Greetings, brothers!

I don't know how to start this conversation, but I guess I will say a little about myself. I wasn't born an orthodox family but B"H, got to learn Torah and start doing mitzvot by myself, thanks to internet (it's no joke, kedushat internet! ). Now I do have a rabbi with whom I often study, but this topic of guarding your eyes which should be more mussar than anything else never appeared. I suppose I progressed a little.

Even before knowing about this great site, I already got acquainted with the concept of shmirat habrit. To me it never really made much sense (thought it was exaggeration), because I never felt anything bad happening after a "fall" (which I never considered it).

As it happened though, I began studying and doing mitzvot more. Often, but not always, went to shacharit in the synagogue. But I'm not here to brag about it. What happened then, in my quest for closeness to Hashem, is that all the bad things the yetzer harah does started killing me from the inside. I couldn't pray as well as I used to do when I got to a small streak (1 week, that was a great accomplishment for me). I pronounced words that seemed empty of all kavanah, that I was sure wouldn't be heard. I began to become desensitized, all my mitzvot performance went DOWN. I couldn't get myself to even smile to my parents (which is a form of kibud av va'em), or concentrate on anything.

I found out a few important things: keeping myself tired will protect me from doing bad things in the shower. I mean REALLY TIRED. As I began working on self improvement, I learned that the great tzaddikim could sleep only for 4 or less hours everyday and then it hit me. It's all the Yesod! Pgam haBrit lowers our stamina and destroys us from the inside. I felt this lack of strengh a lot, and that was terrifying! Often I couldn't wake up the time I wanted and missed the time for shema.

But, as we should all know, there's fixing and B"H for that. As the Rambam says, children should start learning Torah Lo Lishmah, and eventually they will come to learn it Lishmah, which is of course the ideal. I do believe shemirat habrit is the same. At least the way I felt it is that, the real love comes AFTER shemirat habrit, where we keep it for Hashem's own sake.

I wish everyone here that you fight the good fight, and become the real strong, "hakovesh et itzro" because I do believe we can all do great things. However you choose to discipline yourself, we are all sure to be able to fight the yetzer harah, with Hashem's help.

thanks for coming in to this site, welcome abroad, shalom!
and thanks for sharing to us your story, which means you are starting to open up and thats part of the refuah.

my fellow brother, keep strong, no matter the situation, you will get sober, and your day starts now, one at a time.

KEEP ON TRUCKING!

Welcome Kedushat Yesod, nice meeting you! Thanks for sharing that background about yourself.

Can you share a little more about what efforts you have made to try to sober up from your lusting issues? What worked, and what didn't?

For me, the heilege concepts of Kedushas Habris and P'gam Habris, etc. are way over my head, and are not going to help me in the "heat of the moment." I just know that when find myself acting out every day, (sometimes multiple times a day), I feel like I have lost control over myself, my willpower to be able to stop myself is shot, and my life is headed down the toilet with nothing that I could do about it. I had months go by when I was in yeshiva, feeling like garbage about my acting out habit, and ended up missing shacharis regularly, not putting energy into my learning, feeling bad about all of the above, and comforting myself with...more acting out! The mussar and everything else didn't do it for me.

In any case, keep on posting! You have a lot of friends here who know what you are going through, and we will all grow together!

Welcome KY!

(say, you don't live anywhere near Bardsville, do you?)

Thanks for joining and sharing.

Hope to get to know you a little better

Welcome KY!

You came to the right place. Here at GYE you can find all sorts of solutions and ideas regarding the issues you are dealing with. Some folks use the Torah/Mussar/Chizzuk approach. Others use the 12-steps/recovery approach. Others use other approaches. Others mix and match as they see fit. Bottom line is that we all are here for the same reason (more or less), but we all need to find what works best for us. So hang around, keep posting, keep reading, and with Hashem's help you'll find what's best for you.

Hatzlacha

MT