longsleeves wrote:
Incidentally, this worry about masturbation affecting a shidduch is currently plaguing me. Meaning, after refraining for two-and-a-half weeks, I slipped-up and masturbated last night. Additionally, I recently started dating this girl that I kind of like. I am afraid that Hashem will cause the shidduch to fall apart as a result of my negligence with masturbation.
Wow, you reminded me of this part of my addiction that I had forgotten about. I remember feeling so strongly that if I feel Hashem was going to stretch out His hand and punish me. I was so certain of it.
This of course increased my worries, anxieties (I have SAD too) and guilt no end, which hardly helped.
I remember hearing in shmuz that we are not on the level that we can see a direct connection between our aveirohs and the punishment. That level is reserved for tzaddikim gemurim. But I couldn't believe it. I just knew that Hashem was punishing me for my wickedness.
Now I realise that I couldn't control myself anyway. I was and am completely powerless over my addiciton. I can prove that because for years I tried everything in my power to stop acting out and I could not. So I have been forced to accept that I am an addict.
I am not a sinner trying to repent, I am a sick man trying to get well.
That realisation was a total game-changer. It changed my outlook on the problem and it changed my outlook on the solution.
As it happens I got engaged and married even though I was still in my active addiction.
Not that that's relevant. What's relevant for me is the need to work my program one day at a time. I just can't handle huge philosophical conundrums. I need my program to be simple.
I have no idea if any of that is helpful to you, but thank you for being helpful to me.
