I've tried everything to stop using the internet in sexual ways for years with little success. I had a co-worker of mine go through AA and it made him a new person. So, it's time I started treating this like the addiction it is.

A little background on me:

Male, 27, married and love it, no kids yet, and raised secular with jewish and non jewish family members, however I guess I would call myself traditional conservative. I am the first to embrace judaism in my family in 2 generations. So I was by no means raised in a jewish home.

A little background on my addiction:

I have anxiety and stress problems. 9 years ago I found out that by finding pictures and meeting people on line (never in person) that I got such an adrenaline rush that I would lose focus on my stress and anxiety. Like how an addict uses drugs! It took a long time till I saw the connection, I am an addict hooked on the adrenaline and my medium is internet porn.

I have had sucsess with an accountability program but I have gone through great lengths every few weeks to get around it. Being married helps ( I just adore my wife), I usually don't have time to screw up anymore, but when I do have time I blow it big time.

Well that's it. I'll be around the forum. Thanks everyone!

B"H

well glad you found this website, its really a gr8 place to share our problems and help each other out.
have you begun reading the 12 steps? Step 1 is sooooo important, its really an earth shattering idea(for me at least lol) it can really change your perspective on how to fight this addiction, and pinpoint what you have been doing wrong until know.
Hatzlacha Raba

Wow, me too: married porn addict with kids, from a similar background (I am 3rd or 4th generation of secular jews returning to orth. Judaism).
You're lucky to find this website so young. I suffered concequences of my addiction for a decade longer.
Make good use of all the tools offered here.
Happy sailing/monster-trucking.
Mottel

If you really think you are an addict, then consider reading the SA White Book, starting from the "The Problem", "The Solution", and then on from "Step Zero" through the end of the second step.

If it makes sense to you all the way through, that, then you are probably an addict like I am.

Most of the people here are not addicts, but just guys who like the great way that porn and orgasm makes them feel. And who can blame them for liking that? Certainly not the Ribono shel Olam - He is not oblivious! The addicts are the ones who see that it is making their lives unmanageable in some way - they just cannot continue (for real, and not just more of the familiar self-righteous, religious guilt) - and yet they cannot stop (they try, but continue to fail and slowly get worse over the years).

The extent of what "we did or did not do" (porn, phonesex, hookers, men, chatrooms, or just masturbating in a bathroom and none of those other things, at all) is irrelevant. Completely irrelevant.

Boruch Hashem we have a G-d who knows the truth, is patient and not some wacky vengeful killer as we usually imagine Him to be after we finish masturbating ourselves.

I have not had to masturbate myself for the past 15 years in recovery, working the program one day at a time in my waking, sleeping marriage, fatherhood, learning, davening, walking and working - all imperfectly. And yet sober today. He does have lots of love, patience, and knows the very humble truth about us. Thankfully, it seems that He pays little-to-no attention to all our (initial) religious crying and toiveling and 'fighting' mishega'as....nnd He really is all the awesome things Tehillim claims He is!

I believe I'm an addict... It consumes EVERY drop of free time I have. I've missed work and missed plans because of it. I find that when I feel anxious I get the urge to do it more becuase doing it gives me th feeling of being high, and it takes away all other feelings I might have. I mean, I guess I have it contained to just one source, but it is not gone, and I know if left how it, is it's only a matter of time till it gets OUT OF CONTROL again.

And yes, I have read the 12 steps. I believe I just did #5, and I'm stuck on #6.:/

Welcome KV. I completely relate to your experiences. Porn is my heroin. When I'm at my wits end I want to just roll up my sleeve, inject it and let the feeling of calm wash over me. Unfortunately, like heroin there are some really nasty side-effects such as self-hatred, depression, suicidal thinking and more fun stuff.

For me a 12 Step program has been transformative. I haven't had to resort to my addiction in over 2 years and by the grace of God my life is getting better and better.

Welcome to our community KV!

You've got your work cut out for you but I am sure you can do it.
You will need lots of help from Above, and you will only get it if you ask for it. Constantly.

What practical steps can you take to cut off your access to your drug? Can you switch to a dumbphone or at least get a filter for your current phone? Can you install a filter on your home computer & laptop where only your wife has the password? (You can tell her you've caught yourself going to a few inappropriate sites lately, didn't like it, and want to make sure it doesn't happen again.)

I suspect you will need to join a live group to get and stay sober, although some are able to do it without.

Keep us posted, okay?!

Alex

KV wrote on 05 Jun 2012 19:11:

Read the 12 steps....you mean like, from a book and worked them on your own without another addict in recovery sharing with you how they did it and continue to do it?

I love it.

Which book did you use, chaver?

Oy Dov how true I never thought of it Thanx

JJ

I was doing good till I fell today. There is like a tiny part of me that LIKES doing this. As much as I supress it it comes back stronger than ever and I can't controll it. I know it's coming but I feel like there is nothing I can do.

I have software on my computer that makes it just about impossible to do anything, with one exception that I exploit. I'm just trying to figure out how to tell the person who watches my accountability program that I actualy have a problem and what the problem is.

I guess I'm stuck on step 6 becuase I CAN NOT get rid of this last bit of desire I have to want to screw up. But I guess if I didn't like it I wouldn't be addicted to it. I don't know...

KV wrote on 20 Jun 2012 22:26:


There is a HUGE part of me that likes doing this. He's called My Addict.
Only when I surrender lust itself can I hope to be free.

It's a big change, but it's the only way out.

alexeliezer wrote on 21 Jun 2012 14:47:


This. An addict is also emotionally attached to his dependency. So go one step further, and ask Hashem to help you with that.
"Hashem, you know that I want to desire what You want. But I don't- I want to do what I like. Please help me want to change, as right now I do not feel that way."
This is an excerpt from one of my tefilos. Write your own, it will mean more.

Hatzlacha!
Meir

Your tefillah has a touch of the 1st step inside it.

The most important reason that your tefillah is so beautiful is that it is the truth as you really do see it. Hashem must like honesty far more than He likes listening to us pontificating to ourselves with platitudes, no matter how Torahdik those truths may in fact be.

What is (sadly) true to the presently corrupted form of my present self....is where true addicts need to start. And it is the most precious, beautiful thing we have to offer! So many of us speak to Him holy-sounding drashos about our Nesamos - but He wants our dirtiest, worst secrets. In other words, the truth about what we have been doing. Many of us have been trying to run away from the truth about what we are really doing for years and years...we liked to call it 'Teshuvah'. Maybe even 'Teshuvah Ila'ah'...but not much later, we were back in the toilet again. Time for an even better Teshuvah? Not quite.

Time for the truth.

But our greatest korban of all is this oh, so imperfect one - essentially a korban entirely of our mumin! - "Meroshi v'ad ragli, ein be m'som!"

So your honesty is actually gorgeous. Thanks for sharing it!