My wife caught me, and gave me th ultimatum of seeking help and finding GYE. I would not be more than 90 days clean if I hadn't take both steps. Getting caught should only be the impetus to stop an addiction, as opposed to being the basis for developing strategies how to change your life.

I got really defensive when my wife caught me and confronted me.

I kind of felt like I was intruded upon and backed into a corner.

It had always been MY problem that I felt I had to deal with in my way. And I didn't feel like it was any of my wife's business. I was a good husband and father otherwise, and it was just my way of unwinding.

My wife giving me an ultimatum just made me resentful. I didn't feel like allowing her to manipulate me. If she wanted to leave, I was going to allow her to do so. I wasn't going to be pushed into therapy or 12-step programs.

It wasn't until my wife backed off my case years later, that I decided to join GYE and work on myself.

SIB101854 wrote:


Well said.

But it really seems to me that the ikkar actual "strategy in changing your life" is first and foremost for us to stop all lying and hiding.

Being more 'mugdar b'arayos' or 'shmiras einayim' is all fine and well...but we have all tried that before, and failed. Right? Pretending to ourselves that "Yeah, but this time if I get caught it will be really bad, so now I am finally serious!", is just a game we play. Serious about "fighting harder but still secretly of course"...is serious about nothing, in the end...but more lying.

If we are really serious 'this time', then I suggest people consider finding a safe person to open up all the way with about exactly what we are doing, wanting to do, and have done in the past - without holding anything back for shame c"v - and remaining so on a daily basis without fail, one day at a time.


It takes humility and surrender, but it works for me and for hudreds of others.

Telling the truth and not hiding the past, present and inner struggles, is not all we need to do - but it is the key that opens the door. Keeping on struggling alone is the lock itself. that keeps many of us prisoners.