Dear Chayimyaakov,
All that matters to me is that while I am busy pondering the answer to your interesting type of question, my zipper is up. Then the answer to these wonders does not really matter.
And incidentally, I have been sober a for a bunch of years, be"H. And I am glad to admit to you or anybody that I know that right this very second, if were I to intentionally view a bit of porn, my heart would feel totally convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that the porn is sweet, precious, warm and beautiful. And that I absolutely need it.
I do not see recover as having failed if that is true of me or anybody else. Call me a mushchas, pervert, or whatever you want. I still wear my tefillin just as proudly and joyfully as anyone else - though I bleib a potential pervert. I have no shame in admitting my allergy.
For me, recovery is about what I do when the opportunity 'to be tested' does present itself, or when I do remember the power of lust. Do I pridefully run where angels fear to tread and do things like "see if there is anything I shouldn't look at" or 'test my computer's filter just to see if it works'... - or do I humbly accept that these things are not safe for me precisely since I am a pervert? It is the latter.
This is another reason that frumkeit/holiness as a basis for recovery is so very poor and dangerous for addicts: it perverts the truth. The reason I have chosen to do anything to avoid masturbating for the past 17 years is not because I am 'above' that or a holy Jew - but rather because I know that I am way below that and ill. If I start, my life is trash. Others can use porn, masturbate occasionally and enjoy it...and perhaps do Teshuvah. For me that is just not an option. It is too dangerous for me to play with lust for I am too sick to.
May Hashem protect me from ever seeing myself as 'holy' with respect to lust. I owe my sobriety to one thing: how ill and allergic I know I am - not at all to how 'good' I am.
So I hope you do not expect your present realizations to save you from your lusting when the time comes. Imagining one can stand up fearlessly to the stray dog is all fine - but when the dog is actually standing there and there is no where to hide from it, the phobia will come rushing in with all it's power. Forget it.
Is that helpful?
