As I stand this morning in shul , I have my tallis and teffilin on . I
don’t know why I am standing here. I have been through more pain then
I thought was humanly possible. I begged, cried and spilled my entire
being out to god and to tzadikim , begging  them not to let it happen.
it happened. Why stand here?

The tefillah of boruch  she’umar ( where I recognize  the fact that
the aibershter created it all in his way ,with his wisdom, and his
mercy) just rolls by with me feeling “fine do it your way”. Then
ashrey (where I read “korov hashem l’chol koruv,b’chol asher yikru’uhu
bemes”) makes me feel “ im just not doing this all B’emes” though ,I
cant tell what emes is cause I’m too messed up(catch 22).Yishtabach
doesn’t faze me ,I’m in to much pain to praise (lets discuss this
after this is all done- I know your great and I will praise u
genuinely one day but lets leave it for a bit). I say shma with real
body drenching fear. I believe you exist 100% and that everything is
you- granted but has no effect on my conscious self .then I stand in
shmone esray and beg and plead 100 times over please have rachmonos on
a man that deserves nothing and grant me brains, health, money,
freedom, emotional strength for my kids, the ability to be heard by
you …its all to familiar, and I am done .

Then an interesting story comes to mind on the importance of tachnun.
“Don’t take off your teffilin.Its another minutes and who knows on its
effect”
Its Thursday lets say the lange tachnun…

Nechshavnu katzon…I was born like a sweet lamb . Very innocent, loved
life, and had it all made so that I can lead a beautiful life in the
green fields of this world. Great parents (though no one is perfect),
lovely siblings, and the best schools set to educate me.

Latevach yuval……at the age of 7 or 8 you allowed my life to screech
into a thunderas crash by allowing people that were trusted to care
and protect me to violate me. The human you created (the perfect
little lamb with a special neshomo and the most beautiful heart) would
be ripped to small shreds ,and would be  re-shaped into a bruised,
injured, and pained lamb that would  scream in  silence for years .

Laharog ul’abed……you entered me into a world of lies ,suffering from
the eyes of those who loved me. I would be beaten with every chance at
trust and I would be slaughtered at every ability to come clean
.Instead to a mind so freshly wounded it seemed that silence would be
best.

Lmaka ul’cherpa….leading me to addiction at an age to young to
recognize it. Lying became a forum of survival, addiction became the
mechanism to deal with pain, and the actions were to strong to lead to
salvation…then a marriage to a woman so special and dear...no chance
at allowing her innocence to live in my world of pain. My pain so deep
and engraved I didn’t even know it exists, its who I am it flows in my
blood and controls my heart. Destruction follows. Do you stop for a
second and take me to court aibershter? Do you think a jury wouldn’t
understand? do you think the evidence is overwhelming ?do you think
the tears that rolled down my cheeks through out my short life have
just rolled down the drain and your sweet hands didn’t catch them?
You are the only existence left that knows the truth , you were there
in all my dark hours, I sat in your lap as I was destroyed by the evil
I never chose, you saw my heart beg for help, you saw the rope for
help I couldn’t reach ,you saw how much I cared to make the wrong
right. you still let  it  all go.

U’bchol zois shimcha loi shuchnu ….i still love you, I still come and
sit on you lap and say “tate !I love you so deeply” I still feel your
presence and know that one day you will wipe my tears. You gave me
the most beautiful neshomos to care for as a treat. And at
least you gave me a few years with a woman so sweet and so kind.Thank
your for it all ,thank you for ,if nothing else, at least for being my
father.

All I am asking for is :

Nu al tishkocheynu.

Hi Recon,

Sounds like you're in quite a bit of pain.

Personally I know that some of the feelings that you expressed -especially about the davening and feeling that you must not share this problem with your innocent wife -are very familiar.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Elazar ben Durdayah

Recon,

Your post is beautiful and -- more important, maybe -- it's open and honest. That's what the forum does for me; it allows me to be open and honest with a bunch of Jews who have been where I've been, are where I am, and in many cases are where I want to be. You're in a good place -- KEEP COMING BACK!

You can get better, i also once felt like you, join us and see break free, read the stuff over and over you can do it!

Reconstruct:

Welcome, there is a place I call home

Thanks for your post. So beautifully written
You literally made me cry (I'm not just saying so, I actually deeply cried)

I dont know what to say or what to add
All I can say, hashem loves you, may you be zocha to finally overcome this

KEEP ON TRUCKING
and
KEEP ON POSTING

We need you to win this.... together we could do it

Welcome brother.

HY

My heart goes out for you.

Welcome to our community, youv'e come to the right place. Stay around, keep on reading all the info on this site, keep on posting and the good days will come soon.

Welcome brother!

Your story is deeply touching, frightening, and inspiring.  First, I am inspired by your continued relationship with Hashem.  It defies explanation how people can be so selfishly cruel to innocent children.  I once heard a shiur by R' Motti Berger entitled "Where was G-d in the Holocaust."  He basically said that once Hashem created man with free choice, he could choose to be very good, or very evil.  You've had your personal Holocaust and survived.

I was physically abused as a child by both my parents, but I would consider it mild compared to what others have experienced.  It wasn't sexual.  But I did fall into addictions as a way to ease my pain.  B"H with the help of this site, and with tremendous syata d'shmaya I am clean.  And with my sobriety came a much closer connection to Toras Hashem.

All the suffering wasn't for nothing.  I worked hard to become a good husband and father, and am B"H seeing the fruits of these efforts.  I have an extra sensitivity to others because of my childhood experiences.  I know others who were more severely abused and recovered, and have such a keen sensitivity to the feelings of others, it's an eerie sixth sense.  Special training.

It is worth breaking free.  Hashem will take your addiction if you ask him, if you turn it over to him.  You will be fine without the medicine.  You are an adult now.  A father.  A beloved Jew.  Fight the evil with good.  You are still a precious lamb, and have a special place reserved, where few can stand, near the Shchina after 120.

Thanks for sharing with us.
Bracha vhatzlacha
Alex

I read this this morning... All I can do is share it..

"Our greatest blessings were uttered not by Moses, not by David, not even by G-d Himself.

They were uttered by a wicked sorcerer, hired to curse.

The most brilliant diamonds hide in the deepest bowels of the earth;

the most intense blessings in the darkest caverns of life."


(Some lights are just so bright we actually see black spots after looking at them..

you're still connected to Hashem, which only proves the brilliant radiance of your neshoma is more bright than most of us will ever understand.)

Many blessings to you in everything.

(I also, just about word for word, agree with alexeliezer above: the pain, the struggle, the sensitivity, parenting, and best of all the wonderful blessings)
 

Talk with G-d

Guess who wrote these lyrics:

There are people who have let the problems of today
Lead them to conclude that for them life is not the way
But every problem has an answer and if yours you cannot find
You should talk it over to Him
He'll give you peace of mind
When you feel your life's too hard
Just go have a talk with God

Many of us feel we walk alone without a friend
Never communicating with the One who lives within
Forgetting all about the One who never ever lets you down
And you can talk to him anytime He's always around
When you feel your life's too hard
Just go have a talk with God

Well He's the only free psychiatrist that's known throughout the world
For solving problems of all men, women, little boys and girls
When you feel your life's too hard
Just go have a talk with God
When you feel your life's too hard
Just go have a talk with God
When your load's too much to bear
Just go talk to God He cares
I know he does

When you feel your life's too hard
Just go have a talk with God
thank you
thank you very much

 

No, it wasn't a Breslever - it was Stevie Wonder, way back in 1976. Hear for yourself:

Fantastic lyrics. Tune is a disappointment though...