You are describing lust. Religious lust. It is just as poisonous for an addict like me as porn or sex lust. Maybe it is wonderful for you, but I have come to see that it makes me silly, selfish, and scared.

The yo-yo of "take me back!!" and the tremendous feeling of closeness and connectedness with Hashem when we are scratching and fighting our way 'back' to Him after lusting and masturbating our brains out for a while, is exhilirating. And sick.

It's as sick as we would view any abusive marriage where there is terrific sexuality going on - between weekly hateful beatings. This is common in abusive relationships. Even in some parenting relationships - abuse followed by extra closeness and forgiving, presents, baseball games, real love - and finally more abuse...

That is not Teshuvah. Yes, it's a high, and yes it's religious. But it is not Yiddishkeit. It is a personal invention using religious and Torah concepts and neshoma-dikeh faculties we posses. But it leads nowhere good.

Until I came to see that and was ready to let go of the highs and deveikus - for the sake of accepting a calm, but real relationship with G-d - the cycle you describe persisted.

The truth obviously is that Hashem loves you to pieces while you are on your knees in the bathroom masturbating yourself to the porn goddess you are worshipping. We do worship them, that's why they have all that incredible power - we give it to them. And He does love us and care for us....that's why many people get sober, clean, whatever you want to call it. He starts to arrangements that draw us into our recovery while we are having sex with ourselves. He makes it drive us crazy - so that we will desperately want help. He makes our lives (as the fakers we are) a misery - so miserable that we will finally be driven to accept the help that we really need.

It's the tochacho. And it is all His love.

Does this make sense to you, chaver?

If not, fine. But if it does, then what are you ready to do about it - not tomorrow or this week - but today?