I feel so bad, so guilty.  :'( :'(

My story is that I easily did 90 days about a month ago and since then I cant get a week together. Same patterns are seeing things on the street which triggers but I dont realise until a few days later. Saturday night is when it hits, usually cant sleep and start thinking. It happened twice tonight. its now 4.30am in UK and I dont know what to do with myself. just feel sick. :'( I so badly want to change. I printed out some of the e books but forget to read them! - im sure they would help. My computer is safe, no access only allowed list access but my wife has a phone with internet I sometimes use. That catches me out.

Please can someone just give me some chizuk? :'(

I want to change myself, not just nit look at things.

Thank you for the opporutity to get my feelings out. Last time I did this it worked but I didnt really stick with the forum. once I was on the way I stopped posting.

Hi, for me also Motzei Shabbosim is very tough. Last night I had urges, but I avoided a fall by getting away from the computer & I watching (kosher) show on TV instead. It help for last night, but unfortunetly I waked up on Sunday w/urges so we have to see what happens. 

It's a lifelong struggle, as you now know.  We can simply never let our guard down, never become complacent.  And the only way to succeed is to take it one nisayon at a time.

At times when you know you are vulnerable, take extra precautions.  Have something good to do, and stay far away from the computer.  I'm B"H clean for over 2 years, but there are certain times, like when my wife is away, that I just won't turn on the computer at home.

It's tshuva season.  Keep striving!

Alex

listen buddies

no one said it' was gonna be easy

it's not

but hard work can't scare you off

being a person who went 90 days

than almossssssssst a tear straight befor a fall

it's very difficult to jump  back

but...

WHO GIVES A POSSUMS POTERIOR??

say fell shmell

don't think

don't cry

don' aggravate

just get up

and truck along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you for all the chizuk. Have been doing great as the trauma of the event has stuck with me. have been able to avoid 2nd looks at triggers which has been really helpful. I just let my guard down too easiliy and then its later when I feel it.

Has anyone read that spilling seed as akin to killing an entire world? this freaked me out and then my YH got much stronger and that was the night when I did it. But its been bothering me. Does anyone use these things to help them?

Also, how do you stay aware. Alex, 2 years?! I read your story, its phenomenal, how do you stay aware of keeping your nguard up? Today I aught myself when I let my guard slip looking at a passing trigger. I havent caught myself in weeks! - so that is positive.

Thank you so much for your help

When I was just starting using porn, I knew that spilling seed is a big avora & one would get kores for it. So my Y’H would tell me just to look is not a such big deal only Rabbincal & as soon as I feel like spilling seed I would turn it off. At first I would do that, but after awhile of course it would not work. I would get very upset , but unfortunately after many falls the guilty feeling goes way and before a  fall there was no struggle.  One things I am happy about after getting on the program / forum is that before a fall there is a internal struggle  & afterwards I started to feel guilty again.

Previously, in order to try motive myself to stop, I would try to use whenever something negative happens to me to convince myself that it was punishment for watching porn. It made things worse & I got more depress.   

One thing that kind of bothers me is that now I am addict ,so when I have a fall it’s kind of an ones, but if  I do the program & regain control  I would be responsible for my actions. 

Jew wrote on 01 Aug 2011 22:26:

Regarding your first Q, I agree with Struggler.  Thinking about what a great aveira this all is doesn't help an addict.  We know it's wrong.  We've known it's wrong for years.  But our brains are expert at blocking this out when we neeeed to act out.  That's why we need a different approach.

Now on to the second Q.
I was a lust addict for over 30 years, ogling everything that resembled a trigger, looking everywhere for a quick lust buzz.  I have my particular triggers, but at the height of my addiction, before I started recovery, I would look at EVERY woman in my field of vision, attractive to me or not.  Ugly ones just got me thinking about pretty ones.  True triggers were icing.  I was really sick.

I'm an all-or-none kind of person.  I don't do things half way.  I made a commitment to get and stay sober forever.  The beginning was almost constant torment, a mental storm. Unless it's absolutely necessary, like at work, I don't look at women altogether.  I'm not going to look first to see if she's a trigger so I'll then look away.  That's suicide.  Because if she's a trigger, I already saw too much.  My only hope is to not look even the first time.  Now I know, we're programmed to look at anything that moves, and we are also prone to move our gaze in the direction of people.  On the street, I try not to look at people.  Again, maybe it's a man and I'm safe.  But if I look, and it's a woman -- too late.  So that's when I'm driving, walking, shopping.

I don't watch television and movies for the same reasons.  Movies were hard to give up completely, but they all have women in them.  I don't read mainstream magazines because they're too dangerous.  I look briefly at the newspaper, putting my hand over anything provocative.  I don't look through the JC Penney flier.  I'm an addict.  I'm extremely sick.  I need extreme shmiras eynayim.  So that's how I live.

It works.  Ever since starting, I can say that I haven't ogled a single woman anywhere, live or in pics, for over 2 years.  I do check out my wife in the appropriate setting, and this is my outlet.  Knowing that I can have this is very helpful.

