I'm no stranger to the problem this forum addresses. I've been struggling since the mid nineties when the Web was launched. Unfortunately the combination of being tech savy and not being ready to do what I can to stay away from the schmutz was not a good combination.


I jumped on the 90 day journey a few days down the path of success.

It's hard to believe (really now...) that the day after Yom Kippur i was not controlling myself and took that last step needed to remove immediate access to schmutz.

I had one loophole that i never closed up to get around the filters, moniterring etc.

i called a friend and told him specifically why i was signing him up as my CE partner and told him to look out for the the following signs in the report. (no im not gonna give anyone else ideas if they haven't thought of them already)

BH so far so good.

I suffered from real physical withdrawal symptoms, nervousness and irritability but I knew to expect them and they went away after a few days.

Gotta keep my eye out for the next pot hole the YH wants me to fall into

I've been to he'll and back with ththis addiction. I would like to think I know every trick that the YH has in his arsenal, but I know deep down that he doesn't run out of tricks.

just gotta do what you can not to be in a makom nisayon and then daven your brains out that hashem protect you from things out of your control.

reallygettingthere wrote on 11 Oct 2012 03:00:


Maskim!

Hatzlacha rabbah -- and welcome aboard!

MT

Crazy stuff, the YH is making all the small(er) nesyonos seem bigger and more difficult.

He want to trip me up on the small stuff and slowly bring me back to mthe gehenom I know too well

I WILL NOT GO WITH YOU, YOU expletive, expletive v'chulu!!!!!!!!!!!

Maskim once again!

Yes, we learn the hard way (by trial and error, again and again) that the seemingly small stuff is really danger in disguise. As we see in this week's Parsha that the "snake" (= YH) can kill a person by a small bite in the foot, which mushrooms and poisons the entire person. The only way to avoid his onslaught is by trampling him in the "head" i.e. in the beginning when the nisayon is still small.

Hatzlacha

MT

great thought. thank you MT

to articulate this a little better.

I find that i am turning away quicker from the the smaller nesyonos but the taavah is building up stronger and stronger. Part of me says your gonna loose anyway why suffer. The other half says at least if you dont look it will be "less" of of your fault if you fall.

I guess it's kind of like the booster rockets on a sapce shuttle (correct me if i'm wrong). the booster rockets are much smaller than the main rocket in the center . You probably wouldn't notice the boosters. But without them the shuttle would make it into space.

The smaller nesyonos are perhaps (one of) the boosters. Maybe if i dont engage the smaller nesyonos, the bigger taavos wont take me off the cliff

Ashrecha!
Fortunate are you-keep climbing there may be falls but keep climbing!

Thanks Lipa.bob

OK I'll say it:

I have a lust addiction that will not fix itself. That makes me an addict.

My brain reacts to lust in a different way from the way a regular brain reacts.

Therefore, I can't do some of the things that other people can do with out hurting myself.

I Dont know why Hashem made me this way, but that's what he did so I am accepting it b'lev shaleim.

If I would make believe that I don't have this problem I will hurt myself and others (like a blind person insisting that he can drive)

I don't want to hurt myself or others , therefore I will do whatever I can do to make sure that i don't trigger mmy addiction

I initially started witting this post as a long list of problems, but i need to change my attitude so I'm gonna write about a few great things that went on in my life

1. I was motivated to get back into the swing of guarding my eyes
2. We got invited out for shabbos (I didn't/don't have money to make shabbos)
3. My employment related major, big-time, gigantic source of stress might be going away
4. Someone said something really really nice to me a few days ago that liftd my spirits and almost made me cry
5. I helped someone make a very useful business contact
6. I am not feeling as stressed out as I was a day ago

i have no doubt that stress was a factor in my acting out. Lijke all drugs it momentarily took me to a place where something took center stage besides my problems.

I think the problem I had during my seventy five day clean streak was that I was trying not to pay attention to my lust which I had left in center stage.

As Dov puts it, i was "white knuckling" it.

Good bye white knuckles, hello white slate

Eli