I've been in denial of my addiction for a very long time, and for the most part still am. I've spent money I don't have on tracking software so my wife and one other person can see everything I do on my computer. I've put filters on my router and within my browser.

I work from home, alone. I recently moved my entire office to a larger room and set up a second desk so that another work-from-home guy in my neighborhood could come work in my house.

I've done all of these things and I still fail. I know I have amazing potential and I love every battle I win. When I was in yeshiva, I was amazingly high. Now I'm married, with a kid and a pregnant wife and I just feel like I'm failing at this aspect of self-control.

Everything I've done (the filters, the new office, etc.) is external and avoids the issue, which is good, but it hasn't removed the issue. I've worked on eternally changing my mindset but perhaps not enough.

I've finally decided, after much denial, to come here and really get some help. I need you guys, I feel dead.

Thanks.

Dear Friend;

In my humble opinion, the main issue here is that we think we can do it alone, we can't! find yourself a good Chavrusa who you will be open and honest with, and work together to stay strong.... you are on the right path!

Good luck and Hatslacha 

I have a great chavrusa, but he's someone who lives on my block. I would rather not disclose anything of this nature to him.

My daily schedule is as follows:

I get up at about 6 and take care of my son (2 year old) until I can bring him to daycare at about 7:45. Then I have shachris at 8 or 8:15. I go home, work (at the computer) and eat breakfast for an hour and then learn from 10:00 until 12:00. The learning is from 10:30 until 1:00 in a local yeshiva when it's in session, other wise the learning is in my home for the two hours stated before.

I then work from after learning until 3:50, when I go to pick up my son. I take care of him and the house (cleaning, improvements, etc.) until about 6:45 when I give him a bath. My wife takes over bedtime at that point and I go to a 7:30 mincha (unless I davened in yeshiva earlier, during the appropriate times of the year when that is an option). I come home, schmooze with my wife, she goes to sleep, I work until 9:15 when I go Maariv. I come back home, work until about 11:00 (earlier or later, depending on what needs to get done) and then I go to sleep.

The failures generally happen between learning and picking up my son, they've happened at night as well.

My wife is amazingly wonderful, I love her dearly and we have great Shalom bayis. She's not often around because of her school/work schedule.

You would think that between learning and taking care of my son, I hardly have time to work, so I would make the most of my work time to ensure I have proper parnassa. But my bleeping yetzer hara attacks and just ruins my day.

I've gotten it down to 4 times a month or less, a year ago it was much much worse. I kept clean for the entire nissan and most of iyar. Sivan I hit four. Now it's Tamuz and I'm already on 3. I'm hoping that when someone comes to work in my office with me I'll be good and that I would not dare slip during the three weeks.

But all of these things feel very external. I want to internalize the idea that HaShem loves us, guides us, provides for us and that this aveira pushes Him away. I want to know that externals are blinding and not important and that this "pleasure" I seek is really "pain".

So, you're right, I do need to speak to someone. Which is why, for the first time, I'm opening up about it, right here in this forum. Thanks for your time.

Dear cominghome,

Although you call the steps that you have taken "external", they still show that you are willing to take steps -even at the expense of money and comfort -to stay clean. That in itself is very significant!

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Elazar ben Durdayah

Thanks, Ben!

I'm very much not sure why I didn't join earlier; denial is a tricky thing. I didn't know about the 90 day chart, I'm signing up right now. It looks awesome.

I'm looking forward to this journey, thanks for the support!

All the best,
cominghome

Welcome, one point of chizzuk, look at all the times you held back and all the things you did to improve, you should be proud! most people would not and do not take such steps to make sure they don't slip, you did! This shows you have it in you to go all the way, don't look back keep on going and it will get easier.

Hi coming home I feel like giving you a big hug and a kiss.You sound like a very special person.I am really pulling for you to have tremendous hatzlochah over your yeter harah.                                                                                        I would like to suggest for you to write down your history of acting out.How did you develope this tendency? Another very helpful thing is to be aware of what makes you vunurable.How exactly do you end up falling.And make all the changes necessary to avoid those same circumstances.         

welcome welcome welcome!
you should have much more hatzlacha in this, aspecially since you joined gye, since you are no longer fighting it by yourself.

Welcome to the path home!

You will find many tried and true eitzos here.  Find what works for you and go for it!  We've been where you are and escaped.  You will too!

Hatzlacha!
Alex

Helpfyi, mechazek, HashemsSoldier, alexeliezer, thank you all so much! It feels wonderful to be able to check in on this forum and see these supportive responses. Your advice all sounds good; mechazek, I'll try that out, although it sounds like a painful process....although not as painful as continuing to fall!

All the best,
cominghome

good luck.

Slipped up, sigh. Everything is going very well for me, new financial opportunities on the horizon and I slipped up. I feel very small and a little depressed. Sorry I let myself down, I let HaShem down, and now that I joined this forum I feel like I let you guys down a little as well.

I need a nap, and then I'm ready to restart my day, fresh!

I hate that I slipped in Tamuz, this is such an important time of the year and I feel like it's more of a slap in HaShem's face when I slip up now.

Whats the best way to jump back in to things? How much time does HaShem want me to spend doing teshuva before it's really my yetzrer hara preventing me from getting back to work? Thoughts?

Pure awesome:www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/Telescope.mp3

Ok, I just made a shavua, with HaShem's name, that if I fall from now until the day after tisha b'av, I will donate 100NIS to tzedakka within 48 hours after the fall. This is a big deal because a) I don't have a spare 100 NIS (the money has to come from my personal assets, not ma'aser money or anything like that) and b) I would have to take a trip up to the ATM to get a cash (in the Eretz Yisroel summer sun, without a car) or charge it on my credit card.

I am panting. I know I had to make this shavua, and it was a real struggle to make it. I think the reason why I'm so freaked out about it is that when I was in my early teens and first started this evil habit, I made shavuos all the time about stopping. Those shavuos very much scare me (even though they've been annulled). I have a little bit of a good feeling though, that now years and years later I'm able to make a mature and meaningful shavua. Perhaps this will be a tikkun for my shavuos of back in the day.

I wish I never started this habit, it's no horrible and makes no sense, I'm laughing out loud thinking about it. Rebound time, back to work, hitting up simpletoremember.com while I'm working.

great job making the shuvah ! you can do it hang in there!!