*edited*

Whatever are you talking to the YH for, if he isn't a good listener?
Talk to HASHEM! He's there, He's really there, He cares, and He's listening!!!
Go on! Talk to Him!

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Machshovo wrote on 13 Jun 2012 22:04:


I remember hearing from many people I dont know the original source, but simplified it is that part of hashems way of givving the opertunity for full teshuva is by allowing the Y'H to rechallange you with the same avaira over and over again and each time you turn the Y'h away that action is a positve action that shows that you never ment to sin in that form and your true desire is to behave as you did prior to the first time you have ever sined, which is how our misdeeds become merits. Lehavdil, I like to think of it like the board-game othelo, if you are familliar with this game, there can be a whole row of black-sidded chips but with one white one at the bigining, by placing another white one at the end of the row all the black ones flip to white, of course the only flaw in this analagy is that with the mitzvos they always count regardless, but I do like to use the game as a visual to understand that concept.
Oh and I second Meir, forget the Y'H talk to hashem hes the one that can help and he wants to

hope you have a great day!

Thank You for your comments...

The biggest problem I know in tefilah is this:

We do not really believe that we are talking to anybody.

Yet the velt wanting to grow in tefillah focuses all on 'kavonoh', 'pirush hamilim', etc. Ikkar choser min hasefer!

We assume that just because we are frum, or just because we sincerely choose the Jewish philosophy or the Jewish way of life - that we really believe in G-d. That we have a personal, real, G-d. But we often do not.

People like me in addiction do strive for kedusha.....but when we act out or lust, we 'find ourselves' desperately running after sexualized images of naked women, after that great fantasy orgasm in the shower, or after that very pretty women with those really perfect body parts. So - who then is our god?

We are pos'chim al sh'tei has'ipim. A frum person who for years repeatedly gorges on porn, masturbates, uses hookers or is otherwise in shackles to his (or her) lust, clearly worships both Hashem - and the pleasure, menuchah, and nechomah of lust. It is a power greater than himself. He 'sacrifices' his own power to it. It is a horrible feeling I remember very well. Walking around living a double life, having two gods...the Gemorah calls that "oy li mi'Yotri, oy li mi'yitzri!"

And feeling guilty is irrelevant - what we do is just a fact. Hashem knows it right now, and has always known it. He accepts it! Accepting is not condoning. Accepting reality is indispensible if we ever want to be in the same reality as Hashem is. And acceptance may be the most important part of 'hitting rock bottom' - Step 1.

And this is the path to the Neshamah tehorah. Accepting the truth of our poverty - our lechem oni - and then saying, "I deserve better than this garbage!" So why doesn't Sha'arei Teshuvah end up doing us addicts any good?

Charotah does nothing - for an addict. That's why normal Teshuvah has no grip on us. For, after all, anyone can suffer a lot. It's only the few who accept the reality and full extent of thier own poverty - instead of living in religious or moral denial of their insanity - who can actually take that step out of it by the Grace (Chesed) of G-d. But he or she needs to pick which god will restore him to sanity. I pick Hashem. Porn restores me to insanity. G-d restores me to sanity. So I really am not picking Hashem as much as I am picking sanity. And sanity really means living in reality of life, not fantasy. So, for me, picking G-d means picking Life (see the beginning of parshas Re'eh).

And I need Him so badly because I am a sexaholic - an addict - even more than I need Him because I am a Jew! Just like any inner-city drunk or heroin junky; no difference between my addict-ness and that of any farmboy out there. Different wallpaper, same pit. My hole may be in Eretz Yisroel and his in Cincinati - but from inside the pit it all looks the same to us! I tried to stop because I am a good man. I failed because I am sick. Hu nosein lechem - not lechem oni - lechol bosor! Not just Jews, not just humans. Chol bosor.

The one who has cancer and admits he does not feel well - but not that he or she has terminal cancer - will not be prayed for. He will not even really pray for himself. At best, he or she will just whine to G-d. His chances are very, very poor.

And we wonder why our tefillos are not effective?! Who's our real god?

