Shalom to all young soldiers out there. It's a wounded and hurt one here. I'm 22 and have been fighting in this war for maybe 10 years. Only in the last few years I have been successful and victorious B''H. But not in the last 6-7 months. I was clean for over a year without any form of s**ual tumah. And then I met the isha zarah nakriah. I didn't recognize that then (around January 2012) so we became close. Then we started hanging out as i was telling myself "just keep your mouth shut, hands down, thoughts clean". I was feeling very strong in Hashem and thought to myself nothing can bring me down. So i kept in the same direction. She was chasing me everyday so i started to loosen up more and more. Then in the university i failed one exam for which i was 100% sure i passed. I was angry with Hashem and this failed exam made it look like Hashem let me down for no reason because i did my job to study hard. Not long after that i spent a night with the same isha zara nakriah. The worst didn't happen but was close to happen. Hashem kept me. I said no B''H. But the process had started. I told her we should drift apart. And we did. All she did was drift me away from my only Love, Hashem. And then the yetzer hara became stonger than ever. I couldn't resist it. I fell. Again and again. My strength was gone.

And now 7 months later in choshech i'm struggling to hold on to Hashem but it's harder than ever. It's like my brain shuts down, i go to the computer and forget about everything. After i act out i have no words. Sometimes i can't even cry. I need to go back.

I need You, Borei Olam... Don't let me go. Meoz Chayai Ata... Al tashlicheni... ba choshech... Hashiveni Adonai Eleicha... ve ashuva... ki Ata Adonai Avi.

Support me in my trip back to Hashem, brethren. And may the blessing of Shamaim be upon you. Shalom.

Welcome chaver,

You have come to the right place. Hashem has listened to your prayers and has given you this great opportunity to start fresh. For many people, joining GYE was the turning point in their life. Mark down today's date, for it may become, with Hashem's help, the day that your life changed from choshech to ohr. Read the GYE handbook and see where you fit in and what steps you need to take to begin the lifelong journey towards recovery.

Hatzlacha

MT

What is there to add to MT's beautiful welcome?
I too, wish to welcome you in the name of the entire GYE Mishpacha.

As I read your story I started to cry you made it a whole year and your so lucky I never was tested like that I can't imagine what it was like but hashem loves you so much or else you would never get such a test. The Sefer meshivas nefesh he brings down that sometimes when a person never sins he thinks he is righteous but chas vishalom if he sins he realizes his lowness and becomes humble.

My own idea idk if it's brought down is that like you know in video games u can play on easy hard and medium if u do well on easy u get bored after a while no challenge u made it to a new level. So on that level u have to struggle bc ur on a new level yetzer hara can use more tricks that wasn't a simple test and u made it longer than I ever did. Just please try for me and just when u see immodesty spit at it say I am living the good and real life their the fakers. Not that ur living the lie. Ur a prince and ur holy their ugly and disgusting. By spitting u equate their immodesty as low. Not as awesome and amazing. In kabbala they say to do this bc when u have bad thoughts it goes down from ur brain to below if u spit u stop the process so to speak. I heard it from a friend. But try it it helps sme getting out of the gutter I love you my holy brother and keep me posted how ur doing for better or for worse I am here for u

The problem with the exam is a known cognitive distortion called "personalization." Basically you are telling yourself that you failed the exam because of some problem with you (perhaps because you know you have not been behaving and you think this is payback.)

The reason this is not good is that you do not know this connection with certainty, and as you do this more often you are going to start blaming G-d for arbitrary things. What if G-d was actually giving you more time before sending you a warning, and you just failed the exam because you are not studying because of your sweetheart? Do you see how you cannot be certain?

What if your attributing your failure was off base and you were so crushed you gave up and lied down before the yetzer ha-ra? Do you still think it's a good idea to personalize events?

Note that I don't mean to say that personalization is never correct, because sometimes it is, but you have to think at it carefully to try to substantiate it, and in the end you still cannot act as if you are 100% sure. It also depends greatly on one's level of Torah, I think.

There are oher well-known cognitive distortions, for example

All or nothing thinking
Magnification
Mind reading
...

You should read "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It will help you take control of your mind.

This forum is just what i'm looking for. Getting stronger every day! I love it!

