They say that while you sleep, your yetzer is doing push ups by your bed, always ready to pounce on you.
I like this visual 'cause it reminds me how I am always vulnarable to triggers and lust in general, no matter how long it has been since the last time I acted out.
Mottel

Mottel,

Good Mashul. Thx very true words.

Hatzlacha

I will answer my own question: "Was it the calm before the storm?" YES. My yetzer hara executed perfectly. I had my worst day in weeks. I fell three times in one day. How is that possible? Three reasons:

1) I did exactly what Newbie posted about. I said to myself,"Wow, look at myself. I am in control." and then BAM! I got hit by the 3,000 ton yetzer hara train that flattened me so hard that I now feel like a squeezed out dished rag lying limply on the dirty floor.

2) I went around the k9 filter I set up on my ipad. I don't have access to Safari so I downloaded a different search engine app to fill my urge. It took all of 3 minutes and I had broken the fence I put up.

3) I blew off a phone call. Someone sent me a PM and offered to talk to me. It would've been the first time I spoke to someone on the phone and I blew him off. I don't why? Myabe it has to do with reason one. I felt like I was in control and didnt need the help. WRONG! I need so much more help than I can imagine.

The hardest thing for me is starting all over again. I have to get up in the morning and still be the same person on the outside but inside I feel so ashamed and dirty. I am upset and annoyed with myself. My whole world is shattered and I dont want to care about anything. It manifests itself in many ways. When I am driving I run stop signs as if daring a cop to pull me over and give me a ticket. Give me ticket...see if I care.

oyyyyyyy! I am in so much internal pain and agony. I want to wallow in self pity but I can't because the world goes on around me...

I don't want to end on such a negative note. I will get over this. I will survive. I will break this addiction. Every fall brings me back to GYE and the forum for new ideas, chizuk, and companionship. Hashem Ya'zor.

If you are just not hurting enough yet to talk with a real person on the phone, then I suggest you at least read the White Book (link on GYE somewhere) pieces called, "To the Newcomer". Also, "The Problem".

If you relate, then feel free to share about it here - or not. Whatever U want.

Strugglesincehs wrote on 16 Jul 2012 16:57:


I relate. In active addiction I took risks with myself, my posessions, and sometimes even the safety of others. When we see women as lust objects, we lose our sensitivity to others in general, and we lose respect for our own selves, even our own lives.

Admitting powerlessness means I must avoid this enemy at all costs. Which might mean you can't use your ipad. If you need it for business, power it off as soon as you're finished (not sleep, off)

Keep at it friend, you'll get this done yet.

dov wrote on 16 Jul 2012 17:14:


Also coming soon to a thread near you: HERE