounce off the image and fix my gaze elsewhere, before I can fully take in the image. Or I simply close my eyes. When driving, if there's someone walking on the sidewalk, I will turn my head and gaze as far to the other side as is safe.

I'm talking about ACTIVE shmiras eynayim. Taking the offense is the best defense.

Here 2 improve wrote:


i meant that do you feel it's at the level of addiction and that you are powerless...

@shlomo24

Am i addicted to staring at women?
I dont think so, i wouldn't call it an addiction....But on the other hand i'm not sure maybe it is.

Please define addiction.

Listen to R shayas Taub's shuir from last nite what addiction is. Its somewhere on this site.

If you are not addicted so then whats the problem? Its an issue like every other mitzva just it lurkes at us even more. So learn the shomer emuniam's sefarim.

Hi Everyone,

Today is a beautiful day as usual in yerushalayim ir hakoidesh. BH I managed to control myself significantly better on the way to kolel all thanks to the tips of my beloved brothers, most notably @AlexEliezer and @BetteC.......Many many thanks for your wonderful tips.

I was speaking to a renowned mashgiach about this inyan and I will share with the oilam some fantastic advice that he shared with me (paragraph starting 'we need to go to a brain gym' is an awesome practical tip). Enjoy the read....

תכלית הבריאה לקדש שם שמים בחדרי חדרים

1. the fact that you struggle with this , doesn’t mean you are not normal !

2. this week I actually spoke on the general topic of shmiras hamachshovah, R Mattisyohu shlita once explained that since no one can see what is happening in our minds, we have never received any training on this. but in actual fact a person’s mind has a shut off valve, we can only think of one thing at a time and it can be easier to control than our actions!. He said that this is spitz malchyus as it is the only place which is only privy to Hashem and me. Any other actions we do, are normally not private as other people can see. Simply put, one is being mamlich hkbh over oneself !



We need to go to a Brain Gym, and begin to exercise ones concentrating muscles. Start with concentrating on learning and on pieces of tefillah whilst davening.

Trying not to think of Hippo, is the surest way to immediately bring one to mind. It is only by substituting positive thoughts, that one can get control in this area and be liberated from the shackles of invading thoughts.

The רמב''ם writes at the end of פרק כב הל איסורי ביאה



יח אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב העם לפרוש אלא מן העריות והביאות האסורות, אמרו חכמים בשעה שנצטוו ישראל על העריות בכו וקבלו מצוה זו בתרעומות ובכיה שנאמר בוכה למשפחותיו על עסקי משפחות. יט ואמרו חכמים גזל ועריות נפשו של אדם מתאוה להן ומחמדתן, ואין אתה מוצא קהל בכל זמן וזמן שאין בהן פרוצין בעריות וביאות אסורות, [ועוד] אמרו חכמים רוב בגזל מיעוט בעריות והכל באבק לשון הרע.

כ לפיכך ראוי לו לאדם לכוף יצרו בדבר זה ולהרגיל עצמו בקדושה יתירה ובמחשבה טהורה ובדעה נכונה כדי להנצל מהן, ויזהר מן הייחוד שהוא הגורם הגדול, גדולי החכמים היו אומרים לתלמידיהם הזהרו בי מפני בתי הזהרו בי מפני כלתי, כדי ללמד לתלמידיהם שלא יתביישו מדבר זה ויתרחקו מן הייחוד.

כא וכן ינהוג להתרחק מן השחוק ומן השכרות ומדברי עגבים שאלו גורמין גדולים והם מעלות של עריות, ולא ישב בלא אשה שמנהג זה גורם לטהרה יתירה,

גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו ומחשבתו לדברי תורה, וירחיב דעתו בחכמה, שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי מן החכמה, ובחכמה הוא אומר אילת אהבים ויעלת חן דדיה ירווך בכל עת באהבתה תשגה תמיד.

1.dont shmuz to your wife’s friends

2. R Mattisyohu told me that we see from the last line in the rambam that any חכמה will keep out invading thoughts , of course torah thoughts are best, but anything gardening, music, a good novel.

When you travel on a bus or walk on s street – wear a music player download stuff to keep your mind on something else.

The rbsh should give you syta dishmaya and give you continued will to want to battle this natural desire and give you the strength to vanquish the dragon !

With my deepest love and admiration

R' #######