Hello all,

Before i go into some of my problems, i would like to share with you my background. I come from a non-religious traditional family. We would do kiddush every shabbos or go to shul for the yom tov, but we were not strictly kosher, not observing shabbos etc..... My brothers and I decided to become more religious and more observant and at 10-11 years old, i decided with the help of my older borther to be more religious. At 13/14, we started keeping shabbos, putting tefilin on every morning, eating kosher etc....BUT during my teenage years and young adult years, I have always been torn with how to handle women relationships. I was becoming more and more observant, knew that having sexual relationship with women was strictly forbidden. I was the typical "modern orthodox jew": i would go to shiurim, eat stricly kosher, keep shabbos, etc...... but i would still go out with friends, party and be friends with women.

The problems started in my twenties when I decided that i would not have sexual relationship with women because this was a big sin that I was not ready to commit (although it did happen twice in very spontaneous circumstances,- I was not able to have enough control over to which this day i regret dearly- G-d forgives me). I started finding other ways to compensate for my sexual desires- looking at porn, mast******and MAINLY video chatting with random women. During these chatting sessions, i would say inappropriate things, and ended many times doing other inappropriate things in front of a webcam. This was my way to express my sexual desires without doing THE BIG SIN of having a sexual relationship with a woman. I was chatting on these sites for hours and hours and talking to a lot of women, especially mature women.

When I started dating my future wife, I stopped right away. However, until I got married, I still had this need to mast****, and chat on these websites. I had these desires and inappropriate thoughts that were killing me. I waited a year to get married with my wife (without sexual relationships), and had so many of these sexual and dirty thoughts. The years of looking at porn, chatting etc... were catching up to me. Once I got married, I stopped right away, but as the months went by, i was tempted every couple of months to chat again or look at porn although I HAVE NEVER EVER MAST* SINCE I GOT MARRIED. It was just looking.

It's been a few years now that I keep chatting with random women. Mostly it involves saying inappropriate things and it led a few times with doing inappropriate things in front of a webcam. I can not believe I am married and I can do such a thing. I hate myself so much for it. I keep saying to myself that this is not being a good husband, and I promise myself to not ever do that again, but each time the thoughts come back, and i end up doing it again for a couple weeks and then stopping for a couple of months and then doing it again. This is just crazy the way it happens. I can walk at work and see a woman not dressed properly, and that fuels the bad thoughts and sometimes lead me toward these chatting sites.

So, that is my problem. The past two weeks have been a little harder than before since I started doing it again, and I finally found this website GYE. G-d bless this website and the staff behind it. I am hoping to finally put all that behind me. Sometimes I tell myself that I should just have done what I wanted and needed to do as a young man to get all these fantasies and thoughts out of my head, but I will never be young again and I am married now. I really hope to live this journey of definitely fighting through this and putting this behind me. I see from from the forum so many situations worst than mine that it gives me strength to just think that it could be much worse. But the reality is I need to stop this for the sake of my marriage and my children.

Thank you all.

Welcome, You know no matter how bad it may seem it isnt that bad.You say you didnt mas****** (I have no clue if that was the right amount of stars) since you got married THAT IS GREAT better than alot of people here.You will do fine just kkep on posting it is a great bunch of guys here Good luck and good Shabbos

Welcome. Shabbos is coming so can't take much but enjoy it secure in the knowledge that you now have a place to call home where you can work on solutions to the problem. Hashem loves you. Much hatzlacha.

Welcome, brother,
your struggles are very familiar to great many here. Can we have a nice long talk after Shabbos?
Have a good SHabbos,
Mottel

Welcome :-)
My backround may be a little diffrent, but most of your struggles sound too familiar. you have come to a good place, coming to fight is winning the fight. Read away this forum is full of insperation and information.

baroukh83 wrote on 08 Jun 2012 19:55:


Totally relate. When I was in active addiction, it was the intrusive thoughts that disturbed me the most. Life was good overall, and I had no excuse for indulging in this stuff. But I didn't know how to stop.





Exactly. Little sips of lust fuel the fire and lead to needing more and more.

Your story is very familiar here. The details are different here and there, but the history and pattern are what many of us went through and are going through.

The only way I know of to get off the rollercoaster is to get off the rollercoaster. What I mean is that we need to completely cut off all sources of lustful stimuli. We do our part by aggressively guarding our eyes in all settings. I don't even check out my own wife unless for immediate tachlis. Just her face, and I keep my thoughts in check.

When the thoughts, fantasies, memories, come knocking, I get davening. Here's the tefilla I use. By saying it repeatedly, I have internalized its message:

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife. Take my lust. Please, take my lust.”

I say this tefilla AS SOON as I detect any inappropriate thoughts coming to mind. Early interception is key. I will also say it any time I get the idea that I want to do something inappropriate, like get on the internet for the wrong reasons. My recovery has become the catalyst for an ever-increasing closeness with Hashem. I wish this for you too.

Hatzlocha in your recovery. Keep us posted.

Welcome!

Alex

AE that is a beaut. tefilla.
B 83 how you is? you havent posted and i hope you r fine I am not married and i always wonder how things will change.And i can invision the hate you must have for yourself especially at the times of intimacy I can identify only a little that my Mother May she live long knows about my struggle and when She is hugging me telling me wat a special boy I am I just feel very ashamed.
At times of desperation we sometimes wonder is there a single answer to our problem is there something I can do that will change everything.Especially to people who are new to the fight the main and only ingrediant to stay afloat is to constantly try never to give up to always look for another tool another tool.Our website is only one tool of many albeit one of the more powerful ones there are plenty of other avenues of recovery that we can try the key is to try.
Keep up with us you"ll go even further Good Shabbos