Hi, my name is Aryeh. I am single and currently learning in yeshiva and doing college at the same time. Ever since I hit puberty I have struggled with looking at devarim issurim. At first it was just watching r rated movies and tv shows but when I got to 9th grade I discovered porn. I would mast at least once a day to porn. I always had the tevuh to hang out with girls but I always told myself I was better than that. In my mind porn wasn't as bad as hanging out with girls. In 12th Grade I finally started to fight it but it kept coming back. When I went to Israel for Beis Medrish one of the reasons I went was to escape the internet. I went through a whole elul without mast and I was so proud of myself. All it took was one slip up of shmiras eynayim and it broke the spell. The rest of the year in Israel mast was a weekly to biweekly occurrence. I didn't have access to porn but I would fantasize about anything and it would get me going. When I came home for peasch my addiction to porn kicked in again and ever since I have been on and off fighting it. There are periods where I can go a couple of weeks and then mast three times in a day. Or I can go two days yes two days no.

I installed covenant eyes and k9 on my computer and got rid of internet on my iPhone but I can always find a way to access porn. I even admitted to my parents that I watch/watched porn but I don't think they realized my full addiction. They tried getting me a psychologist who I still see but even though he is helping I still find myself falling. I agreed to see the psychologist because I didn't want to have a problem with this when I got marriedand end up not only ruining my life but my future spouse and children lives as well.

The psychologist helped me see two things. One this is going to be a long and hard fight and two, I objectify women as sex objects.It is hard for me to walk in the street and see a woman and not judge her by her looks and if I would,pardon my language, do her and how it would be done.

I really want to get rid of this addiction but I do not know if I am ready to give up YouTube, tv shows, and movies. Reading other peoples post has give me great chizuk. I would say I want things to be normal agin but I don't think I know know what normal is.

Thank you,
Aryeh

Dear Aryeh

Welcome on board. I hope you find the help you are looking for.

While everyone's story is unique, the patterns are very similiar.

I have found that i have to be willing to go to any length for my recovery. Its hard, but the rewards i get in recovery far outweigh anything i have had to give up.

Hatslocho Raboh

Moish

welcome to gye. I'm also new here but its already getting better.You definitely came to the right place.Try the 90 day chart,when the tayvah hits it helps me knowing that if i give in then i'm exchanging all my clean days for pleasure that is only momentary and that i'll regret later on.

good luck

Welcome Aryeh,

We are all here struggling with a sex/lust adiction inone way or another. This is the place where you will find chizuk from people who are struggling along side you.

check out this thread for your "welcome packet" guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/101129-Welcome-Package-for-Newcomers

Eli

I have the same thing, every woman I look at, I straight away picture "us" doing it... Did he give you any advise how to over come it ? What it might come from ?

in a nutshell he said it comes from watching porn. Since porn is a selfish pleasure (just you and not anybody else) you begin thinking that sex is the same way and every woman becomes a fantasy. Recently, What has worked for me is thinking how the fantasy would never happen, For example if she is married i try thinking that she is in love with her husband and wouldnt throw it away for me. Or maybe she is too tall or i tell myself she is in shidduchim and wouldnt ruin her life for a one night stand for me. Hope this helps

The important thing is to really decide that you are going to beat this and then keep fighting. No matter what happens, remember that you can't give in.
Use the 90 day chart and remind yourself that it gets easier. That is something which has worked for me and others. The way the Y"H works is the more you feed him the hungrier he gets. The more you starve him the weaker he gets.

you say you can't get rid of youtubve,tv, etc.why not try this: start with a small step.and move on from there.it could be a very small step.and you can be on that step for a long time.i'll only tell you 2 things: never give up on yourself, and i mean never; and 2 - dont go it alone - you need group support.there is much more, but these 2 i found are the most crucial.

aryeh wrote:


Awesome! You are being honest. Without honesty your gonna have a rough almost impossible time beating those demons.

I wasn't honest about what I was ready to do and was very frustrated and and mad at myself for many years.

The question is not will you give up youtube/movies etc while actively struggling with a movie playing in front of you. The question is: Are you willing to take the steps necessary in advance to prevent yourself from falling.

This will not take the desire for lust away. You will need to deal with that as well, honestly; but you can't begin your path to sobriety with your drug at arms reach.

Be honest with yourself. Really.

Eli

(I don't know why I used the semi colon in the last sentence. It just seemed right.)