Hello All,

I must say, as unfortunate as it is to see so many people struggling with this issue, it is also a relief to me to see so many fellow strugglers.  I hope we can strengthen each other through this.  I am a single guy in my mid-20s, not married.  Growing up in a Modern Orthodox community, I had plenty of access to the internet and TV and, as a high schooler, often masturbated.  Among my friends, this was somewhat the norm.  After high school, I went to a yeshiva in Israel for a year and learned for the first time about the gravity of the deed I had done.  I was very remorseful and committed myself to controlling my sexual desire so that I wouldn't come to stumble again.  I was successful that year and the following several years in doing so and had not visited a pornographic website since the end of high school until a few months ago, when my desires started to become overwhelming again.  Since that time, I have visited porn sites almost weekly, with a few exceptions, and have masturbated each time.  After I finish, I feel tremendously guilty and promise myself it won't happen again.  Unfortunately, sheer willpower does not seem to be the answer.

I find that I often masturbate as an escape, when I am stressed and have a task due that I am pushing off.  Also, it is far more likely to happen when I am home and idle, during unstructured time.  I know one solution would be to get married, and trust me, I do go out on dates and am looking.  But until then, I need to find a way to curb my desires so they don't get me in trouble.  I am currently in therapy to address other issues, and have discussed this with my therapist, but one of the difficulties is that I am not sure she gets how severe of a problem masturbation is in Jewish law.  In psychodynamic theory, the sex drive is a normal drive that is one of the most powerful ones we have, so I get the sense that as a single guy in my mid-20s, she thinks it is normal and acceptable discharge of sexual tension for me to go to porn sites and jack off.  I guess what I'm looking for here is chizuk in my struggle and confirmation of the perils of pornography, since the secular world I am a part of seems to largely accept and condone it.

Thank you,

Keepingthefaith 

there is a model of therapy by Dr. Fish, which he has branded as the Nachas Ruach approach, which involves more Yidishkite in addressing your type of issues.  I too have problems relating to my therapist and vice-versa, since he is not observant and does not understand and often finds some concepts very alien.  On the other hand, finding an observant therapist would also pose issues for me, since then he would be within the midst, and I have to ensure he keeps secrecy (most therapists do...)  M* doesn't get cure by our wives.  I was married for many years and when things didn't go my way, relied on myself to satisfy myself. 
Have you tried Tikun Haklali? 
Anyhow you are in the right place for healing.

Welcome to this wonderful site.

Keepingthefaith wrote on 02 Jun 2011 15:48:


Trust me, marriage is not the solution, as you will hear alot on this website.

tomid besimcha wrote on 02 Jun 2011 16:54:


Marriage is not the solution, but staying single isn't either.  When a man has his desires in check and has eyes only for his wife, being married can be very helpful.  To get there, you want to be clean for some time before dating and marriage.  Being clean is something you've done before, so I am confident that you can do it again.  Don't postpone it, though, because it will only get more difficult the longer you wait.

Do you have an effective filter on the Internet you use?  That's a very important first step.  If you also use software that reports your Internet usage to a third party (such as eBlaster or Web Chaver), that's even better.  I have both, and I'd be toast without them.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

KT,
Welcome to your new, in-the-know community.
Yes, much of the secular world is blind to this addiction and thinks it is normal.  When I first discovered this website, and learned I was an addict, and not just someone with a superduper libido, I found the tools I needed here at GYE, but I also found the SA website very revealing.  It was of great interest that (some) goyim too are addressing this issue.  Because it is an addiction like any other addiction (and unlike any other addiction).  Any pleasurable activity can become an addiction.

You are right on.  They are dead wrong.  It's an addiction. But they miss it because they can't readily see the harm.  We who are graced with Torah knowledge, know the harm.  Ashreinu, ma tov chelkeinu!

Thanks for posting.
Shteig on!
Alex