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im new here... some thoghts 24 Jan 2013 21:52 #201332

hi everyone, i just recently signed up on GYE. i'm a yeshiva bochur who unfortunately has abused the internet as an escape from life. iv'e given myself the 'i'll never do this again' speech more times than i can count. Hashem doesnt give up on us and he's guided me to people who understood and had tools to offer. since signing on to GYE when i'm on line (i work online) i make sure i have GYE open while im working. one day at a time.
some chizuk that has helped me that i'd like to share
my GYE name is nitzotz eloki, the G-dly spark. iv'e learned that the yetzer hora's real job is not to get us down but to keep us down. after falling iv'e had feelings of 'it's not worth it to get up. i'm not worth it to get up' so i try and remind myself that my essence is G-dly and nothing can change that.
a friend of mine recently shared something with me that he heard at a farbrengen. the Rabbi was talking to a group of teens. he asked them to imagine what would happen if one day G-d forbid they didn't have access to Tfillin and five minutes before shkia someone brought them a pair, they would be ecstatic. we have a mitzva from the Torah of 'Velo sasuru acharei levavchen veacharei eineichem' if a forbidden thought pops into our head or there is temptation to look where we shouldn't we now have the opportunity to be mekayeim a mitzva of Hashem. we shouldn't let the the possibility of the thought depress us but rejoice in overcoming it.
a big yasher koach to the people who made this site possible and to fellows who are tring to do Hashems will 'chazak vematz'
i used to look back all the time saying "oh no! what have i done! Hashem help me erase the past." and i never heard a response.
finally i started looking forward saying "Hashem i'm leaving the past to you and i'm forgetting all about it. help me have a good future. help me from here and on be the person You want me to be." and that's where i realized Hashem had been waiting to help me all along

Re: im new here... some thoghts 25 Jan 2013 22:56 #201412

  • AlexEliezer
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Welcome!

As someone who became addicted long before the internet came along, I would say that I abused myself, specifically, my ability to become sexually excited, as a way to escape life.

The way out centered on stopping all forms of inappropriate stimulation of this aspect of my mind and body. Specifically, I needed to learn to guard my eyes aggressively by not looking at ANY women except my immediate family unless absolutely necessary. Not in pictures, not in tznius clothes, not their faces and not their anything.

Then I needed to learn to guard my mind against the incessant fantasies and images I learned to "love." For this, I learned to bring Hashem into the battle, as practiced by those with a proven track record for recovery. I developed a little tefilla, based on the first 3 of the 12 steps to recovery, and I would say it (still do, and I'm sober almost 4 years) whenever a thought would attempt to land. Dozens of times a day at first. I internalized the message of what I was saying, and began to live it. Here's the tefilla --

Ribono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don’t want to lust. I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah (and appropriate attraction and interaction with my wife). I surrender my lust to you. Please take my lust.

Doing this can get you sober, meaning off the lust drug. Then you can work on recovery, which involves working on the character flaws which led to and perpetuate the addiction.

Hatzlocha!
Alex
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