Hi,
I would like to take out my story, with I don't think it's out of the world but stil it makes my life in my arba amos unbereable.
Since I was 11 years old I starded paying to much attention to women ald developed a easyness talk to them.
Had MZL issues since then, with ocasionally stops, like before ioma pagra vechulu.
Boruch Hashem I got married with a 100% wife and have two kids.
After a year of marriage I began to fall in MZL added to internet videos. ( i stopped a year before datting shiduch)
With ups and downs that lasted months up and a week down ( mainly when my wife is niddah) I'm worried I wont be able to stop.
i tried different ways to stop, like putting tsaddikim pictures in my vice. Not taking it to private. Giving my wife the internet password ( giving a "kosher" excuse for it) notting worked.
My second problem is that, since I'm ( ledaavonenu) easy to talk to women, I work as a melamed in a place with a lot of Moros, and I'm atracted to one (married). Baruch Hashem never happened nothing but I have even dreams with her. I get even confused when She gets in my way.
I know it's stupid but I dont know what to do. I wasnt a easy bochur, even though I never did something crazy... Now its different, I'm a Melamed, Rabby and a father, and I dont want to destroy everithing because of this nonsense.

I think one thing would help, as a lot of us, my wife " growed" a " little" after the babys and that made a lot of influence in my non-shmiras einaim.
What do I have to do to get rid of it????

Help

Ksivo vachassimo toivo leshono toivo umessuko

in general, what you have to do to get rid of it is a LOT of hard work, and i mean HARD, as in extremely difficult.

on the non-general detail level, here's what works for most people like you:

1 - attend groups - either in person or phone

2 - get someone you can speak to about this - someone who understands you and will not judge you

3 - surrender yourself - it could be to G-d and the Torah (didn't work for me) or a person (worked for me). in other words, say to yourself 'what i want is nothing'

4 - after all is said an done, you will be alone when nighttime comes - you're going to have to fight it - sorry, but that's the way i see it - there are no easy ways out of this

I want also to add a problem that i remembered now.
i know that my wife doesnt , as almost all the women, care so much on the phisical, so i have a another averah that became a taava for me, i dont know if i'm aloud to speak about this here, that messed up all my tshmish hamitah.

Replying.
1) where I live, there isno group for those inionim
2) i do tlak to someone that kind of understand me and told me about this web site.
3) what means surreder? How?
4) the problem isnt only machshovos at night, but every time I see that or that woman.
I dont seek a easy way out, but one that works for real. I dont want to be like those moshav zkeinim that looks to all women. I have to grow up, but HOW?

Thanks for the attention

different people will tell you different things, but for me surrender means you sublimate yourself to a being (could be Hashem if that works) that you feel knows more than you about this.it could be the janitor, the plumber, etc anyone that you feel that you want to listen to in these inyanim.and make yourself as nothing and them as everything.for me, it was r 'guard, and elya k., in the beginning at least.

Get a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. I am not wasting my breath to explain to you why. If you have the zechus you'll pick it up and read it every day, and maybe you'll start to see what you are doing wrong.

I have re-read my previous message and I think it sounds hostile. I apologize.

There is a great lesson for me which I can learn from Feeling Good, namely that I cannot set myself as a goal to save other people, but only to try to save them. I can influence, but I can never control. Setting an unattainable goal is a guarantee of failure, which will create bad feelings.

please dont be overwhelmed - everyone is trying to give you their idea of what works for them. this is actually a good thing, because not all addicts are alike and what works for one will not work for another.you take what seems to fit you.if it doesn't, try something else.here's more of what worked for me;
i dont like to call myself sick - it is not helpful or useful in my struggle - i dont care if it's true or not - it just doesn't help me improve.
you can't do it alone - the pull of a strong habit (addiction) is more powerful than ANYTHING - including the Torah, G-d (they are both the same thing) or anything.therefore, the only way to get anywhere is by making yourself small (both literally and figuratively).you can't fight addiction head-on - you will lose.say to yourself 'my need to act out is nothing - i WILL listen to someone else who knows better than me - for no reason at all'. because NO REASONS WORK!
jack

Gye770,

Welcome to the forum. I suggest you hang around many different threads on the forum, this way you'll get a more dynamic view of whats going on.

But either way, recovery is no piece of cake, it's more like a piece of fresh bread that can really fill you up with energy and life. But you gotta wash and bench, it's a lotta work. Confining the struggle to one day at a time is a struggle in itself, on the really tough days even one minute at a time is necessary. When lust knocks to daven immediatley to Hashem, begging Him to take it away. I don't fight with my lust, cause I know he's stronger than me. Gotta give it up.

If you want you can check out my thread "charlies change" in "breaking free" where Dov wrote recently an unbelievable post on the basics of recovery.

All the best, brother,

Chaim