I feel you, Happy. I started my GYE journey 13 days ago and so far have 7 clean days in a row, thank Gd.

Since starting this program, my ipod and my wife's wallet were stolen from our house. My internet has been coming and going for three days, which from a GYE perspective is great, but from the fact that I work online and can use parnassa right now, it's really not so great.

The question becomes, can we stay strong when the going gets tough? When I was in yeshiva after high school, I was king of the world. I lead programs, helped kids my age get off of drugs; I inspired people to the point where my yeshiva payed me to stay for a longer period so that the other students would benefit.

After I left yeshiva, reality hit. Could I stay that high when I suffering from a tough financial situation? Could I stay that high when my spouse began losing her desire to stay religious? I suffered, I fell, I entered a world of pain in which the Y"H became the new voice in my head and lust took over. I've been on a track of return for almost a year now, thank Gd, and now I find myself in the same situation: When you're in a State of growth, karov HaShem l'chol korav - HaShem will draw you close as you try to get close to Him, but at the same time, you'll get tested.

For some people, perhaps you and me, you can guard you eyes when things are going well (putting aside being holy enough to have a Y"H that attacks you in your sleep), but can you guard your eyes when other parts of your life are falling apart? Through trial and error I've learned that guarding my eyes allows me to have a relationship with HaShem and having a relationship with Him allows me to not view a stolen wallet and broken internet as my "life falling apart". They're both very tough situations - I have clients who are not happy which stresses me out - but as long as I can try to remind myself that HaShem is testing me, I can do my best to stay strong.

63 days...it still blows my mind. 18 years old and 63 days. I envy you. Hop on the 90 chart, it really helps.

That's amazing you gone through a lot I should be the one to envy you because for a lot reasons you kept on going and me I stopped davening I know I shouldn't have I was too embarrassed and I like the quote that you wrote it's all true about when things go well, people guard the eyes and when it's falling apart the true me show that I stopped guarding my eyes... At that time I was really a shame of myself filled with dirt pulling my hair and I couldn't daven it was to much for me at that time I know I should have the soton fooled me again. I was crying under my bed asking for forgiveness and it seems to me that Hashem left me and now I still have to keep on going I needed to get up from my fall and keep doing what i was doing and not quit and I have to remember everyday to trust in Hashem that it is all a test.

cominghome wrote on 19 Jul 2011 21:58:


i have the  same issue but if we realize its all from hashem then we calm down. good luck what you wrote was awesome!

I kept going, true, but at different paces. I stopped learning for about a year, I would daven Shema and Shemone Esrei at home - sometimes while cleaning the house so I could "save time"!

What it comes down to is putting yourself in HaShem's shoes, and this may something you'll only experience once you're a parent yourself. Imagine you're raising a child - you want the best for that child and will love them no matter what. One day your child comes in and just lights throws your iphone 4 across the room after and they KNOW how expensive those things are! Naturally, you get upset. This kid needs a timeout or some other form of punishment, they need to understand that what they did is wrong.

Imagine the kid stops talking to you. You ask, "Why aren't you talking to me?" and they say, "Because you don't love me." That has got to be the most painful response you can get. You've invested time, effort, money, love and other emotions into this child, they are your pride and joy, they're your responsibility and they're your life. If they say, "You don't love me." they're essentially saying, "You've never done anything for me, maybe you've cared for me for yourself, but all in all, I'm abandoned and alone - nobody is taking care of me."

If you can't face HaShem after you sin, you're being that child. You're saying, "HaShem, you chose my neshama to be a Jewish one, you chose my neshama to have these skills and strengths, you shaped the world around me...but I'm all alone and nobody loves me." It's a slap in His face. I don't think this is something I understood until I heard my child say, "Don't hurt me, you're going to hurt me!" when I was sweeping the floor and got too close. I would NEVER hurt my child, and hearing those words were so painful, even though I knew they had no clue what was going on.

"No clue what was going on" is another thing to keep in mind. If, Gd forbid (and HUGE kol hakavod to those who go through this) someone has a retarded child*, and that retarded child breaks their iPhone 4, how mad can they really get at the child? They can be upset at the situation, but knowing that the child has no understanding of their surroundings should ensure that the parents doesn't get upset at the actual child.

Since HaShem is ALL knowing and there is a tremendous Master Plan, it stands to reason that in comparison to HaShem and the World of Truth, we are all Gd's retarded children. If we KNEW was zera l'vatala was, if we could actually SEE it's spiritual effects, we would no longer have free will - we would never sin again. So to a certain extent, we can never understand what we're doing and therefor HaShem can never truly get upset at us.

Just some thoughts. Stay strong!

@Helpfyi, I'm slowly learning how to keep the stress of the office out of my home. Any tips are appreciated, thanks!

Coming home,
this is a very nice post. Thank you.

One thought about this is that if we believe that hashem runs our business not us, then you wont be stressed out. Its simple betochon but not so easy to practice. But think about it, sometimes those clients make no sense and are just not happy for some silly reason, it is then you can realize that its all a test and if you get mad your really being mad at hashem.

@cominghome Thank you very much

Just dropping by to say hello.

How are you, Happyme?

--Eye.

Hi I'm doing good just on my fifth day, how are you? and it becomes much easier now for me I think. Always trying to remember always that if I commit the avera on porn it's all a high moment for couple minutes and I'll back down to where I started again.
It's like trying to jump to a high building from a smaller one and from the smaller one to a mountain and from mountain to a lowest one and the reward for all that is 2 billion dollars. It's all temporary in this world 120 years in life but why do many fall in such sin like porn flesh and veins? why guys are attracted to women's body and become addicted to it? I know that Hashem put that craving for a reason but to the point we crave so much that it become addicted to it (G-d forbid) how so with this lust?

Glad to see you making progress. Just keep the focus, the YH will attack you soon, be ready to fight back one day at atime and maybe 10 minutes at a time. Don't become over-confident.

Kepp on trucking, you are on the right way.

@shteighecher thank you