Ok. So here's my story. From what I can recall I've been into sexuality all my life starting from very young, even before I knew what sex was.... I just knew women were something different/special. I am from a regular yeshivish home "in-town" and I knew that what ever it was with women, it's a secret to be kept. I filled my mind with thoughts of women. I didn't know what mastubation was. As I got older i started to mature and realize more things, I always had the wrong friends and knew my parents, may the be well, didn't approve of them and they had told me, I should've listened. I would've been much better off no doubt.
When I got into 7th grade I met a guy that dropped out of high school he appeared nice, but apparently was rotten to the core, he decided that I was easy prey, I was as I had a very sweet smile and always liked to impress ppl. So I became friends with him and my father warned me to stay away. I regret very much not heeding his advice.
The guy made as if he was nice to me giving me things, allowing me to drive/stare his car... I was naive I had NO idea of the concept of homosexuality/gay. He used me, and abused me.(though not to the fullest extent). As I mentioned I had no idea what he was doing, I just knew that he let me drive...... Then he would tell me to get out of the car he needed to make a call, in retrospect it was no call rather I assume he needed to clean him self up, then one day he grabbed my hand and forced me to touch him"there" then he placed his glove ontop of himself I said what are you doing he said nothing. I left his car never ever to talk or look at him again. Though I cursed the day I met him, but still knew nothing of what he was doing or the concept of gay. This was around age 11 or 12.
then one shabbos afternoon I woke up from my nap and I was just pushing myself up and down on my bed and then something came out. I panicked bc I had no idea what it was. I almost fainted. But I didn't tell my parents because I just was scared, I don't know why. Either way I was very frightened I wanted to call a dr. Guess its better I didn't. Or maybe I should have. Anyway, so I stayed away from that guy. But was still very into girls. As a matter of fact I started hating guys in a certain sense.
I still had friends from class that were into sex,girls. Although il admit that what ever form of sex I knew it was still nothing, I didn't know about semen..... I looked at porn if I was able to I flirted with my neighbors and almost every night while sleeping, I had "Kerri". I knew it was related to sex....
Then as I got older I found out what semen was. And on 17th of Tammuz when I was in 11th grade after finding a very detailed science book, and it described sex in detail did I attempt to masturbate, realizing it's something that can be done with out a woman, I got into mas... and it was a spiral down hill from there. I was very scared but the more I did it, the more I ignored the inner feeling of pain, of lying to the world.
On the outside I was a good bachur in yeshiva and had very good group of friends. But to myself I was total trash. I was a lost soul. There were times that I almost blurted out to my parents that, I'm not who u think I am, rather I'm a real bum. It went on for a couple years. And when the guilt got to unbearable I would stop for couple days and then right back to the Shmutz, by now I was mas.. Every day... And watching porn whenever I could. I started to text chat groups and formed virtual relations all undercover, I told no one. (Especially after the story I mentioned about the guy and me hating men, I could never discuss sexuality with men, I still can't).
I tried stopping many times though I always kept the "sheretz" in close proximity just in case. Until I even had a physical realation with a girl. Trust me I felt like real garbage I hope no one feels that. I vowed to stop........ But nothing. I just fell more and more. Until i found a local goyish girl, flirted with her and "hit home base" twice. That was it it was too much. I am shidduch age. I knew I had to stop it all. I was just sick with guilt. I don't remember how, but Hashem got me to sign up to gye email I got them and still falling but then one night, while at a wedding and reading the email it hit me, I stated to tear and I said that's it, I texted the girl just bc I knew she would, if I don't text her. I said goodby as I have found a Jewish date.(I didn't really it was just agreed upon that when I find Jewish date, it will be good bye) Whished her luck. And deleted her number. I never wrote it down for this reason. Since then I have been feeling much better, for the first time in years I davened for real to Hanshem for help. I have installed filters. Yes I still have struggles. But now I want to be clean and stay clean. And as long as I leave it to Hashem and do mine, by davening I feel the heavenly assistance.
To anyone reading this, please don't let yourself fall like I did, the feeling, pain, life of a lie is awefully sickening. It's not worth it!!!!!!!!
Be strong, keep giving and taking chizuk together we will win.
I drove to the goyish girls house to see if she was there, she lives with her parents so I have to be careful. Baruch Hashem she wasn't home. I tried getting her number in everyway possible. Hashem saved me. I was so desperate that I sent her a one word email "hey" but she isn't a big emailer so deep down I was hoping she won't get email at least that night. A little later after I took hold of myself I davened hard to Hashem that she don't reply. Baruch Hashem she hasn't so far. I daven that she don't!!! In a certain sense I feel that Hashem helped that even though I allowed myself to get into a relationship, it was with her, who she told me was always referred to as a prude, and not tech savvy. So minimal email.....