Machshovo Tova and TehillimZugger, thank you, mishpacha, for your warm welcome i so much needed.
Ez Streak, my brother, what to say... i feel so good having this support. Now even if i miss the daily chizuk it won't be such a pity, for your post did the job to get me up on my feet. Fortunately, i read the daily chizuk while still in bed before i got up. I love you too, brother, i pray for your heart to be filled with G-d's Torah, so that way only good things will happen.

nederman, toda raba for your detailed analysis. You're right. I blamed G-d for my failed exam. I was angry and thought He gave up on me. Now when i look back, i see it was all a test. This world is full of tests. But i failed the most important ones. One failed exam made me angry and i accussed Tatte... I should've never done that... But you know what happened next? I took the same exam again and spent less time in preparation and did less tasks and... i got an A. I thought to myself this is impossible, but is there something impossible for HKB''H... Now i beg Hashem to forgive me and to restore me back to Him so i would be restored... I got the book, i'll start reading it asap.

One other thing to add to my testimony... i love basketball and this is one of my ways to rely on Hashem and to get closer to Him. 45 days ago while i was playing basketball with friends i landed in a inverted position with my right foot and injured a bone. Doctors said i need to be with plastic cast for 30 days. I was so scared of Hashem i didn't even think about shmutz again. For about a month. Then i fell again... yetzer hara is the most persistant thing i've ever battled with. I need Hashem now. Please be with me, give me just one more mile, just one more smile. Day by day.

ברוך אדני יום יום יעמס לנו הא-ל ישועתנו סלה

Shalom Alecha, dear reb Yid!
Ashrecha on the time you were able to stay clean.

And yea, I know the feeling you were referring to (that you can't even cry) very well.
Chazzak veematz.
keep on updating us.
and keep on reading recovery material




Strange. What was the hava amina?

Shalom RT,
thank you for your support! it's so cool to have fellow Jews in unity against the yetzer hara. Well, my first thought was "let me just see where this could lead to. let me just try it." Classic. But i was thinking to myself i'll be alright and dodge every obstacle. Plus she looked like she needed me and was happy with me just talking and sharing. It all started with innocent conversations! So watch out, chaverim, most dangerous things come little by little and people may not notice how things can grow and take uncontrollable forms. I was a fool to trust her and now i beg Hashem to forgive me...

The "funny" thing is that i'll have a serious Shmirat Einayim journey as i'll start my final year in the university with her in my group. I hope i make it. It's more dangerous for me to stay home alone, not so much out in the streets or university.

Much love to "all y'all"

1.oy wey, how easy the yetzer gets us.
2.dont they all look that way. or efshar say better, dont we want to see that they look like the would need us ?

KOT (keep on trucking)- and yea, we love ya 2

You're right, RT. i was blind to not see where things were going... it could be worse. i'm glad i'm here. Thank You Adonai.

Your so special just thought of fighting is so holy to the have the test is even holier your being tested on how. UVh u love god vs girls can u imagine every time u pass open so many gates to hashem it's The Best time to daven is then for everything. This world is one huge work out gym to test mind body and soul for not one sec from dusk to dawn when ur awake ur tested in all sorts of ways if u say to hashem I want emu ah sometimes u get tested in emunah if u want fear u get tested in areas of fear when u fail so u don't get punished u failed u have to talk to your teacher and explain I had a hard time I wasn't prepared whatever our teacher is so forgiving but if u don't talk to the teacher and u don't come back to the teacher for a reason why u messed up then the teacher can't help u. I know one day ull make it through just have patience don't be so hard on urself just love urself ur holy and u love hashem and I love u. Be well holy brother:)))))))))))

Wow don't let me go,

That's really something to stand up to a live talking girl and say no. I would never have made it. Or more correctly, I would have needed a way bigger miracle from Hashem.

I very much respect your attitude that the strength to stand up strong is not inside us and it only can be done with Hashem's help. Stick around and listen, this is the basic tennet of true recovery - to give up the battle to Hashem,

All the best!!!!!!!

Chaim

EZ, thank you brother, you're a great encouragement! Thanks for your words!
Chaim, i'm sure you would've done the same! You're just saying this because you're not in that situation, but i believe the greater the test, the greater the Chesed. Hashem's miracles are what saves us, His intervention in any situation. Thanks, i'll stick around, i'll listen. I'm here to stay, so i could learn and never go back. Because there's nothing to go back to.

I love you guys this awesome everyone have a wonderful shabbas be well and happy.

Guys, i have wonderful news. What's been happening with me is that G-d found me a job and not only i put bread on the table now but i have been clean for 24 days and counting! Baruch HASHEM Elokeinu Melech Haolam! Tzaddik Hashem bechol drachav vechassid be chol maasav! I know that the war isnt over yet but i feel like HASHEM and i are on the same team now, i feel closer to Him. Exactly what i need... In His holiness no harm can be done to me. No sin, no darkness, no death. Barechi nafshi et Adonai! Keep me in your tfilot brothers, we all share one goal - our common Geula. Meheira!

Blessings and shalom!