I think you would benefit from consulting a very, very smart person, frankly. It's a pity you can't safely bring it up with the wife as 'just a crazy feeling' you have...far be it from me to imagine I know any better that you how your own wife would probably respond to this! So...if you can't open up to her without damaging their relationship, then at least you know one thing (I hope): if your relationship with SIL were c"v to escalate in a bad direction, you would certainly then be ready to sacrifice their relationship for your marriage, right? I assume 'chayecho kodmin' sits well with you. No?

OK. So now, what do do. At the least 1- pray for SIL regularly. 2- Ask your G-d for guidance and hatzlocha even if you are not to have clear guidance in this matter. 3- Try to get advice from a very smart, discreet, and safe person who knows your family and some of the 'facts on the ground'. And 4- please explain to me that the heck you meant by this really interesting sounding question:


Thanks!

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Wow. You are obsessiong and have a pattern of some kind, yes - but do you really feel you are an addict? If you do, it's up to you - and meetings are available in your neighborhood and out of it. I can probably connect you with a good person in your area to talk w/about meetings there.

But what I wrote above stands: Please speak with someone you trust to keep a secret who knows some facts on the ground and can advise you about whether and how to speak with your wife abt the issue, given that it could hurt her relationship with her sister and the family.

In the meantime, maybe your biggest immediate problem may be the obsessing itself. The lust habit may indeed be there as you describe and will need to be faced, but you may not need SA to help you with that. But more immediately, even if you do decide to go to SA meetings just to see if it is for you - why do you need to talk to your wife about the SIL before checking out meetings in person? Either way you can go if you feel you need more serenity about the issue and more freedom from the temptation to use the internet itself. I see no need to invoke your SIL problem with the wife in order to get a 'heter' from her to go.

Finally, is there any way for you to take a real, geographic 'vacation' from this SIL and from thinking about her for a week or so (or more)? It will not solve any problems, but might help your head get a bit cleared from the obsession and worry about her. Then the lust issue may be easier to face.

Hatzlocha!

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