Just joined the forum & was looking for some help. I am 40 years old married with 8 children Bli ayin horah. I have struggled with impure thoughts, shmiras anayim , z"l, etc..  since my early 20's .While I was told by the few people  who i confided to about my issues that it was perfectly normal to have these feelings, no one seemed to have the solution to curb these habits. Learning mussar helped a bit , however it was and is a continuous problem. I thought that Marriage would help resolve the issue somewhat , but it seems that the yetzer horah gets stronger & stronger & pushes me to stray; by looking at inappropriate books,magazines, (occasional movies) , looking & desiring other women etc.... the more I write the more repulsed I become at my Behavior . That will only last for a  for a bit & then I will revert to these bad habits & i wil
l feel bad again ....... Please help!! 

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

Welcome aboard. Here you can see how we all struggle, but, with Hoshems help, we are able to improve. Just stay around and don't leave. look and see how many people that were "much" worse then you found their recovery here. Kepp on posting.

hi and welcome,
please avail yourself of the pdf's linked in the welcome email above, they contain a wealth of information that can help you assess the severity of the bad habits or addiction and hopefully you can find a way to freedom.
there are many things that can help. telling other trusted people is a great thing, and you seem to have done so to some extent. there are phone conferences that are highly recommended and there are live meetings and more.
whatever you do, it will take effort and time to see success but you and your family are definitely worth it.
stay here, read up, and keep us in the loop.
wishing you success
zs

HI  if you look around this site,  You will find much help here, when you are ready, we're here.  We're all in the same boat.

Thanks everyone for your quick, & warm remarks. I will hopefully take a look at the tools etc.... I see lots of people are in the same boat to varying degrees, I did confide to people when I was in my early 20's before I got married. Haven't really gotten the courage since then to talk about it even though I'm married almost 19 years & it seems to be something one should maybe confide in his wife (which might help resolve some issues) I always felt very uncomfortable, ashamed & felt would have irreparable damage. Are most people who are struggling married or are there no statistics? @ this time I don't have such a problem with internet issues but mostly occasional movies, magazines, books, & extremely ashamed to say; looking @ other women ( mostly frum jewish) and having immoral thoughts. B''H the z''l is somewhat under control for now (although I'm sure it will come back with a vengeance).

Thanks for the encouragement
   

Oy li Miyotzri, Oy li MiYitzri

How can I give a warm welcome to "Yetzer"?

Isn't that the one we're all fighting with?

Ah, maybe you're the other Yetzer -the good one!

In that case welcome!

Your story is very familiar to those on this site, and similar to that of our own.

Seeing that you have already received the standard welcoming package, I just wanted to add that telling one's wife is not always advisable -and may even be unfair. This is a concept that you will see throughout the threads on this forum. Therefore, one should never assume that it is a good idea to do so unless he has consulted an expert in these areas and been advised to do so, as well as how and when to do so.

Hatzlacha Rabbah,

E. ben Durdayah

Thanks Bendurdayh. I understand that telling ones' wife could create many many problems, the one thought I had was that if a wife knows her husband struggles with this ( maybe all wives know to a certain extent their husbands have a much bigger yetzer harah than themselves) she maybe would do more things that he might find missing in her( dress more to his liking, etc....)  to try and make sure the husband is only interested in her ( I think she says that in  a tefilah before she goes to the mikvah),unless he has a an addiction, which in that case all strategies would probably fail.

welcome yetzer!
your situation sounds very similar to mine, Im 43 and married for 20+ years
the most helpful things for me were posting and the 90 day chart
the more you reveal about the problem the more you get in touch with what is causing it and then how to deal with it when the urge comes. Trust me the urge doesnt go away! But as others here have helped me see, GYE helps put you back in the driver's seat. Now, I feel that I actually can say no to my YH, which wasnt the case for many years. TOO MANY YEARS! Sharing with the wife depends on how understanding she is, I personally felt it wasnt a smart move in my case. But I dont think that using your wife as a way to distract you from others really works. It just seems to reinforce the YH's need for stimulation which just gets more intense and then backfires. Yes there is a place for a wife dressing up for her husband, all Im saying is be careful how you use it, it could be dangerous.
post away my friend! we are all ears (eyes)! :

Welcome fellow struggler! Come join with us and fight the battle, we can only do it together! there is always a way out and many of us here can help you. keep on posting!

Welcome Yetzer
It's either Yetzer Tov, or Yetzer Horah, which is "tov m'od."  So either way you're good in my book!

I'm in my 40's married 20+ years with a bunch of kids.  My addiction continued to grow until it really intensified about 2 years ago, which is when I discovered this website and that I was a lust addict and not just a lusty pervert doomed to gehenim.  I spent much time looking at women in all settings, live, in pics, on the net.  My mind was filled, and later plagued by fantasies and inappropriate, intrusive thoughts day and night, during work, davening, learning, driving.

