I am a single 37 year old man. I have failed in many ways. I have a PhD in Mathematics even though I hate Mathematics. Thus I am unemployed and I doubt I can get a job – I depend on my parents. I do have moderately severe depression and Asperger’s syndrome. I don’t drive and I have no Orthodox synagogue in my area.

To my great shame I do have many sins. I must learn gratitude and love for G-d. I rarely break Sabbath and Holidays since ‘96, but I byte my nails. Fortunately I never use computer or TV on Sabbath but I do rarely break Sabbath to help my grandmother – given her age. I have kosher food but not dishes. Usually I say two Shemas a day, but during my “religious awakenings” – in ‘92, ‘96, ‘03, ‘13 I say two Shemas and three Amidas and a little extra.

I have accepted the fact that I am destined for Gehenna, but I want to avoid the sins leading to ETERNAL GEHENNA. To my horror I found that m. is one of such sins. Just a month ago, I thought that m. was natural and not THAT bad.

For a long time I have been looking at inappropriate magazines and movies from video stores and engaging in that sin about twice a week. I have enough sense not to abuse the computer which does not belong to me.

After I have found out that the sin leads to eternal punishment I have thrown away all my magazine and video collection acquired since ’06. I have been “sober” since October 1, and I hope I do not fall, but who knows?

The longest period I have been “sober” is May ’92 – February 4 ’94. At the end of Janury ’94 my Reformist therapist “explained” that m. is not a severe sin. The very fact that I could stay “sober” at the time my hormones were raging means that I can stay “sober” now. If I needed that release at half my current age, I do not need it now – even though I may want it. My greatest fear is losing interest in beating my addiction and accepting the possibility of ETERNAL GEHENNA.

Taking 75mg/day Effexor for my depression also helps, but the drive is still there. I have read on this forum that Licorice Root reduces the drive and I have obtained it. I have also obtained Valerian – on info from this site.

Finally somebody with a new spin of things, I can't wait to get to know you a bit.

What kind of math?

How many years of therapy did you do for your depression?

Welcome! Welcome dear rabbi 76
SURE YOU CAN! Read this
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
so first of all you got to the right place!
When you start the battle against the yetzer hora - כִּי תֵצֵא לַמִּלְחָמָה עַל אֹיְבֶיךָ
Rule no. 1# is, you must know that - וּנְתָנוֹ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ בְּיָדֶךָ !!!
There is no question about it! with the right help and remembering that
)שבע יפול צדיק וקם ( משלי כד
thats it for now, to be continued by the crowd
Be well, loved friend!

>> Welcome dear rabbi 76

Thank you -- but I am not a rabbi. I am a Rasha -- I say a small part of my prayers and keep few positive commandments. That is my sin.

My libido is not nearly what it was when I was half my current age. My behavior is not different from an average Conservative Jew. The worst part of my "addiction" is that like most semiobservant Jews I had no motivation even for a minor effort to stop until I have learned the weight of this sin.

>> How many years of therapy did you do for your depression?

Since '94.

I have heard of people being in therapy for depression for 20 years and then they finally find the right therapy and they get better in six months. How many different doctors have you had, and what kind of therapy was it?

Would you consider working from home on your computer?

I do not know. I dislike Mathematics with passion. Everyone who works with me finds that out. Thus, I have no chance of finding a good job.

Give me an example of how someone found this out.

Wow, ok, I need to say this. YOU ARE NOT A RASHA!!!!! Whoever told you that is wrong. Just wrong. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot. Plus you're serving Hashem in a very real way, because you want to do it. The gemoroh says it doesn't matter if you do a little or you do a lot as long as you intend to do it for the sake of heaven.

Reading what you wrote there is no way you're not doing things for the sake of heaven and that is amazing.

Don't be discouraged, you're doing great! Hashem loves you. Hashem is proud of you.

Keep up the good work and good luck in staying sober today. One day at a time, that's all you need.

Welcome!

Sorry you're so full of self-loathing.
It's kind of self-fulfilling.

You can break the cycle with forced positivity.
Positive self-talk, positive action.
You simply can't be depressed when your mind is brimming with positive words and thoughts. (Read Feeling Good by David Burns for how-to. It has saved me from the throes of depression many a time.)
Take control where you can (exercise, eating habits, study).

A happy man is a man who is growing.

I don't know much about Gehennim.
I do know about hell on earth.
Being out of control of myself, my thoughts, my sexual acting out; hiding from reality by cuddling up with imaginary naked girlfriends, that's hell on earth.
Because hell is emptiness. Lack of G-d. In fact, our sages teach us that the essense of Gehennim is simply not feeling the presence of G-d.

In active addiction, I had that in THIS world.

In recovery, I have started reconnecting to G-d.

Your move bro.

alex

>> Wow, ok, I need to say this. YOU ARE NOT A RASHA!!!!! Whoever told you
>> that is wrong. Just wrong. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot.

Thank you very much. In every aspect of my life I lived like an average Conservative Jew (except for brief awakenings '92-'93, '96, '03, '13). My level of sexual sin -- possession of several inappropriate magazines and videos and acting out twice a week is normal for a single Conservative Jewish man my age. Constant tale baring and playing computer games which contain Avoda Zara is also "normal".

Now I want to move closer to Orthodox standards.

>> I do know about hell on earth.
>> Being out of control of myself, my thoughts, my sexual acting out;

One of the worst sins committed by non-Orthodox Jews is that we sin not due to an irresistible urge, but due to unwillingness to experience even a relatively small inconvenience in serving G-d.

I do not know if I can adopt an Orthodox lifestyle, but I hope to avoid the worst sins such as m. and to become "Conservadox".

Do you know if you are a Jew according to Jewish law?

This free download may help you decide what kind of Jew you want to be.

animaamin.org/news/free-10-hour-download/

>> Do you know if you are a Jew according to Jewish law?

Definitely I am Jewish.