Then there's lustful thoughts.  Another huge problem for me.  For this, I run straight to Hashem for help.  This is when I admit powerlessness and turn things over to Him.  The thoughts do still come, but I don't give them a seat in my mind.  They're not welcome, and I get to work as soon as they come knocking.

Is all this hard?  It was. And sometimes it still is.  But it's much easier these days.  It's become habit to avert my gaze BEFORE it fixes and focuses.  And the rewards are many and great.  I appreciate the beauty of nature, my wife, my children, Torah thoughts.  I'm not guilt-ridden.  I'm not living that double life.  I'm really what you see.  It's worth it.

Go for the gold!
Alex

Alex,

Please dont leave me, your posts are so inspiring and so helpful I really appreiate it.

Thank you for the advice about the aveira - still I think about it but your both right and I know that!

I had two good days and really doing well. trying so hard not to let my guard down. Alex, how do you drive and not look around, its just automatic. I realised that if I dont take a second look I dont remember them meaning I cant have my fantasy party that I usually have every night after looking at triggers much in the same manner as you described.

Please both of you keep checking on me. Im not 3 days and I usually fall motzei shabbos, practical tips?

Jew, Hi and welcome.  You ask bulls-eye questions.  There are different tricks guys talk about on the forum for not looking/lurking in the first place, let alone not taking the second look. 

The first thing I think is to be very clear with yourself that you are thinking about giving up something that's meant everything to you.  For me it was like giving up my best friend, that was there for me any time I wanted it.  All I had to do was take it all in and do with it what I wanted.  So easy.  And if I got really busy afterwards, the guilt and shame went away pretty fast, until I stopped feeling the shame and guilt at all.  So I went wild, and got arrested and put in jail, and lost my good name, money, and lots of other consequences.  It took me bottoming out from bottom to get very clear with myself that what I was committing to giving up was something I thought I would die without.  It was the best feeling in the world, and I wasn't going to have any mussar, rav GYE forum tell me otherwise.  Nothing compared to that rush.  I had to get very clear with myself about what I was willing to give up.

Then the work began.  GYE, filter, reading, posting, cranking up my leyning and davening, beginning to relate to real people, coming clean with my secrets, first on the forum and then with real people.  Posting posting posting.  I was so lonely and isolated, and living a secret life.  All this had to be admitted and I had to find ways to make real life changes.  We all find our own way to do that.  What's important is that once you are clear that you ARE going to put this problem in God's hands because everything you've tried hasn't worked, and that you (I) will take chizuk and counsel and guidance and begin to do the work as it unfolds for you to do.  Once you admit and commit, you will find things that work for you not to take the first look.  But it's not enough to not look.  You have to ge to where you don't WANT to look, more than you do.  I haven't found the wanting to look has gone away.  I just know it will cause me trouble in a minute, a day a week later.

Practically, I look at the car in front of me.  In the street I squint when I look up.  Billboards are forbidden.  Personally, I slip.  But I don't make a federal case about it.  I notice what happened, how I WANTED to slip, and did.  It's definitely a learning curve for what seems like forever.

much success

ps.  you might want to check out "Windows of the Soul" on the home page at GYE.

I refrained from responding to your last post because what 1daat wrote was so important I felt it should just stay there and be studied.

Once we make the decision to truly give up lusting, truly rip this cherished teddy bear from our hearts, the rest comes easier.  But just as it is a constant battle not to look and lust, it is a recurrent battle not to WANT to lust.

Sometimes I'm walking in public and become aware of a trigger before me, feminine perfection.  The old me wants to look.  The new me doesn't want to WANT to look.  I turn my HEAD (not just my eyes) so it's impossible to see.  And I fix my gaze on SOMETHING.  If my wife is with me, I look right at her.  These nisyonos only last for a few seconds, then they're gone forever.  But the good feeling and the mitzva is l'olmei olamim.  R' Avigdor Miller ZT"L says that every time we overcome a nisayon like this, we are achieving GREATNESS. GREATNESS!  And that's for a regular person.

Sometimes I take of my glasses.  Sometimes I cross the street.  Chazal say "better to be behind a lion than behind a woman."

Regarding motzei Shabbos, are you sleeping a lot on Shabbos, so you're all revved up and nowhere to go?  Maybe set up a chavrusa Shabbos afternoon, so you have to take a shorter shluf.

Shteig on!
Alex

Thanks guys. given me alot to think about.

Focusing on the car in front and physically moving your head rather than just your eyes are really good and practical tips.

I do sleep on shabbos not for long but quite late. in England shabbos is out late in the summer so by the time kids have gone to sleep still a while until shabbos is out. A chevrusa is a really great idea.

I'm still clean so something is working but i'll write back on Sunday! hopefully clean.

Had a great Shabbos wiht family and napped downstaits for maybe 30 minutes while kids played. hope to report tomorrow morning a clean night. bezras Hashem

With Hashems help I did it. Im so happy to be clean. its such a great and wonderful feeling that I dont want to lose. unitl next motzei Shabbos...

Awesome! You're a steamroller now!
Shavua Tov!
Alex