I am attracted to my wife and we have a great relationship in all areas.  I have been sober since I set out here over 2 years ago, but have chosen not to tell her.  You will find 2 schools of thought on this site.  Those who have told their wives think you should, those who haven't think probably you shouldn't.  My opinion is if you can do it without her, you can then choose to share it with her on your terms.  If on the other hand you use the tools here and continue to struggle, she can be the answer.  It depends on you, her, and your situation.

I say this a lot, and it sounds particularly applicable to your situation:  start with shmiras eynayim at all times and in all settings.  I don't even check my own wife out unless it's for a purpose.  I do look at her face.  But I don't look at her when, you know, she's taking stuff out of the oven, etc.  A trick I learned here is to pinch my inner thigh hard whenever I catch myself looking at a woman.

When fantasies and intrusive thoughts come, that's when I ask Hashem for help.  Turning Lust over to Hashem is one of the more elusive concepts for beginners, but critical.

And take it one day at a time.

Share your progress with us.

Hatzlacha,
Alex

Thanks Alex for your  support, although I think that not checking out your wife is a bit extreme (unless this is to wat lengths one must go to survive the onslaught of other issues) . It is hard enough not to look, think, fantasize etc.. all the time, about other women , especially when you walk around in places like lakewood & half the ladies  are dressed in a way that almost magnetizes you to look at them & now Bemutor loch also one shouldn't look, I am not sure about that. Deep down I always have this nagging feeling that the possible source to the problems is perhaps that I don't get enough of what I need from my wife thus the onslaught of problems. While ultimately it is my responsibility to deal / & be responsible for my actions, is some of it possibly caused because of so much passiveness on her part in our intimate relations? Or is this once again the wonderful yetzer horah trying to convince me of this, & hoping I will continue my spiraling out of control fantasizing, bad thoughts etc.. because I "" have an "excuse"

yetzer wrote on 11 Jul 2011 04:03:


See my post http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4093.0 i couldn't agree with you more about this.
yetzer wrote on 11 Jul 2011 04:03:


It is most probably the YH, think about it if you are caught up in porn etc and busy seeing those plastic fake women making believe that they are having the most pleasure, how can you possibly enjoy your wife she is real! not just a fantasy who act out a fantasy world that doesn't really exsist! your wife is real and real has ups and down its not supposed to always be with sparks flying, thats fake, and thinking she will do it will make you unhappy. I used to think like you i was unhappy with my wife but then i guarded my eyes just for one month and i already saw results, and i mean good results  :o . Try it and then come back and you'll see, what was making you unhappy is the porn not your wife, just love her not for sex but to love and she will love you back.

sometimes i feel like a total alien on this website.  The idea of M* and internet P* are totally vile for me.  And yet, the idea of going to a massage parlor seems totally normal.  SOMETHING IS ROTTEN HERE.

anyhow Yezer, I'm sure in your community you would seem like a total alien too.  someone who davens, learns mussar, and yet, can't control his urges to go to improper places on the net.  I started reading R. Shais Taub's book, Gcd of our Understanding, and he says that all this is our failed solution.  Which I've heard many times, but hearing it from him was different.  It's so true... what problem is p* solving?  Boredom?  Arousal?  Thrill-seeking?  anxiety? 

Yetzer,
I agree not checking out my own wife is extreme.  But I'm extremely sick.  I will say, though, that I did this recovery thing in stages (and am still a work in progress).  Earlier in my recovery, I shared your attitude that bemutor loch anything goes.  My wife was my safe haven of mutor lust.  I still fantasized about her during the day and checked her out (when she was permitted).  Only further into recovery was I ready to admit that this too was taking a drink.  (See also Garden of Peace, a Marital Guide for Men by R' Shalom Arush regarding this topic where he explains that the more a man lusts after his wife, the less interested in him she will be.  I have noticed improvement in her interest level with my progressive sobriety.)

I heard in a shiur from Rav Naftali Elzas, that once the yetzer horah realizes he's been somewhat beaten, and you have made a commitment to do teshuva [overcome your addiction], he's not going to give up.  Rather, he's going to come along and tell you how to do it; give you some "helpful" advice.  Sometimes it's tricky to identify where the advice is coming from.

I will tell you that for years in addiction I felt my wife was undersexed.  I was so charged up by the end of any given day of lusting that if she wasn't game, she was undersexed.  Now that I have a couple of years of sobriety under my belt, I am getting to the point where sex isn't as all-important as it once was.  This is a HUGE step and not one that comes quickly or easily.  It's even a little sad because it was so much a part of me, a part I swore I would never ease up on.

Now regarding the passive thing, I can relate there too.  I wish my wife would initiate more and sometimes be more active.  Women are often tired, and we typically leave marital relations to the very end of the long day.  I find if we can sneak off to the bedroom earlier in the evening, she's much more active.

My apologies, some of this post probably belongs in the married section of the forum.

Shteig on!
Alex