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I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy)
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TOPIC: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 5158 Views

I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 17 Jun 2012 08:34 #139630

  • titanlooks
Sup everyone? So im finally here and i need help. Since i was 12 ive had a (ill be blunt) masturbation problem. I need help. The longest I can stand is 3 days, but on that 3rd day something snaps and I go CRAZY. Cant explain it.. Any suggestions?

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 17 Jun 2012 20:37 #139659

  • AlexEliezer
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Welcome. The forum is quiet on Sundays, so do check back over the next few days.

Yasher koach for taking up this challenge. There is a simple way to beat this. It does involve some discipline, but not in resisting masturbation. Rather, it is in resisting the things that lead to it. I'm referring to looking at women, whether live, in pics or on TV/videos. Extreme shmiras eynayim is a cornerstone in this battle. Not even a pretty face.

The second area to guard is your mind. Avoid thinking about girls, fantasies, sex. Also avoid thinking about masturbation itself. Whenever such thoughts do come, speak to Hashem in your own language and tell him that you really need his help. Ask him to take these thoughts away from you.

Keep very busy. Have an evening learning seder. Exercise. Play sports. Take up an instrument or other hobby. Stay off the internet. Speaking of which, do you have a porn issue, or just masturbation?

You can do this. By eliminating the stimuli, you will no longer feel like you're going to explode. No one ever exploded from lack of masturbation.

Alex

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 17 Jun 2012 22:28 #139664

  • Dov
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Do you want to live without it?

Really, I mean.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 18 Jun 2012 05:21 #139674

  • titanlooks
i look at porn when im bored but thats not the issue, the thoughts just creep into my head. but like i said before i can last up to the third day, but on the 3rd day im BOMBARDED with images literally i wake up in the middle of the night from it.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 18 Jun 2012 06:36 #139680

  • 1daat
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Yes, I have a suggestion. But you'll have to first mark exactly how long you go before you snap. Is it two days and ten hours, or what? Then, I'd like to suggest you live with the intensity of the bombarding images for 15 minutes more than you've ever been able to. fifteen minutes. Surely you'll give Hashem 15 minutes of your time.

But Dov's question is still on the table. Do you want to live without the images and without masturbating. what would life be like without them? Are you willing to be dull and simple and quiet inside, doing your little avodah in your little corner of the infinite universe? Do you WANT to be clean? And if so, why do you want to be clean? So you won't have the crazyness? so you can think a little more about doing what makes Hashem happy?

Keep posting. just fifteen minutes ought to be a good start.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 18 Jun 2012 15:19 #139702

  • titanlooks
thanks 1daat very helpful, im nearing the third day so i planned tomorow a day full of distractions and sleep overs, so that i wont even think about it..
i can imagine life without it but its just SO hard to stop

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 18 Jun 2012 17:56 #139709

  • AlexEliezer
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You don't have to imagine life without it. You just have to get through today.
One of the Y"H's many tricks is to make us feel overwhelmed.
We can best combat this by taking it one day at a time.
All you'll ever have to get through is the day you're in.
If a whole day sounds like too much, take 1daat's advice -- get through the next 15 minutes. Get through this nisayon.

Regarding the intrusive thoughts that pop up during the night:
Once you have trained yourself to respond to these thoughts during the day with tefillah followed by redirection, you will be able to do the same any time of the day or night.

Sleep-overs are a great idea. Being with real people -- friends, family, chavrusas, is very important in this struggle.

Have a great clean day!

Alex

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 19 Jun 2012 03:04 #139729

  • soldierofhashem
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hey! hopefully by the time you read this you will have another clean day behind you, and if not that just start again right away, because you will hopefully have a full life to live and spend every moment to the max, there is no reason to waist any time dont let anything get in your way and dont say to yourself that this is just a phase and you have time to mature and get over it, but if you want to call it a passing phase call it a past phase and make the best of your time, anything but brain decaying waist of time distructive behavior.

I'm sure you are a great guy with amazing potential, just voicing your problem is proof of that. So get out there in the real world (as far away from the world of fantasy that you can run) and do stuff, take something you love whether a hoby, sports, or musical instrament (or any other examples others mentioned) and be the best at whatever it is, get involved with other people, and better than that get other people involved with you, be a leader, get others to join a team or form a small band where you can practice together, and most of all love life Because Hashem loves you and gave you your life so that you can reach amazing hights and acomplish great things!!

oh and welcome ;D
SOH

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 19 Jun 2012 15:59 #139754

  • Dov
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Again:

Do you really want to live without it today? Or not really. Many of us - and I know it is really many - wish we'd not have the struggle....but what this really means it is that we wish we could just look at naked women once in a while, whenever we really, really feel we goota look...and yet stil not end up having to masturbate.

So then it's really just zera levatola that we are trying to avoid. But we really still expect to be able to keep looking at our sweet porn whenever we want. I am not c"v criticizing you nor anybody! The truth about what we really feel is not a moral or kedusah issue. The facts are just the facts. Hashem recognizes the facts. He is not a fool. Neither should we pretend to be tricked by more self-lying.

Lying is a far bigger problem for us than "kedushas habris", actually. So drop the fear, drop the shame and worry about "chillul Hashem" if the truth is freely admitted.

Go for it. Acceptance is key, here.

So, again...what are you really ready to give up? And what do you really plan to hold onto?
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 19 Jun 2012 16:52 #139756

  • titanlooks
at certain times i feel ready to give it all up, but in the corners of my mind i dont want to get rid of it... im just a confused mess. but deep down i want to live without it so badly

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 19 Jun 2012 18:26 #139762

  • Dov
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If you are ready to give it up for today, then take real, useful action. Action is the only thing that means anything. Have a few numbers of guys in recovery who you can call when you feel like searching or starting to return to your typical pattern that eventually leads to the behaviors you want to be free of today.

Make the calls and do not be ashamed. We are as sick as our secrets.

Just find really safe people, please. Not weirdos who get off on hearing your temptations. Your parents may actually be good for this - or they may not be. Only you know.

I am not the first to suggest this. All AAs, NA's and SA's are encouraged to do this. And Rav Elimelech of Lizhensk zy"a essentiially writes to do just this, in #13 of his Tzet'l Kotton.

Throw out all the porn you have.

Get yourself out of the places that you use to find porn or things you chase after.

Use your friends to help you do it successfully. Admitting the truth to others about your personal challenges is the main tool, for it is the start of self-honesty.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 20 Jun 2012 18:56 #139906

  • obormottel
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Hi
I refrained from commenting untill now because I don't beleive that a teenager with normal teenage tendencies for masturbating and looking at undressed women needs help from GYE's heavy artillary to combat this issue.
So I just want to add a little to what Dov wrote:
1. Don't think too much (or at all) about "never ever" doing this again. You will probably masturbate again in your life time, and there is no reason to stress over it before it actualluy happens. Also, when I was 14, it was the sweetness of orgasm that I couldn't imagine my life without, and there is no need to imagine that, at all: one day you'll get married and in the course of a loving relationship with your wife you'll have "good times" yet.
2. Focus on staying lust-free today, and that means take proactive action today for today's sake. Throw away the porn, chase away fantasy, stay away from bad company and from places which you know may lead you to act out. And find someone to talk to in plain English, someone you can say things like "Hey, Joe, I really feel like masturbating right now. Do you think it's a good idea?"
Which brings me to this most important point:
3. You MUST find someone safe to talk to. Safe not only means that he will not divulge your secret to anyone else or use this secret against you, but most importantly:
someone who will (lovingly) tell you "I think masturbating is a terrible idea. Why don't we play ball instead?" and NOT "Yeah, go for it...can I watch?"
Do you understand?
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 20 Jun 2012 22:25 #139918

  • Happyme0
Just don't do it. "it's a no no no". ....It's will ruin everything, do as much as you can when your young to prevent it because as you get older it will be more difficult trust me... throw away all the porn and all the lust of your mind, "it is there to destroy you seriously" G-d forbid... As your young you have still have a better chance to erase it off your memory don't let it fill up your head. Don't let your friends talk you into it, you'll regret it as you get old... trust G-d that He will help you and be as pure minded as possible. don't fight it forget it and do something else. The Satan will fight really hard and do as much as he can to destroy your pure soul G-d forbid as you are still younger...

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Jun 2012 05:37 #140000

  • obormottel
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Did I say something again?
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Jun 2012 15:29 #140021

  • AlexEliezer
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Thank you Happyme0 for telling it like it is.
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