Woah! I've missed quite a bit here.

Do I understand correctly--you resent your sobriety because of a dream?

--Elyah

Huh?
Elya, not sure how that idea got into your head. At the time i was pained by the seeming nonchalant regard to sobriety that i was displaying in the dream. i was, am and continue to work to remain sober and during the dream i threw all that out while m(&^(*&g. The emotional mess was far greater than the mess in my pants. Hope this makes sense and thanks for stopping by.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

CY,
Welcome back. Thanks for the update (just noticed it today).
In some ways summer is harder, because we all know what's out there everywhere.
But that same knowledge can also make it easier. Because we KNOW what's everywhere, we are more prepared. We're not caught off guard by what comes our way, we're expecting it and are ready to avoid it.
Shteig on!!

Anybody relate?
When i was in active addiction(meaning i was regularly m(&^*&*##G), i would often feel much closer to HASHEM during davening shortly, though not immediately, after a fall. "i'm so sorry to have done this terrible thing, but i know YOU love me. Please, please please don't push me away, i want to be close to YOU and i want to stop doing this sort of thing, etc..." Looking back(hindsight is 20/20), i think it was a ploy of the yh.
Fast forward, Erev Shabbos Parshas Pinchas. Over 250 days sober, one day at a time and i was davening mincha. i felt so close to HASHEM and contrasted it to the feelings of closeness of the past and realized how empty that past closeness really was. That was a closeness of separation and despair and this was a closeness of love and nearness.

another point:
looking ahead to Yom Kippur and i feel that i can't ask my wife for some blanket forgiveness for the wrongs i have done her as i have in the past. i have just e-mailed our Rav( he knows of my addiction) to ask him if he will meet with us so i can tell my wife about my addiction. i will, bli neder, keep you posted.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Wow cy.

About wanting to tell your wife. It brought tears to my eyes. Ok Minot married but I feel like I've lied to my parents for years. I have a lot of pain over it. I just don't think I can tell them. Yet. Wow when and if you do meet with rav to tell ur wife. May Hashem put the right words in your mouth and give ur wife the right koach to accept your words.

Hatzlacha.

My wife know (and I believe it's part of the problem, not solution, 'cause I went about telling her in a wrong way).
But my Rabbi doesn't know, and I really feel I need religious guidance, as well as marriage counseling.
How did you go about telling your Rav? Anybody?
M.

Re: The Rav
First I told him I was having kedusha "issues".
A week later I told him I fell, and wasn't succeeding in combating the issues.
A week after that (my falls were average one week apart) I begged him for some sort of help, and in the privacy of his office I cried and told him precisely where I was up to. (I did not, however, go into detail of how bad I fell when I did. If I wasn't so confident that he knows anyway, I probably would've just to emphasize.)

Etek n vhaimyakov
How u have koach to tell ur rav?

Until i accepted my addiction, i always viewed acting out as a religious problem. i was raised non-observant and "carpe diem" was how i lived. After my journey to yiddishkeit began, i realized mz'l was assur so i attacked it from the religious angle - Torah tavlin. When that didn't work, i spoke to a rebbe. He gave me the best advice he knew- get married. i did and guess what, the addiction was still there. i had the opportunity to speak with a Gadol about my problem and he told me to get rid of the internet - but lust is my problem not the internet, so that didn't help. After several more years i told my Rav "i have an internet problem" code for mz'l. He told me "It is good for you to get this out into the open. You probably won't be able to stop. Let's talk some more in a few weeks" - no help there either, but... Last Simchas Torah, the Rav announced that some of the kibuddim would not be auctioned for money this year but for inspiring pledges in Torah and yiddishkeit. It touched me, but i couldn't make my pledge in front of the kehilla, so during the dancing i told him that i was pledging to "shmiras einayim as he defined it not as i define it" code for i want to stop being mz'l. He smiled and said "That is the most inspiring pledge I have heard all night. Let's talk after Yom Tov." But there was no talk after Yom Tov for many weeks. During this time i fell one or more times(after the first thousand or so you begin to lose track) and then stumbled, or was i pushed, upon GYE. From the first moment i knew things were about to change. i signed up for the 90 day chart and haven't looked back. By the time i finally met with my Rav, i was close to a month clean and he suggested i go to SA meetings. That took some time on my part, but it has added to my sobriety immeasurably. i meet regularly with my Rav and keep him in the sobriety loop.

Update- my Rav wants to meet with me again before/if my wife is brought into the loop. He isn't certain if any good will come from the disclosure. Will keep you updated.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Hashem should continue to lead you on the right path.

Koach?
Heh.
I NEEDED TO. I HAD NO CHOICE.

Which is a great way to bring out your koach

Kind of like the guy who can never be on time but makes his flights. Its in there latent waiting to come out.

Im curious, I dont have this worked out myself, what exactly is the line between Hashem gave "me" certain kochot and "I am powerless" Hashem is in control running the show.

I know the first step is admitting powerlessness but didnt Hashem give us certain abilities that we are supposed to use have some "bitachon atzmit" ?

E-Tek wrote on 10 Jul 2012 13:26:

And I'll send you the PM that went along with this post.

Hatzlacha!
Meir

This morning(Rosh Chodesh Menachem Av) the Ba'al Koreh goofed and instead of saying "Zeh ha'ishe asher takrivu " he said "Zeh ha'isha"
i was able to hold the smile in and wouldn't look around to see if anyone else "chapped", but just maybe the Ba'al Koreh and i have something else in common, hmmmm.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Cute!

Yeah, not everybody has same "issue" (that's chassidishe pronunciation).

MT