Something I've been pondering after a recent fall...

After giving in to lust, I feel an intense sense of shame and regret. I feel like a hypocrite - I learn, daven, hold myself out to be a shtark person, and I just did this? But objectively, I'm not any less of a hypocrite when I fail to live up to the Torah ideals in any other number of ways, i.e. spacing out during davening, giving into ta'avah when it comes to food, being jealous that my friend has X but I don't. So why is it that davka lust gives me this horrible, disgusting feeling of hypocrisy? Mah nishtanah?

Hypocrite?

To answer your question:

When it comes to things like spacing out during davening, getting angry, getting jealous, or whatever else, it's a lot easier to view it as not such a terrible thing, because we are desensitized to it. These things are very commonplace and we often see others guilty of the same thing.

With our issue, it is more intimate by nature. People are usually very careful not to display what they do or don't do in this regard. Therefore, it is much more shocking to the system. We know so strongly that we shouldn't be doing these kinds of things, and are much more sensitive to it.

I think it's because you consider it very serious. You feel the way you think. It's what you think about it.

in this observation that somebody ones pointed out to me, there may be the key answer to your question.

in shilchon aruch orech chaim 231 the mechaber writes about the concept of doing earthly things leshem shamayim. by eating, drinking, and sleeping, he writes if you do it for pleasure it is not "praiseworthy", however by physical relations with ones wife he writes, if it is done for pleasure it is "megunah", which translates to "disgusting", or something close to that. what i think the mechaber is pointing to is that daas torah relates to these things as worse then others. moreover it carries with it a guilt and a shame if it is not done the right way.

now another point. even in the secular world it is not excepted public behavior to watch inappropriate things, especially for people held in higher regard like if you serve in public office etc. so there is a deep human feeling that acting out is not moral.

Here is a question in response to yours.

Why is it that we act out soooooo privately and secretly? Even on this forum many of us hide behind usernames. I did too for a long time. When I first started posting on GYE a few years I enjoyed the secrecy and hiding on GYE too. Basically anything to do with sex was mine and i did not want to share it.

The answer to me is that I identified so strongly with lust, it made me feel good, it validated me, it soothed me, it took away my fears, it gave me an escape from dealing with life ............

Now when the "me" who acted out, meets the other "me" who strongly identifies with learning Torah, da'avening and avodas HaShem, an internal conflict begins. (To deal with that I often just acted out again!)

Yes, I care about speaking lashan hora, Shabbo and everything else, but i don't lock myself in a room to do these avairos!

Here is a question in response to yours.

Why is it that we act out soooooo privately and secretly? Even on this forum many of us hide behind usernames. I did too for a long time. When I first started posting on GYE a few years I enjoyed the secrecy and hiding on GYE too. Basically anything to do with sex was mine and i did not want to share it.

The answer to me is that I identified so strongly with lust, it made me feel good, it validated me, it soothed me, it took away my fears, it gave me an escape from dealing with life ............

Now when the "me" who acted out, meets the other "me" who strong

I would add another thought (one mentioned in the Handbook)
this is an area where the inner essence of a person and a Jew is defined
both on a Kabbalistic level (which I dont profess to understand)
and on a moral-human level
it touches deep inside the human psyche because it deals with a very basic nature of man and his almost G-d-like capability of bringing new life into Creation
ask the therapists - doesnt this failing bring up tears?
if we caught a child of ours with a dirty magazine, wouldnt we be shaken to the core?
I cant speak for others, but thats the way I see it

but the good side of this is, when we overcome an urge
we have something great to hold on to
an accomplishment of the highest order...

It might be that a life defined by Kedusha means that the area of physical intimacy is reserved for a married man and wife-anything else is a subsitute and R"L destructive force.