Browsing the forum i see all types of really addicted people (10+ 20+ etc.). I'm wondering if anyone here could help me. I could fight the yh for a few months and suddenly he'll get me. I'll unblock the internet on my phone, and stay up every night (After my wife goes to sleep...) watch porn read fetishes and masturbate (a few times a night). The 90 day won't help me as thats normal for me. My problem is that I always think it's a chaval hashem Doesnt let porn, its a great thing. So onc I start I cant stop.

Yes, in the midst of acting out, all seems right. Been there a thousand times.

Regarding your concern that 90 days won't work for you, you're right there too. 90 days isn't a religion. It isn't the end goal. It's just a stepping stone some find useful. But it's only useful in the context of real recovery, not just fighting (white-knuckling) for 90 days or 190 days. That's like a dry drunk locked somewhere he can't get booze. You can keep him there for 5 years. The day he gets out he's back at the bar. Because he hasn't done anything to change.

Abstinence alone won't make you sober. It's a start. But even abstinence from internet porn doesn't mean abstinence from lust. Lust takes many forms -- gazing, fantasizing, inappropriate marital relations. So A) you may never really have gone 90 days, and even if you truly have, that abstinence alone isn't enough. For real sobriety, we don't just abstain, we recover. That includes the critical step of surrendering our lust.

Making any sense?

Welcome!

Alex

Hi alex, thanks for responding. I actually think I fit type B. as for the surrendering, I'm not sure I understand what u meant. I think that because I was brought up in such a sheltered enviroment I think that porn is the tachlis of every man.(!) As soon as i start acting out I cant stop because 'this really is the best stuff our rebbiim (and hashem) are keeping away from us. So maybe thats what u meant by surrendering, that even though i think its better i shouldn't take the lust?

The first steps to recovery are admitting that we are powerless over lust and that, as a result, our lives have become unmanageable.

If you feel that looking at extremely untznius pictures of women, and having sex with yourself while your aishes chayil sleeps, is the best thing in the world, then you may not be ready for recovery.

Don't get me wrong. All of us here can relate to the sweetness of porn. But it began to take over my mind with intrusive thoughts at the most inappropriate times. I couldn't stop looking at women and fantasizing. It owned me.

It might take going further into addiction, or your wife catching you and walking out, to wake you up to reality. Or you might be a chochom and see the nolad now. We call this hitting bottom while still on top.

Surrendering lust means realizing that I can not use lust, that it destroys me, and asking Hashem to take it from me yom b'yomo (one day at a time).

I like what ur saying Eliezer. Of course I know it's not good for my neshama for my relationship with my wife for the ehrlichkeit of my kids. But I feel that although I dont have power over lust itself, I do have power over opening myself to it, by watching porn etc. thats why i could pull through 90 days and double that amount without (almost) thinking about it. I'm just too busy thinking about the gooood thats coming that i cant keep back...or maybe ur right...while writing i'm thinking its almost not pos

--not possile to keep back from unblocking my phone once the urge settles in. So what is the next step? I probaly would need the gye books. where can i get them in ny? I'm late for seder, wont answer (probaly, lest my (good) addiction overtake me) till after seder

www.guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program />
There's a link on the top right of the page for the handbook.

Hatzlocha, and keep us posted.