hi all,

this issue has been bothering me ever since...

getting an idea of how it is by others will help me (and maybe others too? :-)

thanks for being mishtatef in "the wife poll"!

KP

Why get her involved, it'll just get her confused? And upset. And....
Or maybe she can be helpfull, perhaps a 24/7 accountability partner. If that will be helpfull and not constricting.
It probably is different for everyone, depending on the husband and wife and situation.

My wife.....
I don't know, why don't you ask her? And while you're at it, ask her if she's willing to meet me, will 'ya.

MB- i agree that each couple is different. depends a lot on the dynamics. in general, i think you have to be open in your marriage. i am actually open about everything, but this is a different story...
my wife gets my webchaver report, but hardly checks them...

TZ- i didn't undersantd what you wrote. are you saying that you have a general communication problem with your wife? sorry if i misunderstood you.


kevin

It is generally not recommended to share your problem with your wife. You can consider it after you have a considerable amount of recovery behind you. But, often by that time your wife will know something is up because she'll notice that you've improved (if you're taking recovery seriously).

I shared my problem and my recovery with my wife, but little by little. We knew you have to be careful with the internet and take precautions. We installed a filter together. I signed up for the Chizzuk-emails. She noticed I was reading them. Etc, etc. We have had some rough moments, but overall she has been very supportive and encouraging. Eventually I joined a live SA group, and my wife has joined S-Anon.

DEFINITELY do not use your wife as your accountability partner. Find a friend in recovery, not your wife. It's definitely not good for your marriage.

Everyone thinks they're the exception "but my wife really understands me." Please assume you're not the exception--don't even think about it until you've got some serious sobriety.

That would be my recommendation, if you're asking.

--Elyah

Eliyah- i agree there is a huge difference between the 'bad' stage and the recovery. Your wife should be a partner to the recovery, not the problem.
However, i doubt that women can actually have the wool pulled over their eyes for too long.
My own wife told me that "i'm a mother" (a very big website/ forum for frum women) is full of cases in which women are abslotuely shocked to find out what their husbands are up to online. and the shock itslef hurts more than anything.
i don't have any magic solutions here- just pointing things out.

I think it's generally enough to know you've had a struggle, you've messed up, and you're working on yourself.

My wife also needed to be reassured that I wasn't doomed to become a serious danger to her, to our children, and to society in general. But we didn't have that discussion until we had traveled a considerable distance down the road of recovery.

If someone, however, is carrying a deadly venarial disease, it is something they shouldn't hide from their wife. I'm no expert, but something like that would probably be serious, and justified, grounds for divorce.

--Elyah

I agree that it really depends on your relationship and your stage in recovery.
I was able to share after being clean for a long time.
my wife was very understanding but was upset that i hadnt told her sooner
she doesnt really understand just how hard it is to share this with others when you are struggling.

I told my wife pretty early. I only told her smaller things-not about me watching porn-and boy did I regret it. women usually don't have the same taivos men have and they're more ehrlich, so they USUALLY don't understand the nisyonos we face. After speaking To my wife it looked like she thought "i'm supposed to b married to this shegetz of a man?"

from what I've read on posts, it seems that even when the wives are upset, if they don't divorce the husband (which I don't think is almost ever the case), they get over it and become supportive, especially when they see positive results from working the program/going to meetings.

What happened to YOU KH?? I thought you were on MY side??

TehillimZugger wrote on 18 May 2012 07:52:


I'm not married yet, but I still like obsessing about it :D

she's my accountability partner for a softwear program. WORKS GREAT! However, there is a way around it and I'm struggling to figure out how to tell her that this is a problem and that she needs to watch and read the reports for this thing. Becuase she does not know that I actually have a REAL problem with this stuff.

Oh what missery. But! It is the only thing that has ever worked for me. If other people can see what you are looking at on the internet it really makes you think twice.

It's usually better to have someone other than your wife be your accountability partner.

--Elyah

I voted "out of the picture no clue", but I dare say that she must suspect something. Perhaps not even the nature of the problem but something nonetheless. I find it somewhat difficult to imagine her staying if (when?) she found out & that's something I'm terrified of.