Hey all,
Today's the first day of my 90 days and hopefully of my life. Living with this problem isn't living at all. This first-day-business shouldn't be so dramatic, though, because I'm pretty sure I've read here that every day's a first day; you just have to take it one day at a time.
So a brief background:
My problem began mentally during the summer of the ninth grade. The external causes might have been boredom and isolation and the internal cause was probably a lack of daily Torah studying. Soon it became obsessive and I wasn't able to break free despite my desires to. By the end of the tenth grade, I was mz"l.
Thirty days free fell down to a week over time in the eleventh grade. I found out how bad the averah is from briskodesh.com and eventually found my way here. I read a lot, made a bunch of fences, went to the mikvah but nothing really took the problem away for long. I was really just avoiding doing teshuvah through covering the problem up externally. Very slowly, the issue had an effect on my love for Torah and hashkafah. It just creeps in that way. By the end of the eleventh grade, shmirat ha'anyaim became a problem through Google search.
Time has passed. I have set up filters. Starting the 12 steps and shaarai teshuvah. Will try to access these forums for chizuk. I hope to make it through this with you guys. I really miss that happy guy who used to have a relationship with H", who used to enjoy learning Torah above all else, who used to accomplish things and make people proud. I want to get out of this abyss more than anything in the world.
Let's do this.
--Kadosh2626
