Hi

I'm a married man from a yeshivish background. I have problems with ***n and am finally bringing myself to admit I'm powerless. I've discussed it with several prominent Rabbonim, and they've been very supportive. One example is Harav Noach Orlowek, who had me say Elokai neshama shenasati bi tihora hi, meaning that we can never affect the intrinsic purity of our soul, only the outside. My profile name comes from a time that I was undergoing extreme stress at home, and was starting to get seriously addicted (staying up all night, leading to basically being almost completely nonfunctional.) My main rebbi convinced me to get rid of the internet, and a couple of days later, going through withdrawal I called him and said I felt I had nothing to live for. He answered giborei koach osei divaro lishmoa bkol dvoro - that I should live for that all the suffering is to serve Hashem. This website is full of giborei koach, who's desire is to serve, and help others serve Hashem.

Welcome brother. I also have a big porn problem, which means I spend hours on end watching porn and masturbating. Is this the extent of your problem as well? I'm glad you found us.
Are you subscribed to chizuk emails?
You're in good company here, we are all trying to get well enough to actually attempt serving Hashem.
Make good use of this site and its many tools and Hashem will bring you closer. This has been my experience.
Mottel
Www.guardyoureyes.com/first-time-here I think....

your Rabonim are מלאכים. You are blessed to have such compassionate and understanding great souls supporting you. From this you learn that you have value, that they see the neshama crying to be close to his Father, to be bitul in His Ohr.

This is who you are. You are not the you that you become when you are possessed. You know you are possessed at the moment when you stand outside yourself for an instant while you are buried deep into the porn (and mast?) and see yourself, and feel, "feh! What is this I'm doing?", but you turn away from that insight and give yourself back over to the pleasure. This is our moment of truth. But seeing the bechirah right in front of our minds, as we stand outside ourselves for that moment, for us addicts it not enough for us to stop. We are truly possessed. And we are powerless to stop. On our own.

Be gentle. That's the only nechamah you have right now for the pain of how far you feel from His shelter. But he has sent you these melachim. He's sent you to GYE, a Holy place, filled with understanding and oneg and simcha and chizuk.

But melachim can't make choices for us. And when we are possessed, we are beyond making choices. So we have to be pre-emptive in dealing with the yh. We have to put filters on ALL computers, and electronic devices that have access to the web. We need to continue to be involved with other people on the same path--groups, 12-step or otherwise, etc. The handbooks are filled with the "How to's". But at the end of the day we're left with the bechira. Not to choose to stop. Because we can't. But to choose to do what we can realistically try to do and to ask Him to help us do that little bit. It may be tiny baby steps at first. To make it through one whole day might seem like a huge project. But soon you'll make it for one day. Then comes tomorrow. And one day at a time you become yourself again.

And in this there are no half measures. You're either in or you're out. Then, no fall can take you off the derech. You'll keep at it and keep at it, and you'll get closer and closer to Hashem, and pretty soon you'll just ask Him to run the show because you're just too exhausted and useless and impotent to battle the yh. And it will get less rugged, though my experience is that it still keeps cropping up in ever more sophisticated and sadistic ways. Today I was walking my dog on a trail in the woods, in pain, and nauseated and depressed. And suddenly I'm having a fantasy. It never ends. But it's a journey so worth the taking that your dreams of being a truly tiereh Yid will all come true. That's a promise.

The chizuk is much appreciated, it was a big step for me to reach out and ask for help. I am truly blessed and fortunate to have had such amazing rebbeim. I used to have tons of "wet dreams" but was pretty much able to avoid touching myself. Lately though I've been getting closer... I'm a computer technician and we have two filters, k9 and opendns, but unfortunately I can bypass both of them relatively easily. A server based filter would probably help, but I'm living in someone else's house and can't control the ISP. I can make it more difficult to bypass - if I have to spend an hour working on it, it's a different foght against the yetzer hora. I think the tapshic method will help me - too many times I tell myself I'm just bypassing the filter to watch a "harmless" action movie the next thing I know it's 5:00 am. I have been getting the chizuk emails, but it's not enough for me.

As a fellow techie (but not technician), I suggest Webchaver sent to someone who knows how to read it and knows you personally, on top of the filter. At least they'll know when you haven't touched the internet, and when you uninstall or reinstall it.

Welcome to this wonderful place, and prepare to change your life with hard work.
Hatzlacha!
Meir

Giborei wrote on 22 Jun 2012 16:18:


Welcome chaver!

You're in the right place. Stay with us here and we will all see each other through.

If late night viewing is a major stumbling block for you, your only hope is to commit to staying completely off the computer after ___PM. Shut it down and stay out of the room. If it's a laptop, put it away in a closet. Any reason to power up your computer at night is just a lie directly from the Y"H. Any excuse not to commit to this is just an excuse -- based on fear of letting go of your drug.

Commit to giving up not just p*, but lust itself. That's where true freedom, true living begins. Today you are a prisoner of lust -- sweet, illusory, empty, ungratifying, never satisfied misery. Today you can also begin to free yourself from this misery.

Hatzlocha in your new journey.

Alex

That is something that I know, but actually doing it is harder than it should be. I find that for me, my need for this stuff is tied to a need to escape reality. If I find other escapes that hold my interest I can stay away for awhile, but ultimately it's all short term, I need to reprogram myself to use healthy attitudes to deal with stress. Does anyone have any ideas?

Music?

Check out the Kosher Isle on the main GYE website.

Necessity is the mother of invention. When I had this problem way back, I put everything out of my reach, and I started doing odd things to pass the time, such as learning...
Now I no longer have the option of putting things out of reach, like most people. I create the necessity by wording my taphsic this way, such as :"If I use the computer after 10PM, I will pay $5 to tzedaka, unless it is because of my responsibilities to a person I work for."
When I actually have money, the amount will be higher, no doubt.

Hatzlacha in all your endeavors!
Meir