The halocha states that the proper kavonoh in Shem Elokim is Higher Power: Adon hakol, uba'al kol hakochos kulam. Eil (Keil) means "Power". When I say I depend on Hashem, but my actions prove that I desperately search for the right porn image or follow the right-faced or right-bodied woman around cuz she's sooo sweet...proves my dependence on the power of lust. No moral judgements here, no issur of "avodah Zora" here - it is just a fact: I have a god and her name is great porn, or whatever I am desperate for. No guilt needed, no condoning of evil implied - just aceptance of the truth about me. That's an addict. That's a person in trouble...but at least poised to emerge from the dark.

Step 1 - acceptance of the true extent and nature of my problem - leads to step 2 - admission that I really have false gods: like porn goddesses, fantasies, orgasm, my wife, that woman with the perfect face or body over there....I worship them, trust in them, and so I use them over and over trying to get from them what I need so badly. That's addiction. Then Step 2 asks us to choose the G-d that will restore us to sanity. And that takes more than just reading a sefer and is not a knee-jerk thing, "oh, yeah, sure, I believe in Hashem." Huh? And what about till now?

Rav Twerski wrote a great book about denial in addiction called, "Self-Improvement?! I'm Jewish!"

So do what Avraham Avinu did. First he got a G-d. Then he started a relationship with Him that actually worked. True emunah and true bitachon are not a yerusha to you, otherwise there would never be a sefer called Chovos haLevavos. And maybe that's why Hashem allows addictions and other illnesses to happen in the world in the first place. Only He knows.

hey Benzi, how are you doing?

Well...shkoach for asking.

... *edited*

c'mon, tell us more...we've all been there...

Maybe it was bad until now. But why not make it good from this moment? No situation is so bad that it can't be made better.

Let's daven together and work together and hope together that things start "looking" better.

Hatzlacha

MT

Machshovo wrote on 25 Jun 2012 20:03:

Death? Fatal illness? Loss of limb? Miscarriage? Loosing everything you have in a fire?



P.S. It looks like I'm picking on MT today, but I'm not, I swear. I just followed a bunch of disagreeable posts that happened to be authored by the same guy.
Love always.

Sorry you misunderstood me. I was referring to situations that we deal with on GYE.
Like R' Nachman said, "If you believe you can be 'mekalkel', believe that you can be 'metaken'. Or as we say in simple terms: אין לך דבר העומד בפני התשובה

MT

*edited*

shkoach for that.


אמר רבי עקיבא אשריכם ישראל indeed.

Benzi wrote on 25 Jun 2012 21:59:

That's exactly what I wanted to know. Some honest, specific sharing, if only a little incoherent
A lot of guys come here, and they always stop at generics:
I have a problem...you know...with this issue...like...sometimes I'm not as holy as Hashem wants me to be...like, sometimes I like to turn on my computer and you know, one thing leads to another....I really wish I could do tshuvo...
But this is not gonna take us anywhere. Because if we are not being specific, than there is no specific solution that can be offered.
Like, you know, just be a little holier, you know...like next time you want to turn your computer, just don't, you know, and Hashem is gonna looooooove you for that...
Because if your issue is turning on the computer, than that's the only solution I got for that, short of cutting the main line to your appartment.
And we keep fooling ourselves, we keep fooling people who are around us, and we keep on (trying to) fool Hashem. But He knows that when I say "I'm having a bad day" what I am really having is this monstorsity of an urge to lust after women and masturbate. Or something else, just as specific and to the point. So when we break out of our trying to camouflage what really is going on with generalities, and we look our "problem" straight in the eye and we're calling a spade a spade, then...wonderous things will begin to happen for us as far as gaining freedom from the obsessions goes.
Here is a quick personal story, which your post reminded me off:
I was just becoming frum, maybe two years into the making. I was eighteen and by then, I have been obsessed with masturbation and sexualized thinking and romantic fantasy for almost ten years. I was sitting on a park bentch with my girlfriend, who was also becoming frum, so we were not having sex, although we did do other things that I would be ashamed to describe to my mother. So I told her: I wish I could find out that I am not really Jewish, that I was adopted or something, so that all this Toiro and Mitzvois thing can be ignored, and I can be back to having sex with you.
I think she objected and was trying to convince me of the beauty of being Hashem's servant and so forth. Maybe not. But I only remember what I said, because it was true and it revealed to me what really was important to me at that time. I wish I had the tools to deal with it then...
Admitting the truth to ourselves is very important. Admitting it to others is a necessity.
Keep crying, my brother. Nothing like a broken heart...
Hugs and kisses,
Mottel

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