Hi everybody,
Sorry for my imperfect english.
I m married and I have 4 children, I m a baal techouva an became orthodox since 15 years.
When I was a child ( 4 until 6 years)  was raped(violated) by my sister who was older than me of 9 years. I lived with it since my childhood, but I was always perturbed by the sexuality and the pornography. I never told anyhing to my parents.
Is there anyone in the same case?
Thanks

Collel,
Welcome!
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Many of us here have been subjected to various forms of abuse as children.
Personally, I was beaten by my parents.
There is no doubt that your early childhood experience shaped who you are today and contributed directly to the issues you mentioned.

Regardless of how it started, there is much you can do to overcome these destructive behaviors and live a happier life without them.  So feel free to share where you are holding now.

Take a look at this post:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4081.0

Thanks for joining us here.  I hope you'll stay.

Alex

Welcome!

Click Here to learn all about this wonderful site and everything it has to offer you!
Great step you took by posting here, we hope you stick around and KOP [if you stick around you'll figure out what that means  ;) ].
Around here we all have the same story, our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

Thank you, alexeliezer for the link,
I m sorry for you for the sadness during your childhood.
It is difficult for me to speak, and to become aware of the problem, I believed that this problem was buried in me, and that my trends(tendencies) came from me and have no report(relationship) with it.

sorry for my ignorance - How does a person do this at such a young age?  what exactly did she do?  if she did that to you, somebody must have done something to her as well... suggesting a whole family system of abuse.

she wasn't nine years old but nine years older than him, making her thirteen to fifteen.

ontheedgeman wrote on 27 Feb 2012 17:34:


While I have the same curiosity, I don't feel this forum is the best place to air these details.

What's important is where Collel is holding now, in his own life, and how to let go of lust and start living.

Collel, you don't necessarily need to go back there in your mind in order to move on.  On this website you will find tools to recover from addictive behaviors related to lust.

My sister was 14-15  years old.
She used me as a toy for her pleasure, and I took that as a game(set,play) between us. She  asked me to do her many things and especilally (sorry ) cunilingus  . My sister died for 10 years because she became a drug addict. She had 2 children who are in the Torah today, her son became rav in Israel, because when I made techouva we sent him to yechiva.
My parents always loved me and always gave me the maximum. They suffered a lot because of my sister. She took a bad way.
Since I am a child I am very sensitive to the sex, it is always present in my head.
Pictures in my head and other things...
I m afraid of me, I study the torah every day in chiourim, but when I m fallin  it s difficult.

collel wrote on 28 Feb 2012 08:37:


Have you had any professional counseling or therapy treatment for this?  From what you say, you should seek professional help very quickly, and probably stay away from well-meaning non-professionals for advice (like me) while you are getting help, until they deem you ready.

If you need help in finding a therapist located close to you, there is a link on the main GYE page, or the administrators might be able to help you out.

that is very sad and scary.  I agree with Yossi, you need to talk to someone who has dealt with this type of issue.  maybe if you let us know approx which city you are in someone can recommend a therapist, hopefully it's covered under your medical plan.  Your sister was obviously suffering a lot, although that's not an excuse, but she was clearly something wrong in her head, why or how that happened who knows.  A good therapist will help you recognize that you are not a bad person, and will train you how to deal with sadness and fear when it comes to sex because obviously if a family member who is supposed to protect you does stuff like that then it can have very lasting and painful memories.
Gcd should have mercy on us all.

ontheedgeman wrote on 28 Feb 2012 13:17:


The great thing about most European countries (especially France) is that therapy is often free.

I agree with Yossi that professional counseling could be very helpful.

However, Collel, if you have developed an addiction to sex and lust, masturbation and pornography, fantasy and gazing at women, therapy alone may not get you out of it.  The addiction may have taken on a life of its own, caused by, but no longer fueled by, the childhood trauma.  I would suggest, in tandem with therapy, you read the materials available on this site and start your own recovery from the addiction.

Wishing you much success in your journey (and I do hope you'll continue sharing it with us here).

Alex

I have a question.  I've never really discussed this before so collel thank you for starting this thread.

When I was maybe 10 years old, I was in the bath with my brother, who was around 7.  I asked him if he wanted to "hump", and he let me go on top of his belly and I just went up and down a few times.  It was physically stimulating, I can't recall how many separate bath times this lasted, it was a few times.  I do recall feeling incredibly guilty after I did this.  That was it, maybe a handful of times, never to be done again.

My brother by no means considers himself abused, and in fact, I asked him about this episode, and he has literally no recollection of it ever happening.  I'm sure people could say it's repressed, but I think he thought it was like wrestling.  And I don't know how to write this episode in the history of our lives - could my brother say he was abused because of this?  That would be dreadful.

I guess my question to the group is:  what is considered normal sexual experimentation and play as children, and what is considered crossing the boundaries?  I by no means wish to minimize collel's experience.  For myself, although I don't consider my bath episode with my brother a life-changing episode, I guess that fact that it causes me uncomfortable feelings 25 years later, and that I don't know whether what I did is normal or represents some type of sick behaviour, is evidence that something may have been lurking underneath.

to be sure, I have since a very young age been a sexual oddity.  when in high school I would draw extremely graphic pictures of sexual activity and violence.  I'm not sure why I would do this, probably just to see people's reactions.  I don't recall my parents or any relatives ever violating my sexual space.  My dad had p*** lying around the house but just the usual stuff a secular parent might have.

I realize that 80% of sexual addicts have some type of sexual abuse and that for the rest of the 20% maybe it's just a random thing.  Not sure if I'm that 20% of whether with persuasion I'll move into the 80%...

Hi, ontheedgeman,
If I can expressed my opinion, As you say, I do not think that you one brother can be considered as violated. It is true that from a certain age the children discover the sexuality and can be engaged in certain games.You were 10 years old and your brother  7 years, there is no big difference in age, and then after these games stopped. If I describe you the things which arrived with my sister, you will see a difference. At first my sister had 14-15 years old and  I was 5 years old. Then my sister  asked me to make her pornography things which are shocking for a children . And when she arrived at herpleasure, she left me. I do not think that you owe you made feel guilty especially if your brother doesn' remember this.

A_new_begining wrote on 12 Dec 2011 14